i cried the other night, i can't even say why

now this is a confession.  because i haven't even told anyone.  but it did happen.  i think the moment just caught up with me.  it's wrong i know.  but i couldn't help it at that particular time.  sunday night. i felt the solitude creep right under my skin and eat me.  that everyone-else-is-hooking-up-but-not-me shtick.  that sick notion that i'm not relationship material.  it's old, i know, but heck, it was just there.  so i gave in.  but now i'm back to normal. i think.  no more longing, no more wondering. maybe i just needed to go there so i could come back again.  just to see if i was still capable of feeling something. 

 

anything.

 

 

caught in the middle

how does one mediate between two friends who are caught in a rift because of something you did a year ago?

well, it seems the fallout from the whole rocketman episode has brought me this. my best friend gfnik is so incensed with what she believes to be rhapsody's insistence that rocketman and i end up.

i actually met rhapsody through gfnik, because they used to work together. in the same office rocketman used to work for, before gfnik came in. and rhapsody and rocketman go back a long way just as gfnik and i do. the three of us (gfnik, rhapsody and i) were actually good friends at first before rhapsody started building up the ill-fated rocketman-peregrine loveteam.

a part of gfnik blames rhapsody for my confusion and the occassional slip-ups. rhapsody on the other hand is not entirely onto this sentiment. something tells me there are other issues underlining this dynamic between two very good friends of mine, but for now rocketman seems to be the crux.

i have given gfnik my assurances that rhapsody and i do not talk about rocketman anymore. gfnik is vehemently against rocketman, you see. in much the same way that her royal highness and just about everyone else were so vehemently against he whose eyes do not have it.

in any case i've learned my lesson and i've moved on, but the fallout is still wreaking havoc between the two women.

the messy scheduling at c3 last night was a nightmare. gfnik and i were giddy about spending time over coffee and reading, reading, reading. although i might have done a bit of this while reading. but i got there first and found hazelnut, another friend, waiting there for rhapsody.

before rhapsody got there, a temporarily cellphone-less gfnik arrived and was only well too sure who would be coming over. she made a quick bye-bye to go to mocha blends and i had planned to go after her but apparently she just chose to go home instead.

"i swear i didn't know they'd be there," i told gfnik over text.

well, anyway they got into a little bit of a tit-for-tat over text later on and i really have no idea how to handle it, other than to make sure c3 remains neutral ground.

i just get to think all this is my fault. i made a mess of the whole rocketman thing and these two highly opinionated ladies had their own take ont he matter, albeit very different.

gfnik has been my close confidant for so many years, and she always hits the spot when it comes to the stupid boys in my life. rhapsody on the other hand, is also a good friend, because we have so much fun together.

i can say it's safe to take out the rocketman factor but i guess this is one rift i still have to tread very gently on. i just wish my friends would all get along as well.

i really don't know how to handle this because i don't want to lose either friend.

combatant

alice says it's not a war.  and i agree.  why would it have to be so violent, this feeling we all seek only in the company of someone who will be with us at a level that no other person ever would be?

 

yet, sometimes, i can't help but wonder why love could be so difficult as if one were locked in a battle.

 

we map out strategies, whether we are aware of it or not.  do i text him or not?  do i say hi or do i ignore him? the "hidden laws of a probable outcome" often than not depends upon split-second decisions that will determine the terrain of one's mission.

 

we build our trenches, stick our head out for the "enemy" and start shooting upon sight.  sometimes love feels like it's contingent upon the defeat of someone else's defenses. hence the term 'conquest', perhaps?  (i just want to get to know you.  maybe we can talk over coffee?)

 

and so we set the stage for setting down our spades and aces, as if these weapons were the shape of our hearts, as sting sings.  (what do you do when they call you for an assignment outside the city? do you live with your parents?)

 

the terrain gets more complicated as we learn more about the "enemy".  we discover they live with their parents, so where will we hang out? we find out they go to law school and we think does he have a social life? will he have time for me? we find the enemy is into rock music and we say what, no backstreet boys?

 

as we find out more we use our smiles and silence as weapons.  sometimes we also go back to eating our pasta.  (quick, think of something to say to keep him talking.)

 

it's all about making a right turn.  otherwise you'll end up a casualty.  (i am soooooo over him, like duh.) when he starts shooting your way and your wit isn't in check, you just might find yourself holding a one-way ticket to loserville.  (he is so antipatiko, i hope he never covers us.)

 

does it really have to be like this?  can't we just do away with our armors and try honesty once in a while?  dan would say what's so great about the truth?  try lying for a change, it's the currency of the world. he might have a point.  why be honest when you can say i don't like you anyway. 

