north bound

Song of the Moment: Superstar by Usher, Kaleidoscope Eyes by Jams and Spoon, Proud by Heather Small
To Do (tasks, not people): shore up the necessary resources
Current State: faking it
~~~~~~~~~~



when i was a baby, my dad and mom had already been separated. it wasn't because their differences had become irreconcilable, yadda, yadda. it was because my dad had gotten himself into a mess with this pretty young lass (i guess). all that shit, you know, really isn't my cup of tea. the details are just too sordid and over and done with for me to realy dwell on them.

the bottomline is, well, of course my dad had kids with the woman.

and for the longest time, i had only an inkling that i had these two younger siblings -- a girl and a boy -- but didn't really know them.

well now i do. yep, we are constantly in touch nowadays. my sister sends me forwards almost every day. sometimes we chat it up a bit. my younger sister's name is ezelle (she followed me by less than a year) and the boy, who is about two years younger than me is harry.

they both live up north in this city called laoag. she's married and he's stopped schooling, sadly. when our dad died their mom re-married. so i guess that makes for one hell of a screwed up family tree, eh?

anyway the point is just that i'm so proud that i actually have a younger sister and brother. eventhough i know next to nothing about them, i have made it a life goal to get to know them and learn about what happened in all those years we were apart.

ezelle's got a little baby girl already so that's even excellent news. another niece! in my mind i have a picture of my sister and brother, and my paternal kin tell me she looks a lot like me. that makes the prospect of meeting even more exciting (hehe, spell of narcissism there).

you know, some people make such a big fuss about half-sisters and half-this or step-this and that. but for me there are only children, and whatever the story behind them is irrelevant. they are blessings of no shameful value whatsoever.

i guess making contact with my sister has helped me come to terms with that as well.

i used to resent my dad for not being there for me. i used to think how life would be if he were alive. maybe he'd be assuming some responsibilities i have been forced to take on my own. but who cares. that's not a molehill of a problem since it's just a supposition underlined by the fact that he is long dead. longer than i could really care about, since i don't even remember him.

but even if dad's a stranger, i guess there should be no reason why my sister and brother should be.

with wings

Song of the Moment: Calling All Angels, Train
To Do (tasks, not people): meet up for next week's Pulag (wuhoooo)
Current State: soaring
~~~~~~~~~~



Airplanes
Take you away again
Are you flying
Above where we live
Then I look up a glare in my eyes
Are you having regrets about last night
I'm not but I like rivers that rush in

yesterday, riding a cab with a dubiously fast meter, i tell jae: i love the sight of airplanes above head. she is not interested in knowing why. and neither could i say i'd have a readily available answer.

the overcast skies paint gray the air as a dotted presence makes its way across. flying low its engines roar down on us as if in pain from the weight of its ambition to reach a height we can only approximate from below.

in transit between meetings, one is afforded a few moments to ask what it all means to be on the move. why is life always a story about people moving and people being left behind? the concrete pavement gathers puddles where strangers hush a second before another step is taken on the way to somewhere else.

So then I dove in
Is there trouble ahead
For you the acrobat
I won't push you unless you have a net

after dinner i get off at my stop and make my way across the avenue. the rains have stopped, but the waters are hesitant to leave the earth. i take earnest ginger steps to the opposite street. the headlights are screaming in my direction, i turn my head to the right and see a bus coming at me.

forty people? fifty? tired? anxious? horny? the limitless possibilities of a story on four wheels are like heartstrings pulling every human being in cris-crossing narratives. i imagine myself writing down their tragedies, and i laugh.

there is a door i want to knock on, a shower i'd like to bathe in, a bed i want to sleep in, with rumpled sheets and dirty pillows at my feet. the bus can crash and burn for all i care.

You say the word
You know I will find you
Or if you need some time
I don't mind
I don't hold on
To the tail of your kite

midnight. another face, another struggle. the walls are talking, and they are talking loud with tv signals channeling a message far from what i would like to hear.

the spin is unintelligible, the message is lost, the news inspires a yawn.

when one is halfway up, one is always halfway down, as a song i love goes. you don't hold on when that happens.

