Gulugod Baboy (May 13-14)

Song of the Moment: ---
To Do (tasks, not people): must get out
Current State: enlightened
~~~~~~~~~~



well, after a month of planning and haggling and a preclimb at shang and meeting new faces -- gulugod baboy it was to be, but not.


blame it on Caloy


so we ended up "climbing" -- a cottage, that is.


and hanging out...


playing poker. next time, guys! hehehe!

all my friends are going to be strangers (apologies to mcmurtry)

Song of the Moment: Bad Day, Daniel Powter
To Do (tasks, not people): stop spending
Current State: exhausted, in more ways than one
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what i have learned from recent weeks is that it doesn't pay to try to please everyone all the time. when things fall apart, what you end up with is a leaner set of friends. it's taking some time to get used to, but i'm glad that the tough ones have chosen to stick around.

i'd say 2002 was the last year that my friends' list really jumped the charts, with peyups accounting for most of the new people i let into my life. today that list has dwindled down to about a dozen or so good friends and a handful of really intimate contacts, with cess above everyone else. i'm just saying this because from now on i want to be more guarded and choosy when it comes to making friends. it sounds so unhealthy to frame it like this, given i can be a very sociable person given the right mood.

but it is traumatic to let someone into your head and into your thoughts and your feelings and in the end feel like this knowledge was used against you. and to top it all off, when the culprit is not even apologetic for what she has done, it is doubly hard to deal with. i'm still smarting from that anawangin episode. to have a person lie to your face for a long time and find that you've been led on? to feel like you've been used as a defense mechanism to protect her own interests? nobody should ever have to deal with that kind of a friend.

that's my side of the story and yet i feel like there's no one who even wants to hear it. the people in the know are either mum, or have consciously taken me out of his email list. i'm the injured party and yet i feel like i'm alone on my side.

eileen and cess and iona will naturally lend me a sympathetic ear; it's not their circle. i want a POV that was right there when it all happened, and i'm not getting it and it pisses me off big time to feel like the friends who knew what happened are letting it pass by just like that. within ourselves i feel like someone has to do a lot of explaining and i'm the one who is now outside looking in and i don't like it. the outside is usually for those who have done wrong, and i have done no such thing.

in general, it is not an exaggeration to say that i find my friends list unbelievably shorter this year than last. it feels like i lost people left and right in a span of months for a variety of reasons: incompatible personalities, finances, and betrayal. that's a heavy load. people are used to severing ties with one or two friends at a time -- not almost their entire list of buddies.

turning the thing around on me, i find that it is my desire to keep the peace at all cost that is probably at the bottom of all this. instead of speaking my mind, i choose to keep quiet. the result is that i have allowed all the resentment and the anger build up within that when i could no longer contain it the only solution available was to severe my ties with these people.

i'm not afraid of burning bridges but it is not a habit i keep, claims to the contrary notwithstanding. but there is something about loose ends that bug me big time, and it is retribution i seek.

the task i now set for myself is how to find peace without resorting to the formula of reproach and forgiveness. the anger i felt towards these so-called friends may have subsided, but there is simply no looking back. the letdown is just beyond repair. and maybe it's just time to cue d'sound's 'people are people' and do as it says.

and indeed, the good thing about this is that nowadays i am beginning to learn how to truly stand on my own. i can go anywhere i want without having to yell for companionship, and i can be free to try out things without having to depend on the old people i used to rely on. iyo ang kapangyarihang maglakbay ng hindi nakakapit sa kamay nino man.

and in time i should learn: friendships are the longest relationships we'll ever keep. and it takes a hell of an investment just to find which ones are worth keeping and which ones are not.

while munching on chocolates after lunch...

Song of the Moment: The Blower's Daughter, Damien Rice
To Do (tasks, not people): read up on work
Current State: uppity-up-up
~~~~~~~~~~



"If you believe in love at first sight, you never stop looking."

after all this time, i finally get it.

sighting

Song of the Moment: Prayer for the Dying, by Seal
To Do (tasks, not people): go home
Current State: battling an impalpable sadness
~~~~~~~~~~



on my way to the internet shop tonight i take a ride on a jeepney where a blind guy sits next to me. he pawed in his pocket for loose change and i watched him as he went about counting his money with the touch of his fingertips.

a flash of a thought came to me -- i have all my senses intact, and the only disability i have is that poor, pathetic excuse i have for a heart -- an often exaggerated one, mind you. and suddenly i am thankful.

i can't imagine losing my sight, or my hearing or my speech or my limbs. and even those who have, like the guy who sat beside me, still go on with their lives. i have something he doesn't, and i am ashamed at just how abusive i can be towards my own body. from mundane habits like reading at night in the dark or straining my eyes in front of the monitor, to the more despicable habits of judging people on the basis of looks and ignoring things i can see in the periphery of my vision to the more esoteric exercises like not appreciating the vibrance of a colorful world and instead focusing on the grey areas and the dark clouds above my head over things that piss me off -- that sort of stuff.

i'm not blind. i'm near-sighted and i lost my eyeglasses last Sunday when i went jogging at the old university. but beyond that, sometimes i can't see what is right there in front of me because of myopia. so maybe it's time to start looking at the world around me more often as one in which the stuff of life fills the earth half-full, and not half-empty. maybe then i can see blue in a different light, instead of the wet blanket that i associate it with today.

laughable, sometimes, except when i mean it

Song of the Moment: Some Say from the musical Once on this Island
To Do (tasks, not people): save up for a puppy; yes, a puppy
Current State: excited over the prospect of getting new pets! a puppy and a pair of siberian hamsters
~~~~~~~~~~



i miss you. and i mean it.

well, at least i think i do. but then, that's always been my problem. tentative when the situation demands certainty. obstinate when nothing can be done about anything anymore.

have fun in europe or wherever the hell it is you're going. just come back safe.

maybe when i see you again i wouldn't be such a straight-faced, cold-hearted dickhead and be able to smile back at you.

i went to coffee bean the other day. some guy was sitting where i saw you last. he wasn't my type. he was nothing like you. nobody's ever like you. except maybe houdini.

so i just played black jack on my handheld. it's an addicting game. just like supposed former infatuations. well, actually i wasn't infatuated with you. what's that they say -- love vanquishes time, yadda? yeah. for some an eternity could last as long as a lifetime, and for some, sadly, it can be as brief as a night.

i don't know about you, but that's how fast i went through the motions. and i'd gladly go through them all again, because i think you're worthy.

there. cards on the table. now do i hit, stand or double down?