right here, right now

some people take comfort in saying 'he wasn't the right one for me' when faced with an affair that alas, will never be. but what exactly do we mean when we say someone is the right one? and why do we always hinge the "right-ness" of a lover on the basis of whether he stays with us or not?

i was browsing through the good old forums of peyups last night when i came across this thread basically dwelling on the subject. "are you falling for the wrong person, or are you the wrong person?"

in my reply i said maybe there is no such thing as the wrong person. i meant to say we can all be someone for somebody else. but it all depends on how we make do with what there is between any two people at any given time.

today i watched this movie and got a boost for this argument. never mind that the boys were really bishonen to the max. (wipe off drool here). the story unfolds in such a way that i doubt if anyone was happy in the end.

any of the characters could have been the one for whoever was in their life at any given time during the six years or so that this story takes place. but i think each character screwed up somewhere, somehow.

i am reminded of old screw ups, and all those times i was at the other end of someone else's screw up. and i realize that maybe it really is all about those tiny little steps we take between disclosure and drawing up the walls. it's all about those insignificant moments we rarely remember but make the most impact on our relationships.

it's all about saying hi or looking away. it's about seizing that moment, or watching it slip by. it's about opening up to the possibility or coming up with a whole list of reasons not to. one wrong move and that's it. you're out.

if a guy likes you he will find a way to stay, and if he doesn't nothing will make him do so. that's the reason people choose to keep their distance from what we have to offer. and not even flowers can make up for that. just like anything that's sad in this world, this fact is sad because it's true.

so until i am convinced otherwise, i'd have to keep believing that there are no wrong people for each and everyone of us. there are only reasons, and reasons make the difference between bliss and blisters.

moving out

i grabbed a copy of the civil code and a book on ejectment and rent control last night (and a cheap pinoy cookbook, to boot) at national. i wanted to know just exactly what the law says about my rights as a tenant.

there are valid grounds for contesting my october 15 deadline, and i figured i should look up the tax code and sic the BIR on my landlady.

but i got to think. why would i want to use the law to my own benefit? to my own vindictive ends, at that? i was hurt because the landlady is seeking refuge in the contract, an instrument which as i understand it is rendered scrap by the law if it runs counter to what the law says. she wants me to move out soon, so she can maximize her profits at my expense.

anyway i figured i wasn't going to be THAT kind of a lawyer. (naks!)

so this morning we talked, and we agreed on two items: we are moving out by october 15, and visitorial rights at a reasonable time.

i was agreeable and rather diplomatic. an absolute contrast to the fire and bombast of my voice over the phone the other day. sigh. i really am calm and sedate most of the time, but when i do flare up, it's soooo destructive. maybe i should be on meds for this. anger management? grrr.

this rose awaits its bloom

friendster profile:

interests: blogging, coffee, mountain-climbing, trekking, travels, higher education, knitting, dumbing down online, foreign languages, vegetarianism, high-risk sports (bungee jumping, skydiving, paragliding)

except for the first two, these interests are all in my head. and thus i promise. if 28 will mean anything, is that it will be a year in which i will do some of the things i've always wanted to do.

as it says in that ad: when was the last time you did something for the first time? (uhm, actually a few weeks ago. but never mind. *guffaw*)

i just want to prove something, and that is: there is more to life than just caffeine and nicotine. there's an entire range of experiences and adventures out there waiting. and no one has any excuse whatsoever to pass up an opportunity to live life, sulking and whining instead, when life awaits.

rose didn't waste her life. her heart sank to the bottom of the ocean with jack (okay, okay, kill me later for the allusion). but she didn't waste her life. she flew planes. she went to africa. she had the time of her life. when love eludes you, or when it seems too flighty to stay with you for long, or when it is within the context of unbeatable circumstances, why hold it down? take the high road and soar yourself.

life awaits, my friends. i'm going to spend the next twelve months trying to live mine.

... can any human being ever reach the highest light?

but it's pretty much common sense, isn't it? when people turn the corner towards their 30s, aren't they supposed to know better?

Saturn's going back to the sign it was in when i was born. Leo.

