goodbye to love

and the words just came out like that, over phone with nina. i think it's official. i've given up. i've done everything. i've been out there, i've been in here, i've been to me; and nothing.

some fights aren't worth pursuing. every game has to end at some point. love is a battle, but losing it doesn't have to mean i've lost a bigger war -- the war to reclaim life and enjoy it, with or without someone else.

so yes, i accept defeat. it's not him nor him nor him nor him nor him nor him, ad infinitum. not now. not here.

it used to be that i acceeded to losses from specific cases, but now, i'm doing it as a whole. there's no use for this second-hand emotion, this old-fashioned notion of a "somebody for someone", as the corrs sang it.

well, the boy just left, he's grown tired of watching sugar sell for money to the dead at night. i don't see any angel, and i certainly don't understand how easy it could be to say "look, see, save, find and free me" when the truth is, sugar is overrated.

the walls are back up. if there's to be anyone to break them down again, then he's got his work cut out for him. that's the love i want. the one i deserve.