 

but that's the pitfall of a soldier.  one must assess the truth of his situation. (i am somebody, with or without somebody else.) he must be aware at all times of the objective conditions around him.  he must always be on guard without letting his defenses down.  (i ilke you but if you don't like me then i don't like you either.)  but he must always be willing to shift tactics.  (unless i see you walking down the street one day and you say hi, i will never speak to you again.)  one must always make room for revisions in one's gameplay without losing sight of the strategy. (i'm looking for myself out there, and hopefully, someone somewhere will find me.)

 

the enemy is out there, lurking.  and just like in any warfare you must engage, you only get one shot at him. (i love you.)

 

be on guard.  because i can't help but think that in order to achieve "peace" one must be willing to wage a war.

 

 

why god didn't give us superpowers

traffic's a jam. it's crappy. if i had the power to read minds, tinker with another person's thoughts, i'd telepathically tell the jeepney driver to speed it up, break rules, or whatever, just to get me to the office on time.

but why stop there? why not ask him to give me back my fare? why not ask him to give me all his money?

wait a minute, if i had telepathic powers, why would i even be riding a jeepney? i'd be riding a cab. wait a minute, why rent a cab when i can just walk into some auto dealer and telepathically manipulate them to give me the latest model? (my fave has always been the toyota echo).

wait. why should i have to do the stealing myself? i can just as well telepathically manipulate an entire mob and let it do the job for me. and while they're at it, i can ask them to stop by a bank and get me some cash.

but why bother with pesos? i might as well just hop on a plane and go to the u.s. and wreak havoc over there with my powers.

it's be so much easier that way to get to tom cruise and telepathically manipulate him to lie down so i can screw him senseless. nevermind katie, that bitch. she can watch, for all i care. i can always erase her memories, nay, her entire brain later, if i wanted to.

sigh. i can just imagine it. me and tom. doing all the unholy thigns men in lust can do. no religion will accept him after i'm done with him. (on second thought, i doubt any religion will want him after all that ga-ga over katie stupidity he was exhibiting on american tv a few weeks back).

but wait. why settle for tom cruise? assuming i'll be in hollywood the neighborhood's teeming with all the guys i've always wanted.

it's gonna be a fiesta!

soon i will want the world.

i might even just walk into the UN and declare myself head of household, err, i mean president of the universe. i can just telepathically order everyone to make me supreme leader of this god-forsaken planet. hey, maybe we can even have world peace that way. with me on top, of course. i will just tell the armies of the world to lay down their weapons. hmmm... soldiers...

...

and that's why im not telepathic and i'm stuck in traffic and it's almost noon and the sun is fucking sizzling and this is what i get for daydreaming and not kicking my own ass so i can get to the office on time.

for a fleeting moment

i had a jason blunt moment last night as i lined up for a slice of mango tart that cess would take out for her grandma.

tugging this huge crimson red giftwrapped box that cess had turned over to me as a gift for my mom, we settled down at a table in front of the counter. something caught my eye. or more appropriately, someone.

he was beautiful.

he had spiky hair. he was tall. he had this black jacket on with a sign of the aries on the back. he was wearing one of those b/low jeans, which i even doubt is from bench because he looked a bit upscale. he had a prominently sharp nose. thin, dark lips -- smoker. small hands. long legs. huge shoes.

he was beautiful. from all angles.

but it was too fleeting, the moment. he stood there in front of me. and i knew the moment would only last as soon as he got his order fixed up.

he was beautiful, and i know i'll never see him again. for a moment as we stood side by side, in that split-second before he left the counter and i took his place, i could see his eyes move, stealing a glance. a vague smile escaping his lips. he looked so beautiful.

somewhere up there an angel must have been smiling.

in a moment he was gone.

it's nothing really. just a beautiful face, in a crowded place. and i had to face the truth. "i will never be with you," i tell myself as he moved down and i took my place at the counter and proceeded to smile at the barista to get my order.

a beautiful face in a crowded place. i, meanwhile, remain enthralled.

i feel like jumping off an iceberg (hehehe):


from some place on the net
james blunt - you're beautiful

while he wasn't looking

it would have been easier to let things go if i hadn't seen that picture. after all, it wasn't really anything, right? 

 

but i saw your face.  and then i saw his.

 

shame on you the first time. i didn't know.  shame on me the second time around.  i didn't know nor cared who he was.  and shame, shame, shame for all those times in between ignorance and awareness. shame for letting my gonads run all over my better judgment.

 

i still don't know him.  all i have is his face.  but i don't think i can ever be with you again knowing we're doing something i know i don't want my lover to do behind my back.

 

i was so drawn to you from the moment i met you.  i guess i hadn't been attracted to a "bad boy" before.  and (with a knowing smile), yes, you were a 'bad boy'.  it was fun while it lasted. 

 

i hope i don't ever end up with someone like you.  i hope not all guys are like you.  and to think you could have been my marcus. 