I'm not like the girl boys that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to

it might take the rain to bring you where you really want to be. or maybe something less metaphorical, like a cab. or a plane.

but why speed headlong into a world where one doesn't have meaning?

Kiss away night
This girl boy only sleeps with butterflies
With butterflies
So go on and fly then boy

i love airplanes. when they are flying above head, and their engines are screaming in pain. they are ambitious in defying gravity.

but can love, spurned, do the same?

thunderbolt and hope

Song of the Moment: Sailing by Peter Cetera
To Do (tasks, not people): madami. this blog ought to be short and my ass ought to be on the grind
Current State: outraged!
~~~~~~~~~~



the garci hearing is poised for termination, with the administration all but insisting that this issue is now best left behind. i am particularly irked by a comment coming form one congressman whos esurname begins with the letter "U", saying that he hoped with everyone getting a turn at asking questions of the elusive garci, people would now be willing to change their minds. probably preempting the expected brimstone coming from the opposition after the hearing. but the guy misses the point entirely. garci has not answered anything on level, and he has not clarified anything at all. if anything, he has only come out to come clean, and to confuse and complicate the wiretap scandal.

point blank, he was asked by cong aguja -- was it your voice on those tapes, and he said 'i can't tell'. what idiot wouldn't be able to tell if it's his voice on a tape if he were to hear it? a thunderbolt for this liar, please.

************

got this on the email. when one is losing battles left and right, this piece makes one feel like there is still reason to hope. :D

10 Good Things about Another Bad Year
By Medea Benjamin
t r u t h o u t | Perspective
Friday 29 December 2005

As we close this year, a year in which we were pummeled by the Iraq war, attacks on our civil rights, and Mother Nature's fury of hurricanes, earthquakes and tsunamis, there is no shortage of reasons to feel bruised and beaten. But to start the New Year with a healthy determination to keep on fighting, we need to reflect on the good things that happened. And there are plenty.

One continent alone - South America – could provide more than ten examples of wonderful progressive victories, but I'll just list some of the highlights.

1. Hugo Chavez has shown how an oil-rich nation can use the country's wealth to provide education, healthcare and small business opportunities for its people - and we here in the US have discovered an oil company we can feel good about buying gas from: Venezuela's CITGO.

2. Bolivians have, for the first time in their history, elected an indigenous president, Evo Morales. The former llama farmer and coca grower has fought against "free trade" and the privatization of his nation's resources, and has brought new hope to indigenous people throughout the continent.

3. Anti-war activists - who once represented a much-maligned minority - now represent the majority of Americans who agree that the war in Iraq was a mistake and the troops should come home as soon as possible. And with Cindy Sheehan and Cong. Jack Murtha, we finally had spokespeople the mainstream media listened to!

4. In an historic blow to the Bush administration's five-year attempt to destroy the Kyoto Protocol, the climate summit in Montreal ended with even stronger measures to combat global warming. At home, nearly 200 cities are taking their own Kyoto-type actions to cut greenhouse gas emissions.

5. The Senate ended the year with a spurt of defiance, refusing to permanently extend the expiring provisions of the Patriot Act, blocking the Republican maneuver to attach Arctic oil drilling to a defense spending bill, and passing John McCain's anti-torture amendment.

6. Despite a concerted offensive to lift the president's sagging public support, George Bush's approval ratings are still below 50 percent, his economic agenda (from the privatization of social security to the repeal of the estate tax) has unraveled, key cronies from Lewis Libby to Tom DeLay have fallen from grace, and 2006 might just put impeachment back into the congressional lexicon.

7. Labor, community activists and women's groups have mounted a spirited campaign against the behemoth of behemoths, Wal-Mart. And a California jury awarded $172 million to thousands of employees at Wal-Mart Stores, Inc., who were denied such basic rights as lunch breaks, with 40 similar lawsuits pending in other states.

8. With the wild swings in gas prices, SUV sales have plummeted (Ford Explorer down 52%, Chevrolet Suburban down 46%), the sale of hybrids has doubled, and the US House of Representatives actually held a forum on the "peak oil theory."

9. In a great win for farm workers, the Coalition of Immokalee Workers forced the fast food giant Taco Bell to raise the price for picking tomatoes (nearly doubling many workers' salaries), and now they're ready to take on an even bigger bully: McDonald's.

10. The global movement for peace and justice proved it was alive and kicking: witness Argentina during the Free Trade Agreement meetings, Hong Kong around the World Trade Organization ministerial, and the ongoing rallies against the war. The steady growth of the fair-trade movement also shows that we are not just protesting, but we're also building a more sustainable economy.

Let's make 2006 the year we broke the right-wing tide, refused to give pro-war, free-trade Democrats a free ride, and built a "people's movement" with some muscle to it. We might just get some lessons from our southern neighbors. If Mexico City's progressive mayor Manuel Lopez Obrador becomes Mexico's next president, Latin America's revolutionary fervor will be smack up against the Texas border. Que viva el poder popular en 2006!

Medea Benjamin is the co-founder of Global Exchange and CODEPINK: Women for Peace

Global Exchange
2017 Mission Street Suite 303
San Francisco, CA 94110
(415) 255-7296
http://www.globalexchange.org

"political sophistication" my ass

Song of the Moment: Hurricane by Eric Benet
To Do (tasks, not people): prepare for tomorrow's harried schedule
Current State: vindicated?
~~~~~~~~~~



