me, me, me, all about me!! (as always)

me happy, new profile friendster:

VAIN me: i believe deep in my heart that everyone must have moisturizer, and i thank god for exfoliating gloves, but i really have to learn how to incorporate chapstick into my routine.

RAH-RAH me: i do recognize that people do have their part in making our communities better but if everything boiled down to the individual what do we have governments for? accountability and transparency -- those aren't a heck of a lot to ask for.

SPIRITUAL me: there is a god, but it isn't defined by the rules of whatever transient church you can come up with. my spiritual life is my business and mine alone, no one should regulate it, no one should mind it.

GOOD SON me: at the age of 20 i started paying my own rent, the utilities, the phone bills, the groceries, the clothes and yes the meds that regulate my mom's blood pressure. truth is, sometimes they regulate mine as well.

MEMBER OF SOCIETY me: i believe in the inherent goodness of people. eventhough sometimes some of them will let you down. i give a fuck about humanity. it's the people i meet who make me think dogs should inherit the earth.

FRIENDSTER me: i move around a lot and if you're lucky and if i'm lucky we'll ht it off. don't hold your breath for me to tell you everything about me though, since even telling my best friend i'm gay took two years. but don't worry about telling me yours. i'm a deep well of other people's innermost torments.

LOVER me: if you're mediocre, don't even bother. if you don't like me then fuck you loser you don't know what you just let slip away. but if you like me don't think i'm boring. i am, at first. but hey, if it works out and you can put up with me and i can put up with you, who knows? maybe we'll have what others just talk about.

SEX-STARVED me: i'm a fucktard who just wants to get off, like everyone else. if people moved around with paper bags on their heads would that make sex so much easier? i doubt.

stop abusing yourself

Song of the Moment: Lonely No More, Rob Thomas
To Do (tasks, not people): buy hamster food
Current State: thinking of a comeback
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Yahoo astrology: Isn't it time you took a little responsibility for your romantic past? If something's happened more than three times in your love life, consider it a pattern -- and one you might be unconsciously welcoming.

okay. this one's actually got me reviewing all those assholes who went through my door over the years for as far back as i can remember. quite quickly i can see two distinct "patterns".

one, i wasn't so direct in my dealings. like a true-blue crab (i am heavily influenced by water and cancer in my chart), i prefer walking sideways before going for the kill. ask a friend if he's home and then i send flowers, that kind of thing. the indirect approach could work, if there weren't so many people involved in the plot.

second, i was too easy. whether it means we ended up in bed, or whether my true feelings were too transparent, it seems like i'm the kind of guy who doesn't even have an air of mystery around him. a potential could see right through me. now i'm all for honesty, but 'curb your enthusiasm' seems like a wise choice of words for me.

my romance profile on astro.com says i should learn to distinguish between the fancy and the genuine article. how not to be distracted by the symmetry, without losing sight of the substance. great looking guys are everywhere, but decent fellows with no serious baggage who are in it for the long run are either snatched up already or probably aren't aware yet that they're gay.

so with such a constricted market one has to go back to his basics. what do i want in someone? standards are there for a reason. it's supposed to keep the jerks at bay. and maybe that's what i should be doing. keep them at bay.


***************************************

on oggling

it's okay to oggle. as long as i'm not with a friend who shall go by the codename jae, who thinks that's a sure sign one is boy-crazy, which always offends me. there's nothing wrong in appreciating beauty. beauty is yummy. i'm pleased as punch when someone appreciates me, so why not return the favor?

at least i don't go around telling people i go for "brilliance". lately i'm beginning to feel "brilliance" is just a euphemism for sub-standard choices to excuse a secret inferiority complex. there is nothing "brilliant" in getting into a mess and not knowing what to do but get drunk.

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[a few weeks ago i was offended when i was told "you talk about boys more than any of my other friends". it really got me thinking. then last night i wanted to tell that person "i'd rather talk about my crushes than 'talk' about absent friends" but that's mean and there's a day's worth of explanation that should go with it.]

so just to disprove this contention, i am pointing out that i haven't been bugging anyone for a set-up for the past few weeks, and i am not the least bit mortified by the fact that i haven't been in the market for months. call me lonely, call me pathetic, but don't call me boy-crazy.

