rise

heartaches are so much easier to get over when you don't have to be reminded of them on a daily basis. the truth of the matter is, last year i had gone as far as applying for a job elsewhere because i just wanted to walk away.

it was all fine and exciting when, in the words of fiona apple, i would spend time on "daydreams of a boy, whose reality i knew, was a hopeless to be had". but when that reality kicks in, one finds that his mood dips lower than fiona's crooning.

when one has to be reminded of what he went through because the guy in question is only a few doors away, i find that work could suffer. i'm a walking case against office romance.

sometimes, it still amazes me how i put up with my own circumstances. it used to be easy to get over someone because after a break-up, or after a couple of lousy dates, i never had to deal with the guy again.

nowadays it's not the case.

but here's the thing. there's nowhere else i'd rather be. i like what i do. and i sincerely feel that people can count on me for added responsibilities. i have earned other people's trust. i am reliable, even to the point that sometimes, i have extended myself too thinly. finally, i belong.

but how about the unresolved issues? i guess work becomes the factor that defines the space between me and all that baggage. blooming workaholic? maybe. but what else is there to look forward to in the workplace? i've been burned by a couple of heartaches in the workplace, and i must now come to terms with the fact that this is a place of livelihood, not a place for picking up all the wrong guys for me.

the long and short of it: i'm ready for someone new.

missed opportunity

Relax and unwind

This is a day of pleasant thoughts and communication, of easy intellectual exchanges with other people, general light-heartedness and good times. This is a good day to tell someone that you love him. It is also a good day to discuss any aspect of a relationship. If something has been bothering you today, you can discuss it and clear the air in such a way that there will be no negative feelings. Today it will be easy to let the other person know that you are fond of him and that you are only trying to make the relationship better. Go out for a drive today, or better begin a long vacation. A trip started under this influence will give you great pleasure, stimulate your mind and expand your consciousness. You may meet new friends who will stay with you for a long time.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Venus Trine Mercury exact at 02:19
activity period from 26 April 2005 to 28 April 2005.

******

unfortunately...

*sigh* i can only wish i'll have this aspect again soon. when i have some higher degree of clarity, so i'll just know who the heck this passage is referring to.

by the way, this is also why i like getting my horoscope from astro.com. aside from the fact that they base it on your birth time, you can also set the readings for same-sex relationships.

off to sbc. :)

four-eyes again

i just got my new pair of eyeglasses today. and i'm feeling sassy. everyone says they look fine. and i think they're very cute. as soon as i can, i'm posting the pics here. :D

draw your own conclusion

peregrine0925: so what?
consc1ence: dat makes u a stalker
peregrine0925: not a stalker as much as i visit pages and leave comments w/out leaving my name
consc1ence: maybe. but not when you like the guy [-(
peregrine0925: pak off :))
consc1ence: believe me, it's better not to know
peregrine0925: not to know what?
consc1ence: his entire LIFE :))
peregrine0925: well at lst i don't have to try and get into his head
consc1ence: if you keep doing that you won't get any head =))
peregrine0925: we'll see. :-D~

keep off the grass

i draw the line at doobie. and even that i do not tolerate the habitual use of. the last time i smoked pot was about more than a year ago. i never really got into the habit. part, definitely, of my upbringing was a natural disdain for substance abuse. the only addiction i have is love. [yuck, can i please just strike out that shit?].

anyway going back to the topic, i just never took a liking to drugs, even growing up as i did in tondo, notoriously stereotyped as a haven for gangsters, illicit trading in regulated substances and criminality, blah blah. maybe because i was sheltered. maybe because we weren't really chatty nor popular in the neighborhood. but i grew up a straight up kid who would only later on bend over for boys (in rare instances, ehem), not with drugs.

and even though i enjoy portraying myself as a very liberal, tolerant person, deep down inside i hate people, especially rich people, who brandish their addictions like some proud scar to be worn around to show how human they are. i think drug addicts are some of the weakest people to ever inhabit the earth. spineless cowards who can't screw up the guts to face life head on and deal with the cards they're dealt.

as much as possible, i don't ever want to be associated with people with a history of drug addiction, or even use.

but who am i to judge?

i realize there are these people somewhere in my life, and even though i may not know the bottomlines of their tragedies, i am in no place to pass judgment on a person's future based on the person's past. so what if a person has a history of drug use? so what if a person i know still uses drugs? i will go all vatican-ish on this and say i condone the act, but not the person. just because i don't make a habit out of using drugs doesn't make me any better as a person. just a person who knows better.

but i can only wish and hope to whoever is up there that this menace, this silent killer of hopes and dreams, this instrument of escape and illusions be gone from the lives of people i know. maybe even people i love.

Pinoy bloggers' summit

Hope to see you!! I've signed up na.

From: JJ Disini

hello friends (and fellow bloggers):

as you may know, i head the UP Law Internet and Society Program. this summer, we're holding "iBlog", the Philippines' first blogging summit. If you're a a veteran of the blogosphere who wants to meet fellow bloggers and listen to talks by prominent and interesting bloggers, or if you're new to blogging, and would like to learn the ins and outs of blogging, then this is the event for you.

it will be held May 7, 2005 (Saturday) from 8am to 5pm at the National Institute for Science and Mathematics Education Development (NISMED), in UP Diliman.

Admission is FREE but you'll need to register online so that we can plan ahead (i.e., free food, seats, internet access, etc.)

Guest speakers include
The Sassy Lawyer
Abe Olandres
the PCIJ Blogging team
Dean Alfar
Gail Dela Cruz
and CICT Commisioner Dondi Mapa

you can see more details from the iBlog.ph website

if you're attending, you need to register.

i'd also like to ask for your help in promoting the event. copy, edit and
paste this message to your bulletin boards, yahoogroups, friendster announcements, or just forward this message to anyone you know who's a blogger or interested in blogging. if you've got a blog, you can go to this page to get buttons you can post to your frontpage.

i hope to see you in the summit :) thank you and have a great summer!