when you're outside looking in, it's easier to proceed from the standpoint of someone who's just exactly that -- an outsider. but when you're right there in the thick of things, when decisions have to be made on an almost daily basis, the stress can reach boiling point in a matter of minutes. imagine if a decision has to be made on the spot, and if such a decision could impact on the handling of a very important battle, imagine how frayed one's nerves could get.

that's the price you pay for discourse, and this conscious decision to stay away from dogma.

if you are to boil everything down to an ism, if you had a handbook from which you could base every tactical decision the world would be this dreary black and white place where if something doesn't fit your objectives then it is irrelevant and therefore doesn't serve the purpose of The One True Goal.

on the other extreme there is what you call "excessive nuancing". when a position has been taken and when this standpoint is non-negotiable, then the line must be held down at all costs.

but where is this line and when does one toe it? how does one strive for maximum gain without losing sight of the bare essential?

it's all about the common pov; the interest of the collective and above all, consistency. i hope nobody is offended, but i doubt it.

you see, you can't fix something inherently broken if in the end you end up bargaining your bottomline. or at least appear to be doing so. if you are to wage a losing battle, at least, do not be caught dead begging for concessions.

there is absolutely nothing sophisticated in not knowing when to draw the line and say this is as far as you go in engaging this absurd process. you reject the framework and to further lend your efforts into it is a waste of time. there are other fronts to be opened up and you ought to be fighting the battle there instead.



*********

if this doesn't make sense, then thank whatever god you believe in because if you did, you'd understand why my head aches thinking about it.

these things i'll never say

Song of the Moment: Happy Ending by Avril Lavigne
To Do (tasks, not people): give back this book
Current State: hungry
~~~~~~~~~~



if i said that on my way to the office late this morning, i was imagining myself making out with a girl, would it be such shocking news?

i'm not complaining or anything, but i miss writing stuff like this.

epiphanies while hanging around

Song of the Moment: Comfortable, John Mayer
To Do (tasks, not people): get this PR done!
Current State: wondering about last Saturday
~~~~~~~~~~






1. bumming around gives one time to think.


1-a. friendships are the longest relationships we'll ever keep.


2. do not take pictures when you've had two coffee-based fraps


3. four heads in a frame is NOT A SPORT.


4. it hurts to have something unwanted stuck up your butt.


5. you can fake being a workaholic.


6. not cleaning one's mouse can lead to serious health problems.


7. ofice romance is a no-no.


8. happy employees need to have a part of them reflected in their work spaces.


9. kids are only fun until they start learning to talk.