 

but i don't know if i'll ever be able to resist you when i see you again.  but i can't stop thinking about how i would feel if i were in HIS shoes.

 

so let's be friends, then?

 

 

eternal sunshine of the clueless mind?

here's some disturbing news to get my day started.

i'm a daydreamer. i think that pretty obvious with this and this and this.

i spend an inordinate amount of time fantasizing about things -- not just boys -- and news like this really gets me bothered. if it's true, would this mean that in due time i would take more pleasure in a world of make-believe until the line between what is real and what is fantasy is blurred and i end up not remmebering things that have really happened in my life?

it's an ally mcbeal moment for me. and i get to wonder: what would it feel like to lose all memory? where would one draw his feelings if not from images, places and faces? take them all away and what is there to feel about?

my daydreams sometimes include episodes of amnesia after some near-fatal vehicular accident. just so i could feel what it would be like not to remember him or them or that.

also, i have to confess, i have a hard time remembering things. i'm not a details kind of story-teller. i tell stories about how sucky a day has been and i can't even recall exact dialogues that happened, or words that were said. i'm a big-picture kind of guy. vague-minded and dreamy, i get to suspect that i really might be a candidate for this disease.

i am often told of how beautiful the jim carey-starrer is. and i confess an interest in employing the technology to erase some things i don't want to remember, especially some boys i wish i'd rather not have known.

but at what cost would one gain eternal sunshine, if the mind atrophies from a lack of memories? there are some things in life i'd rather forget, but remembering can urge one forward. and while i am afraid of dwelling, i am equally terrified of moving forward with nothing behind me.

daydreams are fine. but maybe i should also take steps to remember, and remember well. would a digicam do? hehe. but one thing is sure: i wouldn't trade my memories for bliss, at whatever cost.

the perfect portrait

every birthday always feels like a new beginning, a culmination of a cycle that begins too soon, ends too long. mom's cycle, on the other hand just began yesterday.

 

she's hanging by her teeth on her 60s, and next year she turns another corner into a new decade.  at first i thought the day would pass by on a negative note.  but sweet, sweet nina made the day extraordinarily intimate by cooking up a mean rendition of carbonara, complemented by lettuce salad, chicken and white wine. 

 

in any case, having my friends care so much for me like that really taught me to be thankful for what i do have.  marnie was all over me asking me how i was in the cashflow department, and cess was offering to bring a cake (until the rains stopped her), and of course, nina was our own personal chef for the night.  and what even touches me more is that she wasn't feeling all that well in the first place.

 

we sat around the tv and ate, but nina had to go before midnight so i walked her out and stayed with her until she got a cab.  mom was very touched.  i promised i'd pull through for her.  and she again says that line about me, her youngest, vis-a-vis her other kids.  anyway i brush it off.  i don't need to be reminded i'm the favorite son. *smirk*

 

i stood by the sink and started doing away with the pile of dishes that built up while nina andi were cooking.  it just got me to think about things relating to family and stuff, and it felt a little sad.  somewhere in my mind i think about opportunities lost, ties unmended and some other "mistakes" and whether they could ever be rectified.

 

i wash the suds off my hands, turn the plates down and wipe off the counter with a cloth.  in my head, i see the picture of a conflict-less life, another life in which i'm not feeling like a piece of a broken jigsaw puzzle.  well, maybe that's a bit of a stretch.  we're not exactly broken, but psychologically i think there are gaps in between some of us.  if you grew up in a family in which you weren't really that close with your parents' other kids, you'd know what i'm talking about.

 

but on the other hand, this is another one of those cards i was dealt with.  i can't even leave it.  i can only take it.  make the most out of the corners and chasms of this nifty little word they call 'family' and mold it according to what i think it should be.

 

and at this point, family = mom and me, plus, plus. when everyone else is off getting married and having their own kids, or running into trouble with their wives and kids and work and everything else, the term has to adjust to reality.

 

nothing and nobody comes into this world perfect.  and knowing that allows me to settle and rest.

 

i have a family portrait in my head.  that's where it will stay, because i'm finally, finally -- after all these years -- happy with what i have.

 

old chums

a few months ago, i got a friendster invite from an old high school chum. up until that time my only link to my pre-teen years had been my old grade school friend ronald. when this other classmate added me, i thought it was also a random find.

but yesterday i got an invite from yet another high school friend and it occurred to me to go through my friends' lists and see if any other old face from my grade school or high school would show up.

to my surprise, not only were some of my other classmates there, apparently we even have a batch friendster. i'm starting to appreciate this site again. just when i had whittled down my list from around 250+ down to a more intimate and trustworthy 120 or so, i find old friends lurking not too far in the intricate networks of friendster.

going through some of the profiles, i was amazed by just how much my old classmates had grown. some looked better than before. some grew old. a lot of them grew fat. quite a number are married. only a few are still single. a few aren't even in the philippines. and there's even a batch trannie. and there's also this very, very early friend, someone i badmouthed back in 6th grade (yes, even back then i was already evil).