-jj

JJ Disini
Managing Partner
Disini & Disini Law Office
35 Buchanan St., North Greenhills
San Juan, Metro Manila 1502
Philippines
Tel: (+632) 725-2799 or 727-1437
Fax: (+632) 725-2799 Ext. 104 or
(+632) 727-1437 Ext. 104

Blog: www.disini.i.ph
Web: www.disini.ph
Email: jj@disini.ph

dotdotdotdot dotdot dashdotdot dashdotdot dot dashdot

dotdashdotdot dashdashdash dashdashdash dashdotdash * dashdotdotdot dot dashdotdashdash dashdashdash dashdot dashdotdot * dash dotdotdotdot dot * dotdashdash dashdashdash dotdashdot dashdotdot dotdotdot * dash dashdashdash * dotdotdashdot dotdot dashdot dashdotdot * dash dotdotdotdot dot * dotdotdotdot dotdot dashdotdot dashdotdot dot dashdot * dashdash dot dotdotdot dotdotdot dotdash dashdashdot dot * dotdashdash dot * dashdashdash dotdotdashdot dash dot dashdot * dotdashdotdot dashdashdash dashdashdash dashdotdash * dashdashdash dotdotdotdash dot dotdashdot *

jeff buckley, where are you?!?

i find a face on some blog, and i find out he's taken. i go to a party and gets a free ride home from a very cute guy, and i find out he's taken. a friend drops a note in my flooble chatterbox and i visit his blog where another crush is linked, and i find out he's also about to hook up.

this is all about pacing. i'm tooooo freaking slow. it makes me think the market is drying up, and i'm running out of a good catch. either that or i have an innate sense of attraction to the unavailable.

damn it.

how often do we hear straight girls complain about all the good guys being either taken or gay? with gay men, i think there's also the same catch. the good gay guys are all either taken or still struggling with the closet.

anyway it all depends on your definition of 'good'. and by good, i mean 'good god, how could such a beauty exist on this wretched earth?'

times like these call for a buckley song. *sigh*

manang bola mode peregrine's love profile

got this from this site where i am now a registered user for five years riding on their free readings, full texts of which i get only on thursdays, heeeheee. knowledge of your time of birth is required. which is why i actually have more confidence in the forecasts i get from this site, because it is so attuned to your personality and bases its horoscopes on the aspects between planets at the exact moment of your birth. :D


Ascendant in Libra

With your Ascendant in Libra, you have almost an addiction to physical beauty and grace in sexuality.

If there is a disadvantage to this position, it is that you idealize love so much that it is difficult for any partner to live up to your expectations, both physically and emotionally. Occasionally you must come down to earth, for otherwise you may set your sights too high for any realistic relationship.

In most relationships, you are the one who develops ideas rather than the one who thinks of them. However, you must give your lover plenty of room for personal development and avoid the temptation to be manipulative in order to get your way.

If the relationship is well balanced, you can shape and articulate it to the point that others will see you both as "beautiful people."

Sun in Libra

What you most desire in a relationship is continual growth and development.

Therefore you should avoid a lover who wants to settle into a warm, comfy, secure relationship. Seek a more adventurous person who is always looking for new ways to make your affair more spicy and keep it in motion.

The true test of a happy relationship is whether each of you can steer the right course between evolution and stability, avoiding the reefs on both sides.

If you can steer that course, you will indeed be an explorer in the realm of emotions and interpersonal communication, and you will learn a lot more than most people about what makes a relationship good or bad.

If you and your lover are creative and mutually responsive within your relationship, your love will be a continuously exciting adventure.

Sun in the Twelfth House

You have a strong sense of privacy and individuality. You disclose your inner feelings only in the most intimate circumstances and only to those whom you feel are your closest friends. Such openness is, in fact, the highest honor and token of love that you can bestow upon a friend or lover.

Because of your natural reticence, you don't actively seek new relationships, but rather tend to wait for others to seek you out.

Others may see your personal life as quite mysterious, attracting speculation about behind- closed-doors affairs. They will seldom be able to assess your private life accurately, but the very mystery will make you seem more attractive and desirable.

Moon in Pisces

Your emotions are very intense and finely tuned, and you can usually see into the heart of an affair more quickly than your partner. You are likely to have considerable mood swings and changes of heart within a relationship until it has settled for a long period. For that reason, you should find a lover who is more stable than you.

It would be good to have a partner who can handle the bothersome petty details of existence, so that you can then attend to the more meaningful issues in life. Under such circumstances, you can transform love into a clear, pure vehicle for personal understanding and revelation, both for you and for your lover.

Moon in the Fifth House

You have a certain infectious quality that enables you to lead others in good times.

Thus it is easy for you to become involved in a love relationship just for the joy and entertainment it provides. But you may be unwilling to confront the more serious or problematical aspects of a relationship because you don't intend to get involved in such complications.

Normally you take the lead in turning lovemaking into a smiling art form, in which you relish every joyful movement and lead the dance to greater heights.

Venus in Virgo

You are likely to be most comfortable with a familiar lover who knows your habits and desires very well. In order to enjoy love most fully, your partner must be completely aware of your likes and dislikes. Do not let antiquated moral taboos keep you from living up to your love potential.

You and your lover can find pleasure in writing down your fantasies in detail and exchanging them. This will make your lovemaking, in its own way, a dream come true.

Venus in the Eleventh House

You prefer a lover who is well coordinated physically, emotionally and socially, someone you can show off proudly to your friends.

In this area your judgment must be very acute so that you can separate true substance from the showy or trendy. Try not to harry your partner unnecessarily about details of dress, image and social acceptance.

This is particularly important, because you want your partner to be a close and dear friend whose love will endure beyond the convenience or necessity of the moment. Therefore, by being patient about small matters, you can cement a lasting relationship that will elevate you both.

Mars in Cancer

Your sexuality may have a very uneven rhythm, building up without expression for a time and then bursting out with considerable intensity. You are much more likely to get a satisfactory response if you let your lover know your intentions ahead of time so that he or she is fully ready for you.

Similarly, try not to be overprotective of your lover. Almost unconsciously, you may spin a web of protection around your partner, and even though it stems strictly from love, it may be too confining.

Mars in the Ninth House

You may have developed a rather externalized approach to sexuality in which you decide on your moves and expectations ahead of time; then physical fulfillment depends upon each partner properly playing a predetermined role.

You may become a connoisseur of special sexual roles, developing a number of fairly well- defined relationships through which you can express myriad forms of sexual communication.

truefresco reveals

where am i getting all these hits from? some i am familiar with, such as dan's and sj's. but the rest --? was i featured on blogger? did word get out about my pathetic lovelife? is a deranged stalker spreading my url online? or am i really just that damned good? maybe it's my flooble chatterbox, with all the mention of the word "penis" in it. yeah, maybe that's it. maybe if i just fill this up with foul language, i'll gain notoriety.

yeah. that's me. foul-mouthed horny bastard who hasn't had a lay in six months, i mean, two days i mean... whatever...