10. bangs are a MUST for some people.


11. boobs are NOT toys


12. just because you're close with someone doesn't give you the license to fart beside them.


13. life shouldn't be taken seriously. at least, not too...


14. my head is too heavy.


15. when you can't explain things, go psycho.


.....for everything else there's Mastercard.

in demand

Song of the Moment: Let's Hear it for the Boy from QAF soundtrack
To Do (tasks, not people): rest?
Current State: stumped
~~~~~~~~~~



"and those of us with ravaged faces, lacking in the social graces desperately remained at home, inventing lovers on the phone who called and said 'caome dance with me'"

when one is hot, it shows. heads turn as naturally as the earth surrenders to the pull of its orbit. people like that usually know it. and sometimes i hate them precisely for the self-awareness that they exhibit and how deftly they can use that to get anyone they want. the rest of us flawed souls are relegated to bitching and blogging about people who are too busy to bother with the reasons why it's so easy for them because they're somewhere else getting laid.

i'll concede there is more than a generous amount of bitterness when i say this, but sometimes i wish the word hot hadn't been invented at all. sometimes i wish we weren't, as a society, too keen on judging people on the basis of their looks. but that's a reality we will always have to deal with. 'we' being anyone who have never been on the cover of a magazine.

then again i get to think. maybe the point should be the mantra i encountered some time ago. people are beautiful because we love them. it's not the other way around. i guess just like happiness, i can spend all my life wondering where beauty is. but the solution actually lies in starting from the goal and then making it happen. instead of saying one wants to be happy, why not say i am happy, and then proceed to find reasons to back it up. similarly, why not say i am beautiful, and then believe in it. the force of that faith should be enough in itself.

tear up those magazines. throw away those movies with the hunks. real life is more diverse than photoshoots and scripts. one finds beauty when one begins to believe that one can actually be in demand, by demanding more of himself than he thinks he is able to.

as ted tells michael in an episode of QAF i watched with iona and eileen earlier at c3: "you're worth more than you know."

everyone should believe in that.

tourniquet

Song of the Moment: All I Want is You, U2
To Do (tasks, not people): speech for the boss!!
Current State: exhausted
~~~~~~~~~~



"you look like a perfect fit, for a girl boy in need of a tourniquet...but can you save me?"
-aimee mann

i do not know exactly how i stumbled upon the site, but i do remember it was a lazy late october afternoon in 2000 when i first came across peyups.com. for lack of anything better to do i registered with the rather formal nick -- my initials and my last name.

it was betteroffalone's dillema that got people talking in those boards back then. she was "talking" about dave, her crush who works at jollibee philcoa. i do remember people like jane, guyspointofview, eclair and a whole host of others putting in their two cents on the matter.

the webmasters, on the other hand, were in the works for upgrading the site, changing and adding features etc. but the boards remained the centerpiece; the main attraction taht kept attracting people.

later on i would meet a lot of these people, and quite a number would remain friends to this day. i would go on to become a mdoerator, and then later on, host of virtual survivor.

i think it was in 2002 that the site felt like it was at its most powerful. not only did the memebrs grow in numbers exponentially, the site was actually coming up with rock concerts, out of town eyeballs and holiday parties.

there was a time when i would have peyups on my browser all day long, and even in good friday of 2002, i think, i was the lone member online. for a time i was even the highest poster (a record people like calvinluther would demolish later on).

but after all these years, i must admit my visits have become more and more infrequent. lesser than i'd like them to be. which got me to think -- what was it that hooked me in the first place?

well, i kept thinkign back to 2000-02, and i realized it was a time of separations. i had just gone out of the collegian, the only set of friends i had kept intact after college. i didn't have enough people in my life.

the novelty of the medium was perhaps in itself an added factor. but later on i would find out that posts online can only do so much. friends were still best manufactured IRL, investments require physical presence just like in anything else. as a result i am closest to the peyups people i see the most. the good news is taht tehre are still peyups people i do nto see often such as ska or jazzyfish, who remain friends with me.