Saturn in Leo - "Critical examination of the self and one's ulterior motives is required in order to develop a fully-integrated personality. With this position of Saturn focus is directed inward to personal issues in general and to the discovery of the central real self in particular."

in in-depth psychology this is called individuation, a topic which i guess i might have felt around for quite some time as i held that i was (and am) "looking for myself out there". so i'm crawling around the web looking for reading materials on the subject. it's pretty interesting.

with saturn going back to leo this year up to next, it says: "People born during these times (when saturn was in leo at timeof birth - jvc) will experience a major shift in their priorities in the next year, and will learn what chains they must throw off because of ego-evolution necessities. For some, new beginnings, while for others, major culminations in old rules, systems, responsibilities, or duties. If you were born during one of these times (when saturn was in leo), you will find yourself changing, becoming more mature, more understanding, more patient about some things, understanding boundaries in easier ways while being unable to bear living with older, obsolete rules and expectations."

as it says in the IG song i quote in the title:

"I offer thanks to those before me, that's all I've got to say / 'cause maybe you squandered big bucks in your lifetime / now I have to pay. / But then again it feels like some sort of inspiration / to let the next life off the hook. / But he'll say, 'Look what I had to overcome from my last life, / I think I'll write a book.'"

gad, why am i so new age-y today?

but it's pretty much common sense, isn't it? when people turn the corner towards their 30s, aren't they supposed to know better?

but i guess maturity begins with acknowledging that the stars do not tell all. they just give us signs. indicators. what we actually do with our lives is largely a matter of the choices we make.

going with it

this song is just playing over and over on my player right now. so in lieu of an elaborate exposition on what i think or feel at this particular moment, why don't i just sing it all out? wuhoo.


Let it flow
Toni Braxton

First thing monday morning I’m gonna pack my tears away
Got no cause to look back I’m lookin’ for me a better day
You see the thing ’bout love is that it’s not enough
If the only thing it brings you is pain
There comes a time when we could all make a change

Just let go and let it flow, let it flow, let it flow
Everything’s gonna work out right, y’know
Let go, and let it flow, let it flow, let it flow
Just let it go

Don’t nobody want no broke heart and don’t nobody want no two time losers
Ain’t nobody gonna love you like you are
If you take whatever he brings your way
You see the thing of it is we deserve respect
But we can’t demand respect without change
There comes a time when we must go our own way

Just let go and let it flow, let it flow, let it flow
Everything’s gonna work out right, y’know
Let go, and let it flow, let it flow, let it flow
Just let it go

Sometimes love it can work out right
Sometimes you’ll never know
But if it brings only pain in your life
Don’t be afraid to let it go


i'm actually very excited by the promise that underlines this song. i guess i should choose my battles well. and the thing is, i think this song would apply very well to some friends i know. ehem. you know who you are. so if you want the mp3, just tell me. let's sing it together, all ya babes. haha! (babes?!?)

truth and consequence

the cost of a risk:



and yet, i find myself smiling. it's all good. and i may have regrets, but it's got nothing to do at all with the receipt, nor what is stated in it. it's just that it's the only thing i have to remind myself that i am capable of sticking my head out once in a while. that once upon a time, i did not deprive myself of the opportunity. the "loss" won't last. neither will this beating somewhere inside of me. after all, how long do cut flowers stay in bloom?

cam whore

my fucking head still hurts after falling off my chair taking this pic.

falling off chair001
Originally uploaded by vince cruz.

my fucking head still hurts after falling off my chair taking this pic.


just kidding!!!!!

another lazy day with nothing to do. or at least nothing i can't get myself to do yet. damned indecision.

i really hope you liked the flowers

Feeling like I've still got something to say.
But I don't know what it is,
And I don't know how to reach you even if I did.
Am I big enough to hear that you never even think about me?
And I thought that I'd outgrow this kind of thing.
Tell me, aren't we supposed to mature or something?
The mind may grow wise, but the heart just sulks
and it whines and remains a child.
Why don't you love me?