***************************************

hmm. it seems i had some things to be pissed off about recently but i guess i'll let those pass. pasok 2006!! the year in which i do not expect to hook up with anyone. if it happens, then if it's for a good reason yey. if not then yey, i have 365 days free in which i don't have to worry about matching schedules with anyone in exchange for sex! (unlike some people i know, har har har) weeeee!!!

minsan may hindi tayo nakikita...pero andyan lang sa paligid

Song of the Moment: A Little Bit, MYMP
To Do (tasks, not people): smoke, lamig sa net cafe brrrr
Current State: thankful
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noon sabi ko dapat mahalin ko muna ang sarili ko bago ako mahalin ng iba. pero ang kaso, may iba palang klase ng pag-ibig na ni minsan hindi ko kinilala at mukhang di ko napahalagahan.

lagi na lang si ganito o si ganun, gago, tanga, makasarili -- kasi iniwan ako o kaya hindi na nagpakita o kaya iba ang gusto. pero paglipas ng panahon, pagdating ng araw na ni hindi ko na nga matandaan ang mga pangalan ng mga lalaking ito, sino ba ang naiiwan sa tabi ko?

ala mo na kung sino yun. kasi ikaw yun. kaibigan, kasama. di man tayo nagse-sex, alam ko mahal mo ko. at mahal kita. ang mga lalaki, pag pagpaparaos lang ang hanap, madaling makita. mag-chat ka lang. pero kung totoong usapan ang gusto ko, andyan ka.

pag di ko maipaliwanag ang mga bagay-bagay, may silbi ang pananaw mo. at kung ikaw ang ngarag, ako naman ang babalanse sa yo. kasi ang relasyon natin hindi naka-depende sa bilangan ng pabor.

kahit ang pangalan mo ay princess. o kaya ay nina. o kaya ay eileen. o kaya ay marylou. o kaya ay tony. o kaya ay iona. o kaya ay jae. o kaya ay marnie. o kaya ay tune, hazel, paula o (sige na nga) joey (hehe). kahit di tayo lagi nagkikita, dahil ikaw si cha. o si jodie. pero pag ikaw ang kaharap ko, wala akong pader. at ikaw ang gumagawa nun sa akin. daig mo pa ang mga lalaking nananahan sa mga pantasya ko.

kahit di pa tayo ganun ka-close kasi sa blog lang tayo madalas nagkakausap, salamat pa din kasi naibabahagi ko ang mga naiisip ko sa yo. ikaw na paminsan-minsan dumadalaw dito, sana kahit di mo alam ang birthday ko, naiintindihan mo kung bakit ako panatiko sa horoscopes. kasi fun sha, di ba? :P

ikaw na ka-yosi ko sa opisina, pag sa panahong gusto ko nang saksakin si you-know-who (hindi si etta! lab ko yun!) kinakalma mo ko. sa panahong nanghihina o kaya ay nabubuwisit sa pulitika, ipinapakita mo sa kin kung bakit ako nandito. (at hindi dahil walang ibang tatanggap sa akin -- yata). dahil dito nakahanap ng tahanan ang mga paniniwala ko. sana lang kalmado din ang bulsa ko. hehe asa pa? basta, hindi na ko magkakalat sa sarili kong bakuran, pwamish.

may nagmamahal sa akin. hindi ko lang pinapansin. para tuloy akong walang utang na loob. eh kasi kung wala kayo, sang letseng kangkungan na kaya ako pupulutin? kaya next year, samahan nyo ko. kasi may mga bagong hamon na gusto kong subukan. pag natalo eh di oks lang. kape tayo. saka tayo mag-boy watching. after all, yun lang naman yata ang silbi ng lalaki sa buhay eh. palamuti sa mata.

what's in the box?!? what's in the booooooox?!!!!?

Song of the Moment: Material Girl by Madonna, har har
To Do (tasks, not people): reading backlog
Current State: excited
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maybe it's depravation or something. but i was most excited this year over certain gifts. i am so proud of nina's gift -- a teak wood carving statuette, of vyke's gift, a bottle of becks' instinct (hihihi) and earlier tonight i found out cess and beau were giving me an mp3 player. (before i walked out on her for being late for a ghastly 2 hours, mwahahaha).

tangina, am i so superficial? am i just particularly happy because i have friends who can actually give me gifts that cost thousands of pesos? or is it just a really really nice compliment for the friendship i have offered in return? uhm, well, i guess i'm just doubting the latter because my theme for this year was "all gifts under 100 pesos!".

but i think close friends know why that is so. after all i was shopping for christmas gfts for two people anyway. and in any case it's just a once-a-year bonanza. without the gifts i still love my circles. while a lot of them may be mutually exclusive, i love all of them with equal fervor and loyalty. i guess the asshole in me just emphasizes the expensive gifts because deep down inside i didn't really think people should bother.

but i love all my friends. i swear. hihihi. i shall be thinking of each and everyone of them as i traipse around the mall listening to my player while wearing beckham. nyahahahaha.

i just hope that in return everyone loves the scented candles. *evil laugh*


***************

gad, i can't believe my christmas piece is so utterly nonsensical. isn't the holiday season supposed to usher in a whole slew of life-realizations? epiphanies about our country and our fellowmen? how had my life been different in the past year, and why?

ah screw it. instinct smells nice, and i am drawing up my playlist already. bwahahahaha!!!!