peyups provided me with an opportunity to met new faces, make new friends. and i am thankful. five years as tourniquet had finally served its purpose, i guess.

i came up with the nick tourniquet back in january 2001 when i used the word from aimee mann's song from magnolia. it was a metaphor for some unseen wound, an invicible disability. it was a cry for an emotional crutch for whatever dillema. and it stuck with me in all my peyups years.

but now, i think tourniquet doesn't fit me anymore. although i wish i could go back more often to peyups, just to hang out and see what's going on. my peyups "generation" has long gone and passed, but it's good to know the site is still thriving.

i'm sure it will do as much good for countless other peyups denizens as it did for me and some other people i know.

don't give up on this one

Song of the Moment: Hands Clean, Alanis Morissette
To Do (tasks, not people): transcriptions, har har har
Current State: stoic
~~~~~~~~~~



rarely do i rave over a tagalog movie, but if you're going to watch one pinoy chick flick this year, let it be this one with judy ann and piolo. i am no big fan of juday, and my interest in piolo rests entirely in the domain of prurient thoughts. but this movie is so fucking good i'd actually go out of my way to tell people to drop their fucking bigotry and plunk down a violet bill to go and see it.

maybe it was because i didn't expect much except to see piolo's vaunted cleavage that this movie is so hyped in my mind right now. for sure it begins as typically as any other run of the mill movie (layout characters having breakfast, introduce entire family, nifty-nifty nice spick and span upper class burgis lifestyle mama i'm going to work na, bye bye no more food we're so representative of the filipino masses or at least of what all these jokers can only aspire for yadda). and for sure, piolo's character would prove later on to be as flat as his cardboard stands at Max's.

but it's the writing, dude. it's so fucking witty. it helps that the acting is so natural between the two protagonists. the exchanges are what you would expect from any real-life partners, and the witticisms just zing from left and from right, i was in stitches a lot of times.

and for a movie in which jewel kilcher is quoted (by judy ann's boss), using the exact same words i'd always dreamed would be used on me? fantastic! and watch juday when she asks piolo if she's stepping on cement or mud. her dialogue is hilarious. and without giving away any spoiler let's just say that at one point i thought, 'hey did the writer of this movie pass by my blog when it was stilled called confesions?' far-fetched, i know, but i guess i just saw so much of who i want to be in vince, and realized i can only go as far as the hair and the name (do i hear a second if i claim the looks as well? haha). but i ended up seeing so much of myself in abby: the guarded moments, the rigidity, the consciousness over stature and other people's opinions. that kind of garbage.

and if i were straight, this would be my het love story. i was enjoying the road trip, a plot obviously un-original; and was expecting that the denouement would be ho-hum. yet even the confessions and the apologies and recriminations were done in good taste.

the movie is, as usual, stuffed with so many characters but thankfully their irrelevant subplots were trimmed down. i realy couldn't figure out why they had to have marjorie baretto, john wayne sace or even jc cuadrado in it. or underuse hilda koronel and rio locsin, as well as tommy abuel's story. and i'll forgive the presence of sam (marco alcaraz) in it because he's yummy, and he plays at least a bit of plot importance in it.

but the movie is all abby's. it's her story. judy ann turns in one hell of a performance. and i do not say that too often over big local stars.

compare that to the preview i saw of richard and angel. i think she may be talented. but i don't get how she sells. i think it's only because of her boobies. so i think i'll pass.

chocolate kiss, january 9

Song of the Moment: 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover, Paul Simon
To Do (tasks, not people): transcription pa din
Current State: hungry
~~~~~~~~~~



yeah, we're just regular humdrum camwhores. hehehe.


eileen and i at chocolate kiss


triplets! if we shared the same mother she would have had a nightmare over this childbirth


weh!