- the heart remains a child,
everything but the girl

The BOBs

i was forwarded this email about a weblog award based in germany. and naturally i suggested PCIJ for both the Special Reporters Without Borders Award and the Best Journalistic Blog Award in English

in my pitch i said:

for a country which has been described as one of the worst places in the world to be a journalist, the PCIJ actually digs through the data often overlooked by mainstream media to bring incisive, intelligent and very thought-provoking reports on affairs of government and other interest groups that impact on the everyday lives of citizens. this blog brings that brand of reportage on a daily basis, making this site a must-read for anyone who wants to be updated on the political and economic situation in the Philippines.

after all, is there anyone else who does this kind of work in the country today?

we actually have a resolution on the spate of media killings filed with the House. when i wrote it, i specificlaly stated that we wanted it jointly referred to the human rights committee (headed by the boss, hehe) and gilbert's public information committee. but oddly the HR committee was dropped by the rules committee which traffics all measures. and with the garci hearings, the reso was put in the backburner. i hope this institution gets to work on it soon.

milestones

ripping off from jason's blog yet again. hehe.

20 years ago
finally got promoted to the star section in my grade school. i think i had a crush on my seatmate. her name was mildred. we'd be classmates all throughout grade school until she moved to sta. isabel in high school.

15 years ago
entered high school. i had no idea how to enroll, and when mom and i went to the school that would eventually become my alma mater, we found out that the registration period had already passed. a kind lady who turned out to be the department head for physical education took notice of my card and when she saw my average, recommended me to the principal for admission. i got in.

10 years ago
i joined UJP. got to be real close with some friends from CMC who would be my pals until i get out. also got recruited into the jms school of thought through my membership in CNS, and after an exposure trip to central luzon, an invitation was extended to formally join. i accepted on november 30, bonifacio day. very symbolic. the lesson: right ideals, wrong group for me.

5 years ago
finally got my first "real job" at MODE, Inc. it was also the time i started dropping by at the Collegian office again. i started gaining weight. started going out on dates, even though i hadn't come out yet.

3 years ago
retrenchment drama at the workplace led me to grab an opening in an NGO where i would be friends with eileen. in june we would quit together and cause a bit of tumult after we circulated our resignation letter to the network members. years later, money would disappear from the org and i'm still laughing my ass off for knowing that our ex-boss has finally been unmasked for the opportunist she is.

met maitet. met ronald. met etta. and now here i am. ta-da! no regrets. a series of fortunate friendships.

last year
found out the 25th hour was an illusion. rocketman mess. harassed by the election campaign. met new friends like tune, marnie, che, etc.

this year
spent a good part of the year sticking to what i wrote last year before my birthday. i discovered the "risk-taker" in me.

yesterday
had coffee at seattle's best with jae. girl talk. hush-hush. lips sealed.

last night
reached an agreement with mom. we're moving out.

today
i am supposed to be wrapping up my paper for nina's office. my ass is grass and the lawnmower man's out to cut them off. will also e-mail my brother in libya. then i will rush to galleria later with the rocketman crowd to watch this gay flick or something. promised to wear a bowtie. and only a bowtie.

tomorrow
i am to work out a budget for the rest of the month. i will apply for a gsis e-card. i will drop by UP and apply for a transcript of records.

next year
i hope i will not be blogging every day because i will be neck-deep in readings.

5-10 years from now
if i don't get to be a law student then i will be travelling. or maybe they are not mutually exclusive?

takeshi's castle

droolfest.


dirty images in my head:


someone needs to check his hormone levels.

so i went to the doctor and guess what he told me (guess what he told me)....

NO COMMENT!

forgive, forget, for whom?

it's the most overused plot twist conjured to inject some much-needed drama in most relationships.  because it brings to fore the fundamentals of any relationship that hopes to survive the test of time.  loyalty, trust, honesty, fidelity -- all these things come to play with equal and at times conflicting intensity when the 3rd party twist enters the scene. 

 

i really don't get it when people try to put themselves in a picture knowing fully well the object of their affection is with someone else.  i don't have much regard for those who spend too much of their time and energy investing in the business of stealing someone else's boyfriend. what goes around comes around, get it?  

 

as for the guy, how could he carry on like nothing is going on in the side?  is it second-nature for guys?  i have seen glimpses of this attitude even among some gay guys i know, so i can't help but wonder whether it's biological or what.  but even so, why get into a relationship if you will just keep looking around anyway?  i really don't get it.  some people spend their days love-waiting, and yet some spend theirs love-wasting.