COCKSUCKER

that should do it. now i'll just wait for the increased traffic. teee-heee-heee! *psycho*

drown

two saturdays ago i was speaking to a group of youth sector activists about policy advocacy in the god-forsaken mamaw country of paenaan where no cabs and FX taxis were to be had and the only way to get to the venue was by a 1-hour jeepney ride.

i was talking non-stop for about an hour and a half and by the end of my talk my throat had dried up (i had a glass of lukewarm water but it was to no avail). after taking in more fulids, i took delight in my humble incentive for coming to the meeting: a free swim in the pool.

well, i didn't actually swim as much as i just wet myself in the water. swimming is one of those great frustrations in my life, one necessary skill i never learned. which is why i am scared of sinking ships. i would be the first casualty.

in the pool, i tried just floating in the water, my head bobbing up and down, my arms and legs striking the water and against its enveloping force, and in less than two minutes i felt my limbs start to weaken. so i stayed close to the edge, against the gutter, and just held on while i tried to float my legs. i tried a few laps and i did move a few inches. i just can't get my feet to float, and i don't know how to move my head, so that everytime i swam i was completely submerged, my lap only going as far as my breath would allow.

but this incompetence notwithstanding, i love being in the water. i am drawn to it like, ehem, a mermaid. i feel it is where i belong, like i expect myself to turn into foam everytime i step into the water and my whole body is covered in the liquid embrace of the sea, or in that saturday's case, the pool.

when i am underwater, i love the feeling of silence, amazed by the sense of drowning, the feeling of water filling up my lungs in place of air. it is a death most honorable to be embraced and taken away by the very force that created life.

but not that day. not yet. and so back into land i went. i dried myself off and bid my goodbye to the youngsters and was off to manila, away from the mamaw country.

but the water continues to haunt me. and it beckons. someday.

don't end it with a question mark

"if you don't know the answers by now, then maybe you shouldn't be asking questions in the first place."

my own private neverland

it doesn't hurt to dream.

around the saddest circumstances, james barrie discovers the stuff of which better places are made of. he contends that against the bitterness, the travails, the loneliness of this plane of existence, it remains possible to find that place in which all you have to do is believe, and everything is right again.

a place where boys never grow up. a place where fairies blow pixie dust in your face and you can fly. a place of dwelling for pirates, indians, cowboys, dancing bears, and children of all ages.

in a world of deadlines, competition, paychecks, sex, drugs, intolerance, betrayals and other scandals, don't we all want to find a place where our dreams are as easy to find as air?

in james barrie's world, a failing marriage, plays that flopped and an inability to communicate his deepest, sharpest truth to an unwilling world didn't bring him down. he channeled these energies into a positive outlet to bring an enduring tale about a boy who never grew up.

in the real world, boys do grow up. there is that exact moment in between boyhood and manhood, oftentimes indiscernable, when a choice is made, and one assumes a mantle of responsibility, or perhaps takes down a road where there is no turning back to the innocence of duties not yet realized.

this is the boyhood we must all nurture within. when against all that must be done, we still recognize what we want. how to take responsibility for our actions without taking everything so personally that we fail to realize that some things are not to be taken seriously. how to approach life with joy, despite, and maybe, even because of all the sorrow.

this is my neverland. and unless you're michael jackson, i just might take you there someday.

i never copped a feel..aw!

This is so freaking funny, i swear. Try it. Hope it loads easily. Sounds on, you must have. :P

what google thinks of me

ripped this off this guy's blog. you can try it over here.

vince is walking on water
vince is the world's biggest player
vince is so popular
vince is mad
vince is nice
vince is important
vince is a freak
vince is gay
vince is perty sharp ain't he
vince is the best
vince is walking on water faced with a situation that most would hope never to encounter
vince is the kind of actor who reminds one why there are movie stars in the first place
vince is featured on the cover along with ric flair and also featured in the cover story about the roster split
vince is receiving rave reviews for his guitar work and vocals
vince is an application that allows the user to choose which applications are set as helpers for internet protocols
vince is a modular atm switch manager written in c
vince is back home
vince is working on his degree in business marketing and management at the university of kentucky
vince is looking toward graduation after spring 2002 courses have been completed
vince is a citizen of the usa and has been involved in athletics since the age of three
vince is playing lately
vince is from talofofo aka "god's country"
vince is committed to raising teacher salaries
vince is committed to supporting his community
vince is into all types of music
vince is a graduate of georgetown university's school of foreign service and did graduate work
vince is not 'out' at work
vince is also said to spend quite a bit of time typing the same word over and over into the university computer in an attempt to discover a formula to prove
vince is someone who has made himself a billionaire by playing on our eagerness to know the con while we're falling for it
vince is working as an assistant branch manager in eddie brown's bookmakers
vince is moping about his bankruptcy from gina and his loss pinner metals to his father since his acquisition of 6 tanks
vince is the one
vince is a lot better looking than any of the savanna monitors which were at the show
vince is only 23
vince is an award winning speaker
vince is being followed by a muscle man
vince is now inundated with love
vince is back
vince is a member of the american institute of industrial engineers; national contract management association
vince is a keen and efficient writer
vince is an apprentice
vince is one producer
vince is now banned from the oven and stove
vince is the founder and current president and ceo of elliott affiliates
vince is in a fire in a crowded movie house
vince is currently recording his first solo album
vince is a killer speaker
vince is also up for three tnn music awards
vince is hoping to benefit
vince is proudly supported by the san diego/ imperial county labor council
vince is providing ease in introducing experimental signalling and routing to running atm networks
vince is a tattle tale
vince is involved in many community organizations and has continually participated in charity events
vince is upset because stone cold has a gun
vince is general counsel for the norfolk tides baseball team
vince is a mamas boy
vince is on the board of the american red cross and the board of greater new castle common credit union
vince is the other guitarist in wave invasion
vince is not a republican
vince is known for his high
vince is another "rocket scientist" that strongly supports the sep program
vince is an internationally accomplished composer
vince is a smart man
vince is director of operations for graphography
vince is always drunk
vince is observed entering the driveway of a large house by two plain clothes police constables
vince is always being bombarded with tons of questions about looking like prince so he decided to try to answer all those questions right here on this website
vince is just that incredible

paranoia

our fears are often totally baseless. mine? i'm scared of guys who rejected me ending up together. tangina. this is the kind of phobia that really sucks to have.

one giant step backward

white smoke. finally. but then again, i just want to take a little stroll down memory lane, when the previous pope's rottweiler invited this response from a local legislator in her maiden privilege speech.

FEMINISM IS HUMANISM
Privilege Speech by Akbayan Rep. Ana Theresia Hontiveros Baraquel
August 9, 2004

"Ginoong Speaker, ginagalang na mga kapwa Kongresista, mga kabaro at kapatid na lalaki, magandang hapon po sa inyong lahat!

My party, Akbayan, deeply protests the “Letter to the Bishops of the Catholic Church on the Collaboration of Men and Women in the Church and in the World” written by Josepg Cardinal Ratzinger, Prefect of the Offices of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith last 31 May 2004 in Rome and approved and ordered to be published by Pope John Paul II.