more pics to come with eileen, cess and iona. :D *cough* squiggle, hurry *cough*

the transaction

Song of the Moment: Other Side of the world, KT Tunstall
To Do (tasks, not people): finish transcriptions
Current State: thankful
~~~~~~~~~~



if there is one fight i never want to pick with a friend, it would be one about money.

i distinctly remember carrie going all the way uptown to charlotte's flat asking her, 'why won't you lend me money?' at a time when aidan was trying to evict her from their apartment. and charlotte was pretty clear: she did not want money to ever become an issue between the two of them. of course charlotte ended up pawning her ring (from trey) to help carrie buy aidan out of her apartment.

needless to say, so many friendships have been torn apart by money. promises broken are easier to deal with if they do not carry a price tag. unfortunately this time, i am the one playing out the debtor role. some amount i owe isn't supposed to be an issue, but i really feel like this friend has been avoiding me for quite some time because the holidays passed and i hadn't been able to give back the money i owe.

and yet, this very same friend knows exactly the financial situation i am in, and is in quite a powerful position to understand exactly why i am unable to do so. and i took her word for it when she said 'there is no pressure', and when i said 'yes, i will pay' she repeated the exact same words.

the awful news is that an expected cash inflow has not yet materialized. iona offers to make up for it which i am wont to do because that's like juggling one's debt around.

the point is, i took on the words at face value. 'there is no pressure'. and when i broke the news that the money won't be available until later this month, the words she sent were "kaya nga tinatanong kita dyan kung kaya mong magbayad o hindi eh". and knowing her, that wasn't said out loud with no sarcasm behind it. i just don't get the tone she took on. and she takes it on a lot, even when i am late, or when i am texting her and she doesn't reply and i send her e-load and she tells me i ruined her credit line or something.

i mean i do know what i owe, and i am assuming responsibility for it. but between friends who know exactly where each other stands, and between two people who know exactly what life the other one is living -- what the hell was that?

maybe i was just expecting a little more compassion and a little less rigidity. and silly old passive-agressive me, i am again hesitant to force her hand for a showdown. i'm bugged by all this, and the evil part of me would like to tell her 'kung alam ko lang na manunumbat ka sana hindi ko na hiniram ang perang ikaw naman ang nag-offer.'

and to think she knew exactly where the money went because she was there all the time. yes, as upsetting and embarassing as this sounds -- i spent the money for my mom's birthday.

i am so ashamed to do this but between me and cess, for example, so much money had passed between us and we never end up accounting for them. we're so conjugal. walang bilangan. and most ideal, eileen and i who never even owe each other.

i guess there's a lesson to be learned in this. i'll stick with my budget, and if i do pick out a financial adviser it would be one who wouldn't make me feel so bad about my spending habits and my lifestyle expenses, which isn't even that much to begin with. liquidity is synonymous to freedom, it seems.

i still love my friend, and i am confident we'll make it past this. but this one just leaves a mark and i am not forgetting it anytime soon.

the parent trap

Song of the Moment: Proud by Heather Small
To Do (tasks, not people): get back to work mode
Current State: craving
~~~~~~~~~~



at some point you will have to learn to detach yourself from the situation. know what you can do and know where to stop, i tell her. if nothing you do pleases them, then let it be. don't let them make you feel bad about yourself.

but she's tired. and i can tell by the sound of her voice that she's fed up with the old folks at home.

what was it that gibran once said about your kids not being your kids, blah blah blah? in guess who's coming to dinner, dr. john prentice has a heated conversation with his dad who disapproves of his marriage. and he says, when the tone gets to the point that his dad begins telling him he owes him (to paraphrase): 'however you brought me up and everything you did for me, you owed me because you brought me into this world.'

and true. if we ever find ourselves looking after older people, let it be because we really do care about them and not out of a sense of entitlement. not out of a feeling that they own us and we owe them. children are not investments, as she sharply points out.

the stress of providing is not an alien topic for me as well, but i am thankful that at least my mom is not treating me like a piece of property. it makes it a more welcome responsibility. for others like me, well i don't know because i don't know a lot of people like that. but as far as she is concerned, i do believe that someday she'll get out of it. i hope so.

the magic stays with you! chinky!