wow. put ten years between you and someone you thought you knew and you'll find just how wrong you were.

i admire people who stay friends with people from their high school and their grade school. because i didn't. i kept moving on to the next big thing that life had to offer, and so lost so many people in the process, for better or worse.

i just get to thinking about how it was that after i left for UP, i seem to have lost touch with all my childhood chums. it didn't help that with the move to the university we also moved cities. and while manila and quezon city are just beside each other, it feels like the two are a universe apart for me since i rarely ever go back there.

and i'm just wondering whether i should add up these people, after all these years and a couple of reunions i've missed. how, for instance am i to deliver the process of coming out to them? i can't trust my friendster profile to do the job. i want it face to face. these people aren't exactly my closest friends but they saw me evolve (at least a bit) from the mid 80s to the mid 90s. they were a part of my life, and while i may not care about some, i still want to find out about the others.

i guess i'll take it one old friend at a time.

pics from the birthday bash for the boss

things got off on a light note with the irreverent behn cervantes cracking jokes about what else, but the good old days?



the ever-luminiscent cong risa taking her part in the non-stop singing that lasted way into the night and technically, the following day


party leaders in a heartfelt rendition of a rather cooky song


closing time!


in a dark corner the foot soldiers were having their share of alcohol... and then after this shot was taken i realized my eyeglasses were missing...


can i be any more gay in this pic?


i wanted to put up all the pics coming from lori through a flickr badge but the stupid uploading tool wouldn't recognize my tags. grr. anyway, enjoy! and contrary to what some people might think, these people i work with do know how to enjoy themselves.

i wish it could be you

where do lives that run parallel with each other meet?

they say we take our own journeys on roads that we define on the basis of what we need and want in our lives. but what does it mean to want someone? what does it mean to need someone?

would the satisfaction of both questions lead to a crossroad?

sometimes i take a look at the road you're walking on. it looks interesting. in fact i'd like to know more about it. your work, your friends. your past, your future, your plans and regrets. your questions, and mine. maybe even the stars can tell us a thing or two.

but... one of us is walking faster than the other. as if his past were right behind him waiting, running -- even if tired and panting -- to catch up.

i might be willing to admit that yes i want you. but the real question is, do i need you?

i don't think so. by needing i don't mean i seek you to complete me. far from it. in fact, i have learned that by myself i am quite fine. by needing, i mean you can take this journey along with me and validate me as a unique individual in a complementary partnership. that's how i need to need someone.

and so i don't think i need you. but if i prove myself wrong then that will have to be because you convinced me.

do lives that run parallel with each other ever meet? it depends, on whether both drivers are looking in the same direction.

cholesterol and merry times, plus a plug

The next time I am caught eating chicharong bulaklak and lechon, please spare me the throbbing pain in my neck and the drowsiness and the dried lips and the general feeling of wanting to lie down and sleeping for ten hours straight to soothe my blood vessels.  Just kill me.

 

********

 

everyone in the office is bitching about how the longevity pay, sent out pro-rata, didn't actually last long.  fuck.

 

 

********

shameless plug for some friends:

 

The  Asian Federation Against Involuntary   Disappearances (AFAD)

in cooperation with  HIVOS , the Netherlands

August 30, 2005 , Film Center , UP Diliman , Quezon City

 

presents 

 

Seeking

 

Gary  Granada Noel  Cabangon Bayang  Barrios Cookie  Chua  

Cynthia Alexander Susan Fernandez SAD Theater  Group

 

Free  Admission .

 

 

********

 

everyone's winding down at the office after last night's passable, upper-40s and middle aged-dominated, birthday bash for the boss. spent the first hour or so of the party worrying and smoking wondering whether media friends would show up.  was on the phone texting follow up until my thumbs were almost sore and the batt went dead.  asked the nice waiters at conspi for a cup of beer and sat down and ate a plate full of peaches, the theme for the night.  moved over to the table where philip, mike and wendell were sitting and chika'ed the rest of the nght away until some other media people joined us, notably, alecks from pcij.  i just hope the lovely iris and her crew (c/o the adorable pia a.) didn't leave thinking the time was wasted after the 'special guest' didn't show up. ugh.  embarrasing.

 

tipsy by midnight.  media people cleared out, and a tipsy boss was making kulit  even philip from PDI. but by 2 am i, together with lori and nando were the only 20-somethings in the crowd. other personalities, like behn cervantes, alex padilla, bobby malay and mike tan had left by then. i had to be subjected to raffy's drunk (and atrocious) rendition of moon river. took that as my cue to leave.  went home with a migraine from all the worrying earlier and the half-glass of fundador (lech) that i had.  and the kilos of sinfully delightful lechon we had been snacking on since 4pm when the session started.  umph.