hurry

Song of the Moment: Human by the Pretenders
To Do (tasks, not people): buy some last-minute gifts
Current State: suicidal
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my budget is a wreck and this morning someone stuck chewed gum on the handle of the jeepney i rode to work and it got stuck on the sleeve of my favorite denim jacket and this cheap shirt i bought for less than 200 pesos is not so comfortable after all and jae gave me a nice chritmas gift to supposedly help my lovelife and i haven't eaten lunch and instead bought some food from migs which is such an unsanitary place because it's damp and dirty and crowded and flies and rats are probably holding a fiesta in the kitchen and i am staring at my food now and seem to have lost my appetite and i am still online checking e-mail dropping in on exchanges between tune and hazel and joey and i can't follow the conversation and will probably just chat them up tomorrow when we go watch a madrigal concert at philam if my stomach doesn't get upset from tonight's dinner with vyke and nina and thinking about how much i'm spending and my mom is spending has got me upset and all down down down down so i look to the stars to see if better days lie ahead but my horoscope doesn't say anything about you and my suki drops by and i cough up the money i owe her for the flan and we make small talk and she leaves and i go on to take pics of ric's baby and the digicam is not taking very good pictures and marty casey's got me down with such a beautiful version of wish you were here and now it's over and michelle branch is singing one of these days and i skip her to go to migs ayesa playing baby i love your way and yes, i do, i really do, and all i really want to say is i love you, i do, and if there was any way i could see you i probably would tell you and add to that how much i miss you and even if it doesn't make sense what i feel is true and now i am left wondering whether i should even put this up on my blog and let everyone know i'm dying inside, but they probably know that already because i've been dead for the longest time and if it isn't work then it is just probably the season, or probably the junk i took last night, but look here, natalie's singing the song you wanted to hear and you're anywhere but here and and a part of me says that's how you should always be but the better part of me says that's wrong because i would have taken a chance with you if you hadn't closed yourself to the possibility and even though you lasted no longer than the sunrise would let you, i just want to say that the sun hasn't risen since then and it all feels like one long sunset and i will probably live out this winter the way i did before october 13 and this is the last time i will speak of you again because good things can only stay the way they are if you stop talking about them and cease from putting too much ifs and buts on them and if i ever see you again i will probably just kiss you the way we kissed in front of so many people a lot of whom were homophobes and i will move on, i know i will, but this is just to say that i'm okay i'm great i could be happier but i am resigned to this and i am not dead, only better with each day that i learn how to stand on my own.

pasmadong kamay

Song of the Moment: Fre Loop by Daniel Powter
To Do (tasks, not people): translations raket
Current State: up, up, up
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The results of your analysis say:

You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry.
You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones.
You are affectionate, passionate, expressive, and future-oriented.
You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody!
You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.

What does your handwriting say about YOU?

"year in review"

Song of the Moment: Shape of my Heart, Sting
To Do (tasks, not people): smash this bitch's face in
Current State: down, down, down
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Find the first entry for each month of 2005 in your blog. Post the first line of it in your journal, and that’s your "Year In Review"(note: songs, announcements, surveys and blogthings do not count. they should all be legitimate journal entries):

January: 2004 came and went like a vague dream, the kind you remember when you wake up yet can't seem to recall in its entirety.

February: On the outside, it's easy to say 'i need a date' or 'i want a boyfriend'.

March: we were at the reception dinner for our swedish friends last thursday night, and rocketman was boozing the night away when he got a phone call.

April: on april 7, i will be officially blogging for two years.

May: idiot.

June: last night i went over to eileen's office to pick up my retainer and i hanged out at her office snacking on clarence's blu skies and fidgeting with her lovely, spanking brand new sony ericsson k500i.

July: i had to take my sweet time before responding to these series of messages because i wanted to let the bad feelings subside first.

August: in a world of 6 billion souls, aren't families supposed to give you succor in troubled times?

September: If this heart were a garden this would be its foliage -- thick and alive, with a silence so palpably imposing, as if to say: "dare, if you will, to explore."

October: finally! i reckon i must have spent about 8 hours tinkering with literally thousands of strings of codes and voila!

November: the past few days i've been going through some backtracking.