In the spirit of sisterly correction, I ask why, in the latter years of a Pope who has meant so much to us in many of humanity’s struggles for democratization, social justice and a humanist culture and ecological healing, among others, the Vatican has seen fit to reaffirm its earlier, painful marginalization of the feminist movement from these parallel strivings for a fully human life. Just like all sisters living under Islam, all sisters practicing the indigenous spiritualities of their ancestors, all feminists who profess a faith and whose political consciousness and social involvement were formed in great part by this influence, I say, we, too, are Church. We appeal to its leadership not to turn a blind eye to the role and gains of the feminist movement in building more humane societies, and to re-examine the virtual abandonment of this movement embodied in the Cardinal’s letter.


The Cardinal wrote of feminism that “strengthens the idea that the liberation of women entails criticism of Sacred Scripture, which would be seen as handling on a patriarchal conception of God nourished by an essentially male-dominated culture. Second, this tendency would consider as lacking in importance and relevance the fact that the Son of God assumed human nature in its male form.” This is the most startling part of his letter to the Catholic bishops. Feminists criticize not Scripture, but some of its patriarchal interpretations that exclude women from the promise of fully human life in our male-dominated societies. Wasn’t the New Testament and Jesus’s proclamation of the commandments of loving God and our neighbor a critical take on the Old Testament? Does the Cardinal not appreciate the role of positive, critical discourse within the Church in revealing the rich meanings of Scripture? The Catholic Church would be poorer as an actor in the world if not for the critical perspectives of liberation theology, creation theology and yes, feminist theology, among others. And no feminist debates the fact the Jesus was born a man. Instead, we Catholic feminists cherish Jesus Christ as a feminist man and a sign of the feminine principle in God. Akbayan is interested to learn through interfaith dialogues how Muslim feminists and feminists of other spiritualities would view similar questions about their Sacred Scriptures, about God and about their holy prophets as these questions impact on their actions in our societies.

for the rest of the speech check it out here

presenting: oriah mountain dreamer's

I want to touch
the sharp taste
of the moment in between
the second just before
the place where
the breath catches
in anticipation.

It's the scent of heat held in the air
between two mouths
reaching for each other, hungry.
The shine of moisture on slightly parted lips
just before
it melts into
the wetness of the other.

It is the skin that tingles
waiting
fine hairs at attention
reaching
aching.
It is the places that have not yet been touched
but know they will be.
It is the smooth, quivering paleness
of the inner thigh
as the outer is stroked and kneaded.
The muscles of the abdomen tightening
the back arching slightly
begging
come here
quickly
slowly.

There, in that moment
do not take your eyes from mine.
I am here
awake
I am
reaching
to be
met.

Do not touch me and keep your soul
out of your fingertips.
Die into me
or do not come into me at all.
Ever after is in this moment
happily or not.

Sacrifice the daydream.
Dare to hold the desire
for a great love.

Be with me.

lascivious thoughts at 9 am

for a change i was early to work today. i got up at the ungodly hour of 7:30 and was well on my way to work by 8:30. i got on an FX towards Fairview, and was sort of pissed that the old guy in the middle row wouldn't move when i got on. but the irritation was soon bumped off by a realization that the other guy at the end of the row was kinda cute.

he was kinda half-asleep, half-awake. he had a very nice aquiline nose, very angular features, fair-skinned, a white shirt that clung to his nipples pressed up like a pair of delectable raisins. he wore loose jeans that were sort of bulging in the region where bulges that mattered made an impression and it had me smiling all the way to my stop.

tangina. he was so cute. i'd love to cover him up in caramel and lap it up like a thirsty pup. it's the kind of sugar high that would go well with him. i thought about how sweet he must smell, how much soap went into scrubbing his body this morning, and was instantly jealous of the water that must have run down his entire body to wash off the dirt off his skin.

i wanted my dirt all over him.

as soon as i got off, all i could think of was all the things i would do to get him off.

and i had to turn away as the FX sped away because i just couldn't help but giggle.

i'm one fucking horny bastard.

this is not the way to meet famous people

at the morato rotunda last night my friend was having her wheels pumped up with air and she was recalling an incident that happened last week.

she was at an early morning meeting, with participants coming from various government agencies, liars all, on the real deal about the country's employment situation. unfortunately for my friend she'd taken dulcolax sometime before going there.

so long story short, she had to rush to the toilet. the stalls are aptly covered -- thick walls and all, and quite private so she could do her business with confidence. she was alone, but it turns out only until such time she could finish and flush. while washing her hands winnie monsod comes into the bathroom, and chooses to use the stall she'd been in, of all possible choices, and once inside lets out a loud *grunt*!

funny thing is, winnie keeps using the toilet anyway.

i could just imagine the scene in my head. this is mareng winnie, of ariel detergent fame, host of a chaotic public affairs/circus freak show, and erstwhile respected economist with some policy recommendations that actually make sense. and she, my friend, who holds her in high esteem, in a very private, if not messy, moment. and from that moment on, what they will always have in common: a ladies' room stall simmering with traces of some noxious fumes and the sense of a violent disposal of the previous night's meal.

fucking hilarious.

can you read my mind?

marnie and i haggled between coffee or Runes before we settled with a reading session with bong at Runes the other night.

we got to the place at about 9pm, and bong's schedule was jampacked. thank goodness for bottomless iced tea! after about a zillion refills, bong came over our table and began my reading session at about 1 am.

he said my soul descends from the spirit of dwendes, dwarfs, magical, spiritual beings that, as i understand it, is just a notch below angels. naks! he said the soul is therefore characterized by a playful quality that is sometimes naive. ouch!

bong tells me i should try to reconnect or discover the magical side of the dwarf lineage i have in my soul. i have absolutely no idea what that means or how to do that, but it tickles my fancy to think i am naturally attuned to magical forces.

bong's reading isn't actually a palm reading. he doesn't use stones, cards or crystal balls. he tunes in to your aura and as an empath he focuses on the energies that you give out.

as an example, he asks me if i had been in a situation recently in which there was some woman talking/yakking -- "talak ng talak" -- and i am immediately reminded of the incident a few days back, which i have ranted about in the post below.

i am then told to ask him a question, and in my mind there was only one --"where is he?". he does a bit of psychologizing on this part, but he also tells me that i should learn to stay still. he said that was the sense he was getting from me.

and then we get to specific questions and i am asked to picture the person i am asking about in my head. bong's eyebrows reach the zenith and his lips twitch. and he says "give it a time period within two new moons, and you can expect to deal with it once and for all."

and then he adds, "maybe you should just go ahead and have sex. you'll find out if it's just lust, or if you're really in love."

