this is the bottomline

i take it back. damn it. this is another one of those slip-ups i shouldn't let myself fall into. i said i would be an adult about all of this, but i guess i'm just a difficult person sometimes.

three humble servings of vodka mudshake might have done me in, but i was totally in control of my thoughts. why did i say those things? why should i even care if they're together outside of work? why d i keep fearing the possibility of them getting back together? because i'm the outsider looking in, the one they wouldn't let in. and when they're together it keeps coming back to haunt me.

all this drama i keep dragging myself into, this mess i inhabit alone is best summed up as: it worked for the two of you once, why couldn't it work with me?

i said it doesn't matter when you're carrying a lot of baggage -- documents, sports apparel and homework -- when you want to be with someone. unfortunately on friday night, my stuff couldn't even be as half as heavy as the emotional baggage i was (and am) towing around. and it's not healthy.

as the counting crows crooned on that hidden track in 'recovering the satellites', "someday i will walk away. but not today."

one day when i can finally say, "i don't love you anymore. goodbye." i will be someone else's prize catch, and all this will be nothing more than a footnote to my continuing narrative. i just wish it wouldn't smart as often as it does.