 

cutie sightings?  well, there was this tolerably pleasant singing dentist but otherwise, uhmmmm..

 

c3

i'm laughing my freaking rear off over today's horoscope in the philippine star. actually, with jupiter in cancer, i have a whole stack of these horoscopes by holiday mathis on the upper right drawer of my desk. they're taking precious space away from my more imporant memos and journals and committee hearing papers. teee-heee-hee.

anyway here's the reading:

LIBRA (Sept.23-Oct.23). Small indulgences add up over time, and you find yourself asking how something as simple as a cup of coffee can become a major expense. Make these treats truly special by associating them with an accomplishment.

i know what nina would say. "i told you so!" but really, i made up my mind last tuesday, while talking with eileen (unfortunately, over coffee, at starbucks near her office -- okay, okay -- and then later on at coffee bean). i told her that i am withdrawing from the habit as soon as i get that not-so-cute backpack from starbucks.

last week, i reckon i must have blown off a thousand bucks in the span of five days over light blended fraps, hot chocolate, ice blends, quiches, bavarian donuts and eclairs. and count the cab fare on top of that and it becomes no small wonder why i am so fucking broke.

the people at starbucks gateway and katips, (and last tuesday, even at morato) are now all familiar with me. the baristas at coffee bean gateway have given me four pink cards, for every time i forget to bring the old one. the baristas at gloria jeans araneta center are on a first-name basis with me (actually, even the girls at gateway. that's right. the GURRRLS! grr.)

but soon i will have to say goodbye to all this. this lifestyle is unsustainable, unless i finally break the 35k figure, and if the income were predictable and easily allocatable.

if i can't kick the coffee and get my finances in order then how the hell am i getting through law school by next year (assuming!)?

and so i get to think about c3. the coffee is cheap. the environment is so conducive and quiet. and it's my place. it's my own 'clean, well-lighted place'. okay maybe someitmes i bitch about the clogged drainage at trellis which is right beside it, but the staff at c3 are actually good friends of mine.

c3. coffee, cakes and crepes. it's my first and only coffee place. good memories, bad memories. it's that sort of place. not the usual place for oggling cute guys, because quite frankly i don't care much for stolen glances and finding meaning in crowded places. it just gets a bit tiring after a while. and there's not much of that in c3.

so i began going there less frequently. and when i got to think about some certain memories, that drive was even intensified.

at first it was fun to hang out at other coffee shops. lotsa cute guys, i have to admit. but with all the flirting and showing off in all these branded coffee shops, i began to think what kind of a customer i was. where is my loyalty? there were even times when me and my friends would leave c3 to go off to starbucks or coffee bean instead. (admit it, marnie, eileen and tune!) tsk, tsk.

but with all these nice baristas and the usual 20 peso tips i often leave their boxes, i can't say i can just forget about them. so maybe my horoscope is right. make those moments count when i am at starbucks or coffee bean or SBC or gloria jeans, or heck, even figaro.

so if my horoscope sounds more like an advice than a forecast, maybe it only means i should go back to where i really feel like i am myself, and not some boy-starved bloodhound on the prowl.

shame on me. coffee shops aren't places where one finds love. they're there to keep one awake with caffeine and chit-chat. and that's it.

if i had a million dollars

well, there goes the plan i was cooking up for a climb this weekend.  life threw me another mountain to climb over, in a manner of speaking.

 

elsewhere, the stars aren't helping either:

 

Organizing and planning *

On this day you will turn your attention to your duties and responsibilities, to those tasks that you may not want to do but feel that you must in order to fulfill your obligations to others. These duties may be more imagined than real, but unfortunately they are often real. One element of the mastery of life is to be able to tell which are real and which are not. This influence is excellent for all kinds of organizing and planning. You are very concerned with form and order and want to incorporate it into your life as much as possible. This tendency may extend to organizing the people around you as well as ordering the material aspects of your life. You should be careful not to restrict other people unnecessarily.

 

Transit selected for today:
Sun Conjunction Saturn exact at 19:43
activity period from 17 August 2005 to 19 August 2005.

 

and all of a sudden my wednesday grows longer than i want it to.  maybe i'll have fun later at the party for the boss.  strike that out -- i AM going to have fun later. :)

 

 

i wanna shoot this whole day down

" They're writing songs of love - but not for me
A lucky star's above - but not for me
With love to lead the way I've found more clouds of gray
Than any russian play - could guarantee

I was a fool to fall - and get that way
Hi ho, alas! And also lackaday!

Although I can't dismiss
The memory of his kiss
I guess he's not for me ."