*barf bag please*

and then i picture another face, and he makes a disgusted, uncomfortable, horrified face and says "no."

this makes me laugh. at least i have THAT settled.

bong asks me to put my hands on the table with my palms upturned and he gets an image: "a garage? drums are playing? he is wearing a white shirt and khaki pants? he is either trying to call your attention or he is avoiding you?"

brushing aside the suspicion that bong might have read my blog before, i tell him about that bistro incident. that priceless moment of revelation i would come to always associate with the person in question.

i also ask bong whether i would be able to travel. he tells me that i have to finish some business here. but he adds that in two years time the probability will increase.

out of manila by the time i'm thirty. great. that's enough for me to chalk that up as a life goal.

my reading is finished by 3:30, and after me, it was marnie's turn. but it's her job to disclose how her reading turned out, eventhough i was there and heard almost everything.

anyway, it was fun, even if i can't say i believe in everything i was told, but at least it served some purposes -- for some things in my mind there was affirmation. there was complementation. there was rebuttal. but what i liked the most about that particular reading was that it was all about aural energies. i was afraid bogn would tell me i'm a huge flaming ball of negativity and downtroddenness, which he didn't so it was really nice to hear him say i come down from teh bloodline of magical dwarves. whatever it means, he just points out that it implies the power i have in myself to make even the most mundane seem more exciting.

he warns me though, that the first impression he gets out of reading my energies is a sense of 'inertia, boredom, sleepiness' like i'm just doing things because i have to and not because i enjoy them. and it got me thinking -- it's probably true, but in which area of my life?

it's food for thought for the next few days. or maybe for quite some time. how not to be such a big loser all the time.

good intentions

so there was a little problem with our well-intentioned position on a brewing mess in a government agency. apparently some people don't like gel. unfortunately the words i stringed together for my boss have been misconstrued to constitute a frontal assault on the sensibilities of some people.

anyway without going into details (because this is a personal blog, after all) i just want to say that i am in the thick of some politicking simply because i am doing my job. and to think having my boss in the papers for two straight days should be cause for celebration, this comes along, and i am being questioned for my office's inability to "coordinate" the issue with some other units/offices.

but stress notwithstanding, i feel good. it means i am taking responsibility for my actions and my office work. and in my immediate office, i have no problem because everyone here has been supportive. but some other people? forget it. instead of being a facilitating force, an agent for dialogue and understanding -- they have become forces of conflict and added pressure.

but at least it gives me a reason not to come over to rocketman's office. not that he's there anyway, but still, i really don't relish the thought of seeing his traces.

because last night i decided it's really over. not only is he emotionally dishonest, he's also abusive.

he sends a couple of text messages last night which i successfully ignore all throughout until i went to sleep.

i've had it up to here with his BS. building upon all the things i've realized and all the things i've said in previous posts, i have come to the sad conclusion: if he's not going to help me put an end to my feelings, then it's about time i took control of my life.

if it is not related to work, then i will minimize contact with him. i will also have to bid bantay ict goodbye. i'm not so sure if i even want to talk to him about last year's events. but i initially thought i'd put that out there as a condition before i go full sailing with our friendship. but now i got to thinking: there's no point in talking to walls. in tintin's words: he doesn't desserve you. and these are the words of someone who's known him since they were in college. that's about twelve years of friendship already.

i'd like to believe trying to draw me in was rocketman's way of smoothing over the obvious pain i went through last year. but with his refusal to engage me on that level, his intentions, whatever they may be have come to naught.

this is why the world is so fucked up. we all have good intentions when it comes to work and friendships. but so much good is lost because of whatever reasons and factors that come into the equation.

"Why, they don't like his voice?" and other news

The headline reads: "Senate Panel Grills Bolton Over Record" and I immediately think the Bolton on trial is Michael.

Meanwhile I can't believe the Vatican would let this guy celebrate mass in honor of the Pope.

What the hell -- pardon the pun -- were they thinking?

Meanwhile, I hope she wins her case.

mean bones

first of all, i am not a regular chatter. mIRC sucks, not the least because it's inhabited mostly by assholes. i don't need to add my presence to that population.

but bored and a bit interested to check out the scene, i logged on earlier tonight and went to #brodpack where i chat up a guy who goes by the name cyrus.

after a few pleasantries, we get to know a little bit more of each other, in the most general terms we could possibly divulge without letting the other in too much. so we had the basics covered, and we have each other's pics. we get the idea to meet up and exchange numbers, and he tells me to log off immediately so we can meet up in sm fairview.

but somehow i just wasn't into it. and yeah, i really wasn't into him.

so i disconnect, and then i log back in so i could park.

stupid me, though, i gave him my number so he sends me a message asking me where i am.

and this is something i do not do, and i know this is going to bite me in the ass one day: i reply with a patently discouraging "hu u?"

and he tells me "i'm the guy you were chatting with"

and i tell him "what? i don't chat. who gave you my number?"

and he says "i was talking to someone kanina and he gave me ur number"

and i say "that's not me. i'm in cebu."

at this point i want to roll on the floor and laugh my ass off. but it is mean.

so after he apologizes, i console him with another reply "that's ok. it could be my ex."

dan, is that you, screwing with larry and eventually playing "cupid"?

i realize it is an awful act of denial. i gave him my word i would meet up with him. i was an asshole, just like a lot of those people online hiding behind pathetic, lewd alternicks.

i definitely wouldn't want anyone to do to me what i did to that guy.
the guilt however, is lessened by the fact that a few hours later i see him posting his ad again in the chatroom. i guess he recovered pretty quick, the horny bastard.

(but for me, karma seems to be working its way in my direction sooner than i thought. i'm still working and it's almost 9 pm, while tune is at glorietta oggling cute boys, and eileen is having fun on a date with rico. me? i'm just a sap who's drowning himself in work because he can't get a date.)

i swear i am not doing that again, ever. unless i'm working one sunday afternoon and i am bored and i find myelf wanting to check out the pretentious scene that is mIRC again.

this is the bottomline

i take it back. damn it. this is another one of those slip-ups i shouldn't let myself fall into. i said i would be an adult about all of this, but i guess i'm just a difficult person sometimes.

three humble servings of vodka mudshake might have done me in, but i was totally in control of my thoughts. why did i say those things? why should i even care if they're together outside of work? why d i keep fearing the possibility of them getting back together? because i'm the outsider looking in, the one they wouldn't let in. and when they're together it keeps coming back to haunt me.

all this drama i keep dragging myself into, this mess i inhabit alone is best summed up as: it worked for the two of you once, why couldn't it work with me?

i said it doesn't matter when you're carrying a lot of baggage -- documents, sports apparel and homework -- when you want to be with someone. unfortunately on friday night, my stuff couldn't even be as half as heavy as the emotional baggage i was (and am) towing around. and it's not healthy.

as the counting crows crooned on that hidden track in 'recovering the satellites', "someday i will walk away. but not today."

one day when i can finally say, "i don't love you anymore. goodbye." i will be someone else's prize catch, and all this will be nothing more than a footnote to my continuing narrative. i just wish it wouldn't smart as often as it does.

split-second decision

it's like this. my bag is overstuffed with documents and clothes from this morning's badminton session with fay. i have my racket, and i have a thick folder full of documents for tomorrow's presentation, which i haven't even reviewed. i have to prepare for tomorrow's talk.

but does it matter when you want to be with someone?