Song of the Moment: My Humps, Black Eyed Peas -- rolling on the floor laughing my, err... humps, off
To Do (tasks, not people): buy gifts for later
Current State: excited to post pics below
~~~~~~~~~~



this is us, last december 17, 2005. we got up at the ungodly hour of 5am (ungodly for me, that is) so we could have breakfast at tagaytay before going back down to sta. rosa. iona, myself, eileen and rico met up at katips before heading off to bing's place to abuse his spanking brand new vios, hehehe.

5th-wheeling never felt sooooo good. hahaha!


breakfast at bag of beans. food yum-yum, price okeydokey. take-out? sure. but watch where you point your finger. you might end up spending half your pocket money. :P


candid shot, kunwari


bing doesn't seem to believe eileen's claim, whatever it was... hehe


at the log jam exit bridge, before we saw our stolen shots at the log drop. (mental note: gotta post THOSE!)


me and rico tickling helpless eileen at the wheel of fate. thank god she didn't fart.


tickle tickle! this is the same girl who rode the space shuttle 3x, along with iona.


bing myself and iona at the ferris wheel in the morning. cool lang, pero gutom na yang mga yan. hehehe.


costume change after the wild river ride where i DID want to get wet. but DID NOT, grr.


nye-nye! wish you were here! har har


uyyy...through thick and thin, har har!


paint us black up there


iona strangling me for hogging the limelight, hehehe

and more pics at my flickr gallery courtesy of ionaks. :D

bring it on!

Song of the Moment: Constantly, MYMP (har har har)
To Do (tasks, not people): go back to work, hahaha
Current State: appreciated (by iona who wrote a very touching testi for me)
~~~~~~~~~~



if i remember correctly, last 2003 i told myself that 2004 was the year i was going to have fun. well, i think 04 turned out to be the year i saw the best and the worst of me. i might have to go back to my archives to confirm. then 05 turned out to be the year i started taking responsibility for my actions. well, okay okay. my language is far from being mature (see LOVER ME description in post below), and neither have been some of my actions.

but i swear, 06 is the year i am GOING TO HAVE FUN.

for the first time in ages, i am not too keen on anything developing in the romance department. it's not that i have given up or anything. it's just that i'm at a point in which i have a thousand things i want to do and what a bore it would be if i had to keep checking out someone else's schedule for what i want to do with my time, right?

i want to learn how to swim (tangina, that is so pathetic for someone who's 28). i want to learn how to ride a bike. (loser, capital L, please).

i want to climb my first mountain. i want to climb another one and another one.

i want to join another marathon and improve on my not-so shameful 48 minutes in 04.

i want to take on tennis. and at the same time improve on my badminton.

less coffee.

instead of french kisses why not spend time learning french?

those things. no boys for now. and it's not because i got burned or have decided with finality i'm a closet het. if i were i'd run away with cess or iona and raise kids. i love kids. i want kids.

if anything i am thankful for the hurt, the confusion and the general disappointment with every new face that crossed my path. it made me realize that i do have what it takes to take on a relationship. it's just the getting there that troubles me sometimes, and it shouldn't. some people jump from one bed to another at a turnover rate you'd think they were keeping up with the revolution of mercury around the sun. some people linger, and that's an awful thing because the rest of the world isn't going to wait while you get over a molehill of a man who left you.

and then there are those, like me, who are moving around. not necessarily like dawn-of-the-dead walking around, but more like a michael-kimmy-julia kind of walking around. sometimes rushing, sometimes pausing but still, we end up thinking:who's running after us?

but you know what, that's okay. some people call it singlehood. i call it my ME time.

like ricky reyes lo the scriptwriter said, it doesn't matter how you get to quiapo. the important thing is you get to quiapo.

and speaking of quiapo, i think carlos celdran has those tours up and running this month. instead of walking over there where it's so easy to wallow in self-pity and misery, why not walk that way and actually enjoy life?

so on this, my 300th post, i say 'bring it on'. time has a way of fucking up with schedules and with people around us. but life should always be lived according to what we want, and what we need at any given time. and at this time, i want to be a richer person. rich in things i've done and all by myself. and boys won't turn me into that.