 

- Ella Fitzgerald

 

SMART, take 2

last thursday i accidentally sent 200 pesos worth of load to my cousin's old number which she is apparently not using anymore.  naturally, i set aside about 5 minutes of my time logging on to smart's website for this to ask, simply, where the hell my money has gone in case of erroneous loadings like this.  i had not been satisfied with an earlier reply i got regarding those text scams spreading around, but this time, i did not even get any substantial reply at all.

 

the reply i got was, in fact, infuriating:

----- Original Message -----
From: <customercare@smart.com.ph>
To: <my email which you need not know>
Sent: Friday, August 12, 2005 2:44 PM
Subject: RE: Feedback Reference No. 000024480

 

Dear Mr. Peregrine,

 

We are pleased to receive e-mail from you again.

 

Please be advised that Pasaload and Smarload denominations have their own respective validity period.  Each denomination must be consumed within that period otherwise the amount would be forfeited and turn to zero.  For your reference, we have listed below the different load validity period of Smartload and Pasaload:

 

DENOMINATION LOAD VALIDITY PERIOD
All Pasaload denominations 24 hours upon transfer
Smartload P30.00 3 days upon reload
Smartload P60.00 6 days upon reload
Smartload P115.00 12days upon reload
Smartload P200.00 30 days upon reload

 

We hope this helped.  Should you have other concerns, feel free to e-mail us again.

 

Sincerely,
Customer Care
/ood

 

Ref No.: 24480
Name: the peregrine
Age: tse!
Gender: M
Reply To:
Mobile No.:
Specific on: Inquiry
Customer Feedback: wud lyk 2 ask if eload/pasaload s given to sim number not used anymore where does load go? tnx.

 

__________________________________________________
This communication is intended solely for the use of the addressee and authorized recipients.  It may contain confidential or legally privileged information and is subject to the conditions in http://www.smart.com.ph/disclaimer.

 

 

******************

 

to which i could only reply:

 

"what i meant to ask was if i sent eload or pasaload to a mobile number that is not used anymore, where does the load go?

 

SMART is earning from this, so don't they have any mechanism in place against these errors?  i mean i could let it pass if your management would pass me on to NTC for all those text scams passing around, but what about the good money i spend on SMART's services, i think i should get quality service for that.  i think your management should know that your hard-working customer sales reps should have more explanation readily available to inquiries such as mine other than things i already know. thanks."

argh! if mon isberto shows up for my boss' birthday bash he is going to hear about this!

 

 

do not cross this line, fucker

nothing bugs me more than when someone violates my space as if my intense desire for privacy, for my territory is just some ego-induced expedience. imagine how pissed i am, for example, when jeepney seatmates insist on sitting sideways or spreading their fucking legs so wide so as to make other people (thin-legged anorexics like me, e.g.) uncomfortable.

and imagine how pissed i am when someone goes through my lockers, or my filing cabinet, or as in a very recent incident -- my bag -- without even asking for my permission.

it's my space. damn it. just like this blog is my territory and what i say in it is my business and mine alone. and i don't give a fig about whatever whoever says about it.

so imagine how pissed i am to see my bag out of place and contents therein looking like an unfamiliar hand had been pawing through them. and the person doesn't even have the decency to give back what was taken.

small things like this is what gets to me. while minor, they tell you a lot aout a certain person's character, or lack of it. this is what i describe as kagaspangan ng pag-uugali which doesn't belong in a civilized society. fucker.

now i'm pissed. and in this frame of mind i have no idea how i am going to draft my response to that frigging inquirer editorial.

spread the love around

it's the underlying principle behind my excitement over our idea to put up our own speed-dating service, marnie and i.  instead of wallowing in the bleakness of our own lovelives, why not try to channel that energy into something positive?  if it is not working for us, then why not try to help others get their own lovelives kicking off? 

 

but when government came up with its own speed-dating gimik, i was a bit disappointed that someone else had beaten me to the idea. 

 

but the principle is still there.  and if forces of nature allow for it, then maybe tonight i'll get a glimpse of whether i have what it takes to play cupid for someone else.  *fingers crossed*

 

 

**********

 

on mtv this morning they were doing a short blurb on bands with weird names.  the list included two bands which have since gone into oblivion land, but whose music i used to love so much.  toad the wet sprocket and hootie and the blowfish may be so 90s, but their music helped mold the decade in which i moved from 12 to 13 and onto 20 and back to 13 again.

 

in particular i remember TTWS's last album, 'coil' and this song, 'throw it all away' which i love so much but seem to have forgotten about with the advent of vertical horizon, lifehouse, 3 doors down and the calling (yuck).

 

" Take the dreams that should've died
The ones that kept you lying awake
When you should've been all right
And throw 'em all away "

 

ares is exhausted from all the downloading i'm doing now. i swear my pc is on hte verge of a collapse.

 

**********

 

how can you not love this man and his music?

 

"I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that?s not the shape of my heart..."

 

the shape of my heart right now is a boondock. if plans pan out, i will be climbing my first peak by the 20th.

