my lips have betrayed the promise i made

maybe because i'm ready to admit it now. 1998 was a dream away and i want it to stay that way, i once said. a fuzzy, vague dream one doesn't fully remember upon waking up. but the truth is, i remember. it was in the form of a letter. and i ended it with the word 'always'. but always isn't forever. no regrets, however. but no going back.

it's just that i was so pissed after he came out a few weeks later and how it made me feel that made me put up the wall between me and that episode. i thought, hey, maybe something really is wrong with me. i was what, 20 at the time, and i haven't made a full disclosure to everyone, not even my friends?

but what a difference distance and six years in between make.

i'm beyond that now. i know my worth. i know who i want. i'm at the 'how' stage now.

and no jessie, it won't do to look at me and him as two similar people, because as i told you he and i are fundamentally different, and there is no going back to that place for me. i've hemmed and hawed before over guys. but this one i know for sure. there is no match to be made here. just a friendship that needs more substance.

which is a bit sad, i know. as i've said he has everyhing i would ever want in anyone i'd ever dare to care for. but what i want may not be what i need.

i know who i want. i just hope he wants me back. because now i know i shouldn't keep my head down when i'm walking. edited because i had to remind myself that i've said goodbye to love already. :)