 

as for the girl, where does she draw the line?  did he sleep with her? did he see himself leaving her for the 3rd party? did he feel like the connection had been lost and it was worth it? was it just inertia keeping him on the relationship? did she push him away? if the answer to any or all of these questions is yes, then is that it? or does one forgive but never forget? or does one get even?

 

i remember a time when eileen asked me if i would ever go into a relationship with a married guy.  i said that from MY context, if a married guy were to come to me for affection then that must mean his marriage has been founded on a lie. it would mean that no matter how he tries to salvage it, then it would be no use, because apparently he wants to be with another guy.

 

but with straight people, how does it work?  there are so many cheating bastards out there that sometimes i get to thinking maybe we should pass legislation making it legal to impose cutting off cheating boyfriends/husbands' balls as a legitimate penalty. (i think some time ago in the past some idiot did actually file a bill along that line).

 

so to you who asked for this, this is what i have to say.  given your circumstance, given everything that i know so far, i will tell you to give it some time.  i would shut my door if i were in your shoes.  there would be blood all over the streets.  but i realize that's too harsh, and if love teaches us anything is that it's never "a hand that holds you down".  eventhough leopards don't change their spots. 

 

so ask yourself, not today, but maybe after some time:  can you see yourself with him down the line and still say you love him? if yes, then i must say -- that's one hell of a connection you have there.  maybe that's what makes it worth fighting for.  forgive, yes, forget, never. for whom? for yourself, your sense of integrity and decency and for your own good.

 

 

 

i may be mad, i may be blind, i may be viciously unkind

"Your past is singing a bluesy song, trying to lure you backward when you've likely learned what you needed to there. Be a toughie; acknowledge the pull, then push it away and get your head (and heart) in the present."

where the fuck was i the past few days? and i don't mean that literally.

**************

ripped this off jason's blog. i think i got heath ledger's forehead, josh groban's hair and chris klein's pain, eversince our exes hooked up. dang!

welcome, again

drop the pleasant skin. it's time to get bitchy.

i just want to say that this blog is out here for anyone to see, and i don't give a fig who sees it or what conclusions they form after visiting or browsing or peeking in it. i was aware of what i was getting into when i started posting all my shit online.

it's my prerogative to impose my parochialisms on the crowded landscape of the internet and if what is to be found here doesn't please a person then he or she can just go wherever his ass takes him or her.

my fucking url is there, and if i didn't want anyone to see it, then i shouldn't be linking like a fucking famewhore to sites like top blogs or what other fucking lists are out there. i would also tell my friends to shut their links to my site. i know about three or four people who did that, and since i respect their privacy, their links are not to be found on my list in the sidebar.

when you're posting online it's rudimentary to know that it's the world-fucking-wide web you're dealing with. your space only extends as far as your stupidity allows it to. link somewhere and oooops, a complete stranger is there reading through your shit, whether you like it or not.

if you're going to be a famewhore but can't deal with the pressure or cannot deal with the idea of anonymous people seeing what your miserable little life is all about then maybe you shouldn't be linking like an idiot everywhere. or maybe you can do the rest of us a favor and stop blogging as a whole.

aja! aja! fighting!

heartbroken? no need to fear, cess to the rescue.

tekka don before:


tekka don after:


chicken something something noodles before:


chicken something something noodles after:


thank you for lifting me up last night, cess. i don't say it often enough, but i just have to reiterate: it's good to know i still have friends who will have me for who i am. no questions asked.

leaving las vegas

"no joker, no jack, no king, can take this loser hand and make it win."

 

this feeling entails risks.  you have to place a bet if you want to win. but if you lose more often than not, is it time to fold?

 

there aren't enough cards in a deck to figure out the probable outcome of things, when all you have is your gut kicking you forward.

 

maybe someday you'll understand the rules. 

 

maybe you have to get rid of that nagging feeling that the game has been rigged, in someone else's favor.

 

maybe someday you'll stay, even if it means you have to leave to find that place.

 

maybe you have to go somewhere you can be by yourself, just to see whether you can truly "be alone and like the company you keep". 

 

sticking your head out a few times does not a failure make. you like him, and it's none of his business.  you take a chance, and maybe, for now that's enough.  there's so much more of the world to see out there. and you're the prizest catch i know.