 

**********

 

get back to work, you jerk.  alam mo vince, minsan talaga, mga linya mo bulok.

 

 

f*R*i*E*n*D*s

"I'm lost to those I thought were friends, to everyone I know .
Oh they turned their heads embarassed, pretend that they don't see.
But it's one missed step, you'll slip before you know it.
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed..."

- Fallen, Sarah McLachlan

 

What is it they say about never letting the sun set on an argument?  I must have gone through a thousand moonrise with a heavy heart.  Back in high school, i used to hang out with some friends whom I would lose before we even graduated.  I don't know why.  Maybe it was just because even at an early age I was already cranky and difficult to handle.

 

In college, I hung around with a couple of cliques, both lost to me now, except for the occasional messages in friendster, or sms, or ym or whereever.  There was the small group I used to have with Clare, Jacq, Rhoda, etc.  and the UJP friends I had including Weng, Ayeen, Shiela, etc.  All of them now have six or seven years of their lives totally lost on me. 

 

Then there was the collective to which I devoted about three years of my college life which turned its back on me at the slightest hint of doubt, a rejection underlined by what i would later discern to be homophobia.  Thinking about those people inspires a deep hatred because of the total denial that I even exist as a person.  ("Excuse me, do I know you?")

 

Then there were the people from the Collegian which gave me a new chance at friendships.  But with politics in the way, that group would also soon disperse and lose contact.  And if all those times taught me one thing, is to never let politics get in the way of a friendship -- which is maybe why I have so much respect for people like Ederic, for example.

 

Thankfully, I have recovered some of those friendships.  Sadly, some are irretrievably lost.  Some I don't even want to bother with anymore. 

 

After college, I would encounter new people and cultivate an entirely new set of friends.  It is this set of friends I would be fortunate enough to have around at a time when I was still trying to look for my spot under the sun, or the time when I would be making my way out of the closet, everytime my lovelife was D.O.A., and now, on the eve of a major life decision I am becoming more and more willing to make.

 

I guess I'm just trying to say that after all these years, I just want to say how sorry I am that I have been an irresponsible friend in the past.  That I miss Clare and Jacq, and Weng and Ayeen and the old Kule gang.  I didn't even notice some of those people slip away from me.  Some separations have been preceded by tumult and angry words, some with really vindictive actions.  While I do not regret ever leaving the Union of Journalists of the Philippines, or the Center for Nationalist Studies, or even the Collegian, I regret leaving behind some loose ends that continue to haunt me to this day.

 

I just get to think that maybe there will come a time when words that went unsaid can finally be said.  Or when decisions that were not explained can finally be discussed. 

 

I am just thankful that for every ending, a new beginning comes to the fore.  Nina, Cess, Len, Tony, Marnie, Eileen, Marylou, the peyups people (Jodie, Charlote, Geraldsam, Ellyn, etc) -- these people are my immediate circles nowadays.  And in recent times I have been lucky to have those circles expand. People I didn't even know a month ago, a year ago, or back when I was still a student, are now making an impact on my life as a young adult.  New people making a dent in the way I relate, as well as define myself.  (And some of them even helping me out in the dating scene -- *wink, wink* Jae.)

 

To twist a familiar line from a Carpenters' song, good friends aren't hard to find.  Circumstances are just unkind.  I hope the next few years will show me that these are the friendships worth fighting for and keeping.  Old friends who pop up back into my life are always welcome, too.

 

 

a light in the dark

 

i used to look at them with much fondness.  they were rainbow-colored candles that were given to me as christmas gifts two years ago.  from my end they were laden with meaning.  was it a way to say sorry?  was it a way to say we could be friends in spite of the disappointment i went through?

 

last night however, the lights went out thrice in our neigbourhood.  i was out having coffee, and mom lit them up when she realized there were no generic candles around the house.

 

i went home to find them in a holder, melted down to a puddle of hardened wax in colors of orange and blue-green.

 

i used to look at them with fondness.  i used to wonder where he got them because i don't see them anywhere, in all the candle shops i've been to.  but for the longest time, i wasn't sure they stood for anything other than all the time i wasted on everything i associated with them: the face, the feeling, the jealousy, the hurt, the anger.

 

so maybe it really was about time they were actually put into good use.

 

Monday morning find

rainy days and mondays did not get me down, because of this new discovery. i firs saw him on MTV last Saturday night (or was it Sunday dawn), with his first release, "You're Beautiful", and made a mental note to look for his songs.  i'm also enjoying his other singles, 'goodbye my lover' and 'wisemen'.

 

 

Tears and Rain

James Blunt

 

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

 

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

 

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

 

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

 

say it isn't so (aka goodbye stranger?)