December: ...this blog isn't dead (as if you actually give a damn?!?)

keeping the faith

Song of the Moment: Free Loop by Gavin DeGraw
To Do (tasks, not people): get a massage
Current State: if you forget me-ish
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eileen and i were off to starbucks last friday and could only find parking space at national bookstore. the guard eyed us suspiciously, so we were forced to go in, just to be polite. i ended up making a purchase. going out of the katipunan branch, i said "this is one hell of an expensive parking ticket," this being a copy of dan brown's book. a book so famous by now i do not even need to mention the title.

the past week i got down to reading it. it is such an easy read. not much complication in language and in plot, and it sounds like propaganda in some parts. but the very premise of the book is what has me hooked.

the very idea that jesus could be defined and described in such a manner is what made me feel so good turning every page. for someone who wants to define his spirituality in terms outside of the conventions of established religion, the book felt like an implied encouragement to go ahead and define my faith on my own terms.

yesterday, i finally closed the pages as i lay in bed wishing away a nagging stiff neck. today i googled the templars and the dead sea scrolls and it amazes me just how much information is already out there. i'm not taking it all in as truth, of course, there is still a healthy skepticism that keeps me at bay from totally believing in the sacred feminine, or the hirus gamos, etc.

what has me raving is the fact that we seem to have evolved as a society up to the level that we can feel comfortable speaking out and questioning the kind of knowledge that we inherit from faith and the influence it wields impliedly or not, over our surroundings.

the da vinci code may not be one hell of a literary work, but the questions it poses for anyone who has read it may very well be the kick in the rear that modern troubadors need to further expose and challenge the conventions of the church and its dogged insistence on selective compassion and hypocritical respect for "divergent lifestyles".

this stance is particularly offending, since it basically tells us that the Vatican would have society "tolerate" LGBTs when in fact that in itself does not erase the discriminatory view of the sector. if god's love is truly all-encompassing as the church would have us believe, why are there double-standards? why are there restrictions? it's so alienating, to say the least.

thankfully there are works such as the da vinci code, and nikos kazantzakis's the last temptation of christ to offer a radically different view of jesus and his true role in history and religion.

so in the words of a friend, i can safely say that i couldn't really care less what the church does with its life. it can ban homosexuals from its doors. it can stand opposing gay rights even as it proclaims an adherence to the universality of human rights.

all i know is that the god i know doesn't judge me on the basis of who i am, but on how i practice my humanity and how i treat my fellow beings. it's in one's ability to exercise his pagkatao, in his constant awareness of pagpapakatao and his developmet of being makatao that the quality of our spiritual life will and should be ultimately judged.

no white flag

Song of the Moment: You and I Both, Jason Mraz
To Do (tasks, not people): fix colors for blog
Current State: holiday-ish
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this is a piecemeal reorientation. the most obvious elements have been set months ago, with the new look and the colors, etc. but this time, it's the very name of the blog that has to go.

for a while, the peregrine was a fine attribution. "wandering, wondering, wanting to plant my feet in alien land" was how i originally described my blog. an old, old, old version can be found here. that was fine when i was younger and didn't know what i wanted to do and where i wanted to go.

but it's a new phase in my life. i have an image of where i want to head and what i want to do with the rest of my life (and no, higher education is not THE only consideration in this). the past few years of blogging can now be summed up and consolidated into a new catchphrase, a new mantra.

i am the captain of my ship. no one can take away what i have unless i let them. my happiness does not have to depend on anyone else. standing on our own is the ONLY lesson in life we have to learn and everything else follows.

and with that, dido's 'white flag' could best sum up my blog's new name. "No White Flag". this is my life, and there should be no reason to surrender it to anyone else's wishes. in other words, hindi ako susuko. problema man yan sa pamilya sa trabaho... o sa puso.

as for the new URL, it's from seal's song. it's not morbid if you really know the song. it's about growing up, rising from all the defeats of the past. in prayer there is contemplation, things die, everything fades away. but what stays true, what stays real is what is in one's heart. thus, dying prayer it is.

i know it will cause havoc on friends who have me on their links but it's just my way of imploring you to take a part in my growth. pompous? not really, i hope. growing up also means that i've realized taht while mistakes may come around in cycles, the circle doesn't always have to stay that big.

contrary to what you may have heard...

Song of the Moment: Tracks of My Tears, Gavin deGraw
To Do (tasks, not people): rest again
Current State: whoozy
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...this blog isn't dead (as if you actually give a damn?!?). although its owner did feel like he was dying at one point because for the first time this year he went under the weather. nicotine-drenched lungs weren't prepped for the onslaught of the freaking winds from the north pole. a-choo!

the blog owner is clueless what the ringing in his ears is all about. it could be the analgesic overload. or it could be that solmux is addictive. but his work schedule has been blown way off course, and if he doesn't move it, his ass is grass.

but the thing is, he feels like a relapse is in the offing. the bastard went out last night to buy a new mattress. the mall had one of those B1T1 promos and the deal was too sweet to pass up. throw in a couple of pillows while you're at it, they said. the jerk bit and was sweating his face off when he got home.

and today who the hell knows where he is going to end up after doing his report? he's even thinking of dropping by a tiangge at UP to grab this rainmaker he's been lusting after, for his wall. damned fool is so obssessed with decorating his room, he'll probably collapse soon if he doesn't quit moving and go back to bed.

anyway, he just wants to say sorry to everyone he bugged last wednesday asking them the symptoms of meninggococcemia. hehe. the fool gets that way a lot. but you guys know that, right?