#100

it's oficial. my blog's already two years old as of yesterday. and with this, my hundredth post. wow. in infant terms, my blog should learn to walk and say its first words by now. which makes me think -- what is my blog saying?

hmm. *ponder*

a workaholic in progress

I'm starting to like the feeling of having too much on my plate. Consider if you will, my schedule for the past few days and the upcoming weekend, with tasks done stricken out:

-----------------

Wednesday
am - GMA rice program PR
12-5 caucus
- (get check from ******)
6 pm - documentation
eve- Runes, Closer

-----------------

Thursday
9 am - labor
12 nn -- boss presscon at PICC
PR?
(****** check)
pm - DepEd ARMMnomalies bullet points
documentation
Educ'n bullet points for talk
eve - GJeans

-----------------

Friday
8 am - badminton with fay
10 am - meeting with emer
12 nn - office
- sectoral updates for boss
- PR on VAT (tit-for-tat Palace)
- PR on transpo
6 pm - pick up tickets (not my job!!)
now:
- documentation
- Educ'n talk bullet points

-----------------

Saturday
am - finish presentation
12 nn - go to Antipolo
1:30 - YS conference talk
eve - Runes? palm reading

-----------------

Sunday
Council report, go to office
statement for wednesday hearing

-----------------

Monday
am - jog at UP
9 am - follow up Philrice
Oversight - Talk to Tina
nn - talk with farfar re poll on awareness level of *bleep, bleep*

-----------------

notes:

Marcos money hearing
- get numbers of NGOs
- follow-up transcript of previous hearing
- letter for Philrice
- briefer for boss


-----------------

I knew I asked for more work, but this is getting ridiculous. But the awful truth is, I like my schedule. Going to and fro, sitting down in meetings, writing up reports and releases, drafting bullet points for some issues that we expect to work on in the next few weeks, etc. etc.

During last week's preparations for THAT event with the cory speech and all, people were telling me I needed to relax. I needed to lighten up. But this is what happens when you're juggling three jobs at the same time. And I am not the kind of person to brag, much less talk, about my job.

But i do get a sense of fulfillment doing this. I'm actually a part of something much much more than just myself. I have no time for anything except blogging and yahoo messenger (and an occassional trip to gloria jeans), and boy-fantasizing.

If my scheudle gets any more toxic than it already is, I think I'll finally be able to say, with pride: "Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken? What's love but a second-hand emotion?".

I want to drown in my work. It feels so much better than drowning in unrequited affections.

listen, can you hear that?

there are some conversations i wish i could play over and over again in my head. why are words so powerful, yet so transient? i wish i could retain the gems of advice that have passed through my ears over the years, those life-details and those sad stories, a lot of which i never really took the time to appreciate, follow and understand.

i ought to develop my listening skills. eventhough i'm a magnet for angst-tellers, i must admit i have a way of tucking those tales away in some obscure corner of my mind, a place i never really look at ever again. i'm a bad listener.

it's like hearing people talk without hearing what they are saying. maybe it's a defense mechanism. with so much negativity in this world, and in my own life, i want to come across like i care without necessarily absorbing the negative forces that come from all the sad stories i have to hear from people who need me as a sounding board.

unfortunately, that makes for one self-centered bastard.

promise. from now on, i'll learn how to really lend my ear.

faces

blog-hopping the other day, i stumbled upon a face on some other guy's online journal, and i thought his friend, in his orange shirt and black-rimmed eyeglasses was pretty cute.

but the thing is, i think he's taken. and i'm too shy to confirm, lest our common friend think i'm just chummy with her because i want to hit on her friends (yup, i also have a crush on another of her friends).

checking out the guy's profile on blogger, i realize he's an aries. it's been a while since i was last attracted to an aries. hmm! delish. we're actually opposites in the zodiac belt, and that, they say, makes for quite a combination.

i can remember his face. and eventhough the couple of people i've shown his pic to say he's not cute, i disagree.

the sad struggle of a face in your head before going to sleep. that's how infatuations begin, and over time, evolve into something more.

i gush about my finding to marnie over gj chillers (dulce de leche, yummmm) the other night, at about the same time that an old face walks in and i almost scream. old friend carla from the collegian was just the same as she was last time i saw her five years ago.

we chatted up a bit, and i gave her my number, and somehow i bring up the matter of her friend, F., who i dated a few years back.

she was with him. and i was speechless. i had the opportunity to say, 'oh, maybe i'll say hi later' but decided against it.

when marnie and i left i opened the door for her and i see him, his hair was longer, and he was wearing eyeglasses, but he was still skinny as ever.

marnie and i walked towards the opposite direction, and she decided she'll have a box of gonuts donuts to go (a sinful delight i've said goodbye to, as a weight-watcher).

marnie kept teasing me as we crossed the street, and all i could tell her was 'shut up, shut up.'

there are faces i remember, but that doesn't mean they still mean anything. some goodbyes are meant to last. and some faces deserve to fade from memory with time.

this afternoon i get a series of messages from an old flame who is inviting me for a weekend getaway at fontana. i know what it entails, and i am not too keen on the idea.

he sets our rendezvous for the 23rd and i tell him it's my friend's birthday on the 24th (which is true -- it's marnie's birthday, even if there are no plans yet).

in the end we leave the date hanging. and a part of me keeps wishing he won't bring it up again.

how is one expected to reconnect with someone you were not that crazy about in the first place? i don't even remember his face too well anymore.

tragic, really. i don't like my options. there has to be more to see out there.

yep. finally i've seen it.

and if you haven't... WATCH IT.

he's still out there

last week was toxic, in more ways than one. it seemed like there were a million things to do. there were press people to call up, releases to be written, a powerpoint presentation to be put together and last-minute logistics for a conference that was going down on saturday.

the past few days had been so hectic, and in the back of my mind i just wanted to lie down and finally get a full 8 hours of sleep. i really didn't mind all the work. in fact i liked what we were doing. what got to me was the fact that my nose had been running and i had woken up on monday morning with a slight fever. the mercury rose to record levels, getting to as high as 35, and the heat was on in the office. quite literally. the airconditioning was malfunctioning.