 

maybe, just maybe, you really are supposed to spend the rest of your life finding that one special person, to taste that one special kiss, to experience that one special moment. 

 

maybe you have to start believing that somewhere, somehow, it will come.  when it's the right person, the right moment.

 

the thing is, you never know until you're there.  so start today. 

 

 

use Gloria in a sentence

i'll probably get killed for this, but i am sure this shameless plug will work for gary granada in the long term.

it's a new protest song which will be launched tomorrow at conspiracy cafe at visayas ave. and according to a press release a certain curly-haired doofus wrote:

AKBAYAN launches soundtrack to GMA ouster
September 9, 2005

AKBAYAN together with indie scene icons Gary Granada and Noel Cabangon and other like-minded artist groups launched what they called the soundtrack to GMA's exit from Malacanang.

At a press conference held at Conspiracy Restaurant today, the single "Values Education" was launched, to be included in an album of the same title (?). The song tackles the historical roots of elite politics and the systemic changes that need to be overhauled to avoid similar crises like that hounding the current regime.

AKBAYAN Rep. Risa Hontiveros said that the single was a creative way of expressing the sentiments of people who want GMA out of office. "It is art that serves the purpose of expressing the underlying rage that people feel towards the grave injustice committed in killing the impeachment complaint," she said.

The single "Values Education" highlights the problems government has swept under the rug, according to Hontiveros, "because at this point GMA is concerned with nothing but political survival."

The song goes "wag kang mandadaya/ wag kang magsinungaling, ang mga panata at pangako'y tuparin/ wag kang manggugulang, wag kang magsamantala/ wag kang manlamang ng iyong kapwa/ wag kang mang-go-Gloria."

Hontiveros said the song, while light-hearted, packs a wallop. "It goes straight to the core of GMA's ineptitude as a leader, and the servitude of Philippine interests to elite monopoly," she explained, "and this song will play as the people's clamor for GMA's ouster or resignation reaches its height in the weeks to follow."

enuff said. :D

garden (musings into mush universe)

If this heart were a garden this would be its foliage -- thick and alive, with a silence so palpably imposing, as if to say: "dare, if you will, to explore." It would be fierce, haunting but remote. It will take more than an average spirit to walk into it and tame the complex vegetation that grows within.

So then walk with me this way. Let us take a turn among the shrubbery and get lost in the wild roses blushing against the kiss of daylight fading. Feast your eyes on the greens of his life, that spring forth from the soil from which he takes root, the rich thud of its solid presence invites a glance. The heart is a labyrinth of earth beneath his feet. Would you dare to walk this path if you knew the soil was soft and thin? Care to get your feet all dirty?

Do you tread the stone-laden path with respect? Can you look at the flowers and make sense of them all without getting lost? Can you be by yourself without feeling alone? Can you navigate your way around this secret garden and make him speak like rain?

Will you pause to marvel at the flowers as their petals part in a hundred ways as if to say that is how you say goodbye, with grace and the insistence of longing to touch, just once again, the bud of this aging rose. Isn't this how we define our lives -- with a touch too fleeting and a departure to soon? Beware, this rose. It is called fear. Are your hands gentle enough to pluck this rose with your words?

(feb 27, 2005)

kwarto

putting this back up. :D

the view everytime i take a yosi break after lunch. :)


in the corridor. actually this is our supposed cafe 511, but with all the work we haven't gotten around to fixing it up.


511 is our nickname for the place. and sometimes, for the people who work here as well.


the name on the door says... no, i swear the last name does not read 'mendez'


what you see upon entering... yeah. absentee employees, har har.


attendance check! bwahahaha! notice the stack of newspapers.


reminder to self:


yep. we do a lot of meetings... zzzz


this is where the boss sits. nooo-neee-nooo.


a metaphor for my life?


i've tried personalizing my own corner of the office. notice the artwork on the steel cabinet, and the toys. hehe. and those cables hanging over my stuff. i swear. fire hazzard.


overview of my desk.


what's right above my head while i work... scary!



what can i say. aesthetics have taken a back seat to the urgency of everyday battles. you should have seen how this office looked a year ago. i consider this an improvement, in all honesty. hehehe. what can i say. we're busy people. except for this particular doofus who's taking pictures all day and posting them on his blog.