at one point i thought i was about to collapse. i lied down on the couch inside the boss' office but had to get up again to answer a return call. i was at my lowest physical point.

and it got me thinking. if only i had arms around me at the end of the day the fatigue wouldn't be so much of a big deal.

i made such sentiments known to herbert, who was arranging a dinner for my boss and a foreign guest at his office.

vince
am too harassed to think of a place right now, will update you tomorrow kung asan sha. god herb, do u ever feel xhausted? i do right now. *sigh*

vince
can i just vent - - ds s one of those days wen im so tired and i hav nothing to fall back on. haay. am just very tired. very very very tired

herbie derbie (04/01/2005 7:10:27 PM)
Funnily, i've been feeling a little burnt out lately. Sorry to bother you when you're tired.

vince
no, it's not that. i don't mind. i'm just soooo exhausted. wouldn't be too bad to have arms around me now. i need a hug har har kainis!

vince
but at d end of the day i know its just me myself and i. it's tiresome to think of, but true, an di nid to stand on my own, and i do, but sometimes it's not enough, is it? *sigh*

herbert
ok wil ask your boss to hug you

vince
that's not comforting

herbert
we can't be choosers.

i disagree. i still have a choice, i tell myself.

nevertheless, i find myself having coffee at c3 with tune and rocketman, to discuss bantay ict. and there, i slipped back into my rocketman phase. i don't know how. it must have been just because of bantay ict or something, but it was just there again -- the idea of him and me. smooching. screwing. sharing. i had to fight myself just so i wouldn't fall all over myself again.

while rocketman went to the boys' room, tune tells me: he drunk-dialled you last tuesday, because he missed you. a couple of nights earlier, i had skipped their sharky's session because of my cold. and the bastard drunk-dialled me at 1 am to carp about how fortunate i was to be ghost-writing cory's speech. and that he missed me. and whether it was okay with me, if we can fuck.

i didn't buy it. that was our thing from last year. one of us had to be drunk before saying out loud how we felt.

why can't you say you miss me unless you're soaked up in alcohol?

i asked myself, but didn't dare say it out loud in front of rocketman. there won't be an answer, i know.

so on friday night, exhausted yet again and wanting to unwind, i decided i would be alone to think things over. c3. iced tea. readings on burma. and an aching, untamed heart.

tune was insisting i join them at sharky's. funny. you're alone at c3. and he's alone at sharky's.

but the really funny thing was, when rocketman texted me and i told him i was alone at c3, i half-expected him to get up and go to c3 instead. and then i thought maybe i should go there. i almost took up tune's offer.

but what is that they say about friends turning up just when you need them? by some stroke of luck, eileen, who's been out of touch for the past few days after dunking her phone in the waters of bora a few weeks ago, passed by c3 and saw me.

just as i was on my last sip of iced tea, she calls me out and we sit down and start yakking away. later on enteng joins us, and my friday nightcap was sealed. i had an excuse to skip sharky's.

besides, it wasn't rocketman's offer for me to go there, so why should i even bother?

i only had to say rocketman's name before eileen and enteng ganged up on me and gave me a piece of their minds.

the more we tell you not to do something, the more you do it, so fine, go ahead, eileen said.

but enteng delivers the biggest punch of the night.

he's using you. he wants to be seen with you to get someone jealous. if he is really interested then why haven't you talked about what happened last year?

it was a revelation. and instantly i am reminded of a few things from the night i was having coffee with tune and rocketman.

were you pissed when he called you up drunk? tune asked. i wasn't i tell her. but i was pissed the following day when i saw him having such a good time talking to bistro guy. and that night i was pissed to find he had a picture of bistro guy on his phone. to remember those and to hear enteng's words shook me up and brought me back to earth. an dget this, on that very same friday night they planned up a getaway to galera. common friend gus, who i think only knows rocketman too well, suggested that bistro guy be brought along. and rocketman says he's bringing me along. and they all jump on the idea, which i thumb down.

put it all together and it becomes apparent to me why rocketman wants to hang around me so much.

this is exactly what i meant when i accused him of being emotionally dishonest last year. he is soooo obviously still not over bistro guy, and it's just pride making him say otherwise. because for one, bistro guy have had a string of boyfriends over the past few years after rocketman. (the fact none of those relationships lasted is yet for another time to discuss).

but far from feeling sorry for myself, i take the realization towards a positive direction. i took all of it to affirm what i only know in my heart to be true.

what does your gut instinct tell you? enteng asks me before we leave c3 on Friday night.

i didn't reply but i knew.

it's not the bistro guy. it's not rocketman. he's still out there.

in the future, i will meet someone and there will be more stories to tell about him than these two guys. and it's important not to lose sight of that.

walk on, indeed

eventhough i'm raving about ghost-writing cory's speech, i was pissed that the IPU wouldn't even consider Burma on its plate. but just when i thought last saturday's conference was a dud, chuchay or teddyboy or maybe julie comes up with this.

Don’t give up now

The exclusion of the Myanmar democracy issue from the formal agenda of the Inter-Parliamentary Union’s 112th general assembly in Manila should not discourage those who have taken up the cause of the Burmese people since the 1990 elections that were dishonored by the military junta.

The exclusion was understandable since the agenda was drawn up months earlier, and under IPU rules, only one emergency issue is allowed -- the tsunami risk faced by many countries and how lawmakers can put in place mechanisms to prevent a repeat of the massive destruction and loss of lives last December.

The Myanmar issue, on the other hand, compels attention because Myanmar is scheduled to chair the Association of Southeast Asian Nations (Asean) in 2006. The thought has horrified prodemocracy groups, and their reaction was exemplified by Luis Ayala, secretary general of Socialist International, at last Saturday’s meeting of the Asean Inter-Parliamentary Myanmar Caucus in Manila. How, he wondered, can democracies allow an authoritarian regime and an intransigent violator of human rights to chair Asean, the most significant regional grouping in this part of the world?

The caucus, coinciding with the launch of the Philippine Parliamentary Caucus on Myanmar, drew more than 200 delegates from all continents -- a remarkable display of support for the cause of the Burmese people, led by the detained Nobel Peace Laureate Aung San Suu Kyi. If only for this solid show of concern among parliamentarians from various regions and political persuasions (the Philippine caucus represented all political parties here, including the perennial adversaries), there should be no let-up in the campaign for Myanmar’s full and authentic democratization. The full range of support from Philippine groups evoked such pride in the two top leaders of Congress, Senate President Franklin Drilon and Speaker Jose de Venecia, that they made sure Akbayan Rep. Loretta Ann Rosales introduced each Filipino parliamentarian with emphasis on the political affiliation.

Very rarely, indeed, is such a fortuitous mix of events achieved. The stakes are highest for Myanmar at this time, because an overwhelming clamor for the junta to mend its ways or risk the supreme insult of losing the chairmanship of Asean can only happen this year, the eve of its assumption. Such high stakes, coupled with the unprecedented unanimity reached among political forces from around the world, and the continuing pressure from the United Nations, to compel the junta to reform, may yet win freedom for Suu Kyi. She has been detained since August last year after her party was abducted on the way to a township office of her National League of Democracy just outside Rangoon.

The pressure on the junta is so strong that, even if the Myanmar issue were excluded from the main agenda, IPU’s human rights committee will still take it up, opening the way for a report or recommendation to be forwarded to plenary just the same. And Senate Minority Leader Aquilino Pimentel Jr., whose privilege speech last Dec. 1 triggered the foreign relations committee resolution demanding Suu Kyi’s freedom and democratic reforms as conditions for Myanmar’s chairmanship of Asean, expects no less than a favorable result from IPU.

In a free-wheeling interview with award-winning journalist John Pilger in the early ’90s, Suu Kyi expressed hope that after 40 years of authoritarian rule "our time will come." It has been 15 years since her NLD party swept free elections, but she was unable to sit. She remains undaunted despite a series of seven detentions by house arrest.

If the unprecedented consensus around the world, as manifested in Saturday’s caucus in Manila, were an indication, there could be reason for this brave, noble woman to keep hoping. Those who have embraced her people’s cause should not give up now.

*sigh* there's still hope. :)

claim to fame

something really nice happened last week.

while an unspoken drama unfolded (with the boys who are but are not in my life) on a personal level, and against the backdrop of a tense and exhausting regional conference we put up for saturday, a small gift came my way.

you see, eventhough i do not agree with everything she has ever said or done, she is still somebody you never pass up an opportunity to ghost-write for.

and for that activity last saturday, i wrote a speech for her.

our office had initially invited her to attend the conference but she begged off. we didn't really expect her to come, since she was probably very busy. so we asked her office if she could send a solidarity message instead. they agreed, and asked us to write it. naturally, the task ended up in my desk.

we sent her the message last thursday and up until friday we did not know if she got it on time. but by saturday, this guy attended the conference, and he read the speech.

after the program, we collated all the papers read by the speakers, and i now have cory's speech, my speech, with her signature on it, in my desk.

it was a once-in-a-lifetime honor.

and so the conference went down, and it was BIG. drilon. angara. pimentel. de venecia. pangilinan. a dozen liberal party congressmen. the subtext underpinning the success of the conference was that they took our efforts seriously. i don't think any other party-list can do what we did last saturday. gather all those big names together in one event.

and if you happen to have a copy of the inquirer from last sunday, april 3, you might want to go to page a6 and read all about it.

then you might want to check out the accompanying photo. upper-right hand corner. *guffaw*

so last saturday was a big deal for us. the presscon itself was one of the biggest i've ever put up in my work-life. and the wires went crazy with the story, and it's so far been to kerala, india and to uk, and god knows where else.

unfortunately, these people couldn't care less.

walk on, suu kyi, walk on. :)

*************

anyway here's the letter:


cory message
from the image library of the peregrine.

ambivalent about his death

i swore i wouldn't blog about him, but after blog-hopping and seeing so many people mourn him online, i couldn't help but just leave my words around and point out -- he's the same guy who said gay people should not be extended the same rights as hets, the same guy who gave his blessing to ratzinger's anti-feminist rants, the one who said abortion is wrong at all costs, etc. sure he may have spoken out against injustice, but there were some backyard issues he couldn't come to terms with, like women as priests, celibacy, etc.

i don't mean to be harsh, but i'm not exactly teary-eyed over his memories either.

so okay, i still would like to pay my last respects, for the man who heads the church into which i was unknowingly baptized (at birth). rest in peace, sir. i guess the good you did was worth it.

my blog is an aries

on april 7, i will be officially blogging for two years. much of those two years were blank spaces representing a lot which happened to me offline. a lot of those lost memories filled in by old articles i wrote for the collegian, for the aijc, for unicef, or for bnext or whatever.

but it was only late in 2003 when i really got into blogging as a means to cope with the heartaches brought on by a couple of guys who used to be a couple. but all the lurkers and regulars in this blog know all about that, so whatever.

the fact that i've been doing this for two years just brings a certain feeling to me. a feeling of excitement, that with two years down, there can only be more stories to tell in the next two, right? i look forward to discovering those stories, those confessions that wait to be experienced everytime i log off.

the peregrine has a million miles to go. happiness? maybe it's just a hundred tears away. but so what. let each teardrop be chronicled in the pages of this blog. and with each page turned, the peregrine moves on.

happy anniversary soon, my beloved blog.

two songs

two songs i'm so into right now. the first is a song that aptly describes how i feel about this certain guy. it's an old song by brandy, which didn't quite make it to the top of the boards. ironically, it's entitled "almost doesn't count".

Almost made you love me
Almost made you cry
Almost made you happy, baby
Didn't I didn't I

You almost had me thinkin'
You were turned around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

Almost heard you saying
You were finally free
What was always missing for you, baby
You'd found it in me
But you can't get to heaven
Half off the ground
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

I can't keep on lovin' you
One foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation
Of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin'
If you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you
Than what you came here for

Gonna find me somebody
Not afraid to let go
Want a no doubt be there kind of man
You came real close
But every time you built me up
You only let me down
And everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

I can't keep on lovin' you
One foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation
Of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin'
If you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you
Than what you came here for

Maybe you'll be sorry
Maybe you'll be cold
Maybe you'll come runnin' back, baby
From the cruel, cruel world
Almost convince me
You're gonna stick around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

So maybe I'll be here
Maybe I'll see ya' round
That's the way it goes
Almost doesn't count

and the other one, is caramel by suzanne vega, which forms part of the soundtrack for closer, which i raved about a fewweeks ago and can't wait to watch on wednesday. wuhoo.

It won't do
to dream of caramel,
to think of cinnamon
and long for you.

It won't do
to stir a deep desire,
to fan a hidden fire
that can never burn true.

I know your name,
I know your skin,
I know the way
these things begin;

But I don't know
how I would live with myself,
what I'd forgive of myself
if you don't go.

So goodbye,
sweet appetite,
no single bite
could satisfy...

I know your name,
I know your skin,
I know the way
these things begin;

But I don't know
what I would give of myself,
how I would live with myself
if you don't go.

It won't do
to dream of caramel,
to think of cinnamon
and long
for you.