Dp& wd8d x1 %ll xt t%k&1, %pd %ll hdp& x1 1h%tt&8&d. X wdqld h%v& w%pt&d td %1k hxm my1&lf th%t dp& bq8pxpg qq&1txdp xp my mxpd, bqt X jq1t h%d td %1k hx1 hdq1&m%t& -- M8. 1l&&pxpg dp th& Wxpg -- b&c%q1& X c%p’t l&t xt h%pg dv&8 m& fd8 tdd ldpg. 1l&&pxpg dp th& Wxpg 8&plx&d. Dp& wd8d x1 %ll xt t%k&1, %pd %ll hdp& x1 1h%tt&8&d. 1xmply b&c%q1& because i said i wouldn't write about him anymore, especially given my old superstition.

6 degrees of torture

Even other people have given up on me. In the span of all the nine days that she has known me, J has brought up the names of four guys.

This would include that horrible pasta dinner date from more than a week ago (it’s that old, so I guess I should stop talking about it).

Then she mentioned ****, but I don't think there are sparks there either.

Then she brings up another guy, to which I say, ‘Pinagbabayaran ko pa ginawa ko sa kaniya five years ago, so no.’

Then today she brings up the name of this other guy who is supposedly a close friend of hers. And I say ‘That guy hates me.’

And she finally replies, “Ang hirap mo i-setup bakla.”

I am about to concede the point. But seriously, I think it just goes back to what I said in the past about the ‘meet market’ being so small here that inevitably, someone will end up setting me up with someone I already know or am familiar with. I’m getting the strange feeling that every single gay guy in the country is related to me within six degrees.

Although that would seem to contradict my moody and crabby disposition towards life, I guess deep inside I’m still a people-pleasing person, which allows me to know a lot of people, especially from the old school. Unfortunately stranger still, I’m moving within circles close to all the WRONG guys.

Worse, that also means I’m moving within a very narrow market in which I am bound to meet more and more “spark”-less characters, whether the lack of those sparks comes from me, or them or both of us.

Sigh. I guess it’s true:

Set ups are fun ways to dispose of Friday nights. Relationships, on the other hand, are “accidents waiting to happen”.

hello, stranger

j[9 grthe 4q&/

6rd #@ 0ts%b8+v38

8h% d70n4)3n1

(.

 

i will write about anyone, except him.

no violent reactions so far

cha reads my blog and tells me over YM that i should give it a go. "go, VINCE! go!", she says, and it makes me giggle.

later, i meet up over dinner at gayuma with len and cess, and they both express support. len will get me a form and give it to me next week. apparently, the exams are slated for around november.

cess, incredibly loving and supportive even tells me, "if i'm still in singapore, i can even help you with tuition," a gesture so sweet, but which i would be too proud to accept, still touched me immensely. then she jokingly adds, "we'll execute a contract..." and i say "study now pay later pala ito!" *laughter*

i even came up with a valid reason while cess and i were at sbc. "tutal, kape naman ako ng kape, e di sabayan ko na ng aral!"

and this morning, after putting down the phone with jae, i tell my mom that she is a law student and my mom brings up the issue herself: "kung itinuloy mo sana nun yun, sayang yung 700..."

"eh kasi nga hindi ako nag-graduate agad..." i tell her, and then i add, "actually iniisip ko nga..."

and mom goes "oo sige, tuloy mo, sayang blah blah blah, yadda usual mother concerns about ambitions and dignity and all that, more yadda..."

and tune YMs me in the course of this entry and she says, 'go, bakla'. wow, i think she just coined me my niche. baklang abogago na maka-kaliwa. hmm!

anyway, this will be my last entry about this plan. i'll just update again if i fail, come up with a face-saving entry about wanting to go to grad school anyway blah blah blah. i'm just scared kids nowadays are smarter. imagine me, 28 quickly saying goodbye to 27, and still undecided on what to do with my life. last time cess and i met up at market market -- as she pointed out last night -- i said i wanted to go abroad. now i want to be a lawyer. evading a point i could not win, i just said "i'll go to law school then finish and go abroad to become a starbucks barista in new york."

so i think i have to find my consistency before i plunk down a grand for the LAE. sayang yun. ilang starbucks nights din yun.



******

p.s.

I LOVE YOU EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
goodbye o., you two-timing young, virile, delicious, apron-clad, dewy-eyed ass with that spectacularly placed mole below your left eye. your hot white choco mocha was overrated anyway. i'm switching over to edward's javanilla, which i've always loved anyway.

unbound?

"Someone saved my life tonight sugar bear.
You almost had your hooks in me didn't you dear?
You nearly had me roped and tied; altar-bound, hypnotized.
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear:

'You're a butterfly, and butterflies are free to fly. Fly away, high away...' "

 

- Someone saved my life tonight, LaToya London

 

rediscovering a dream

 

on my way to an early morning meeting today, a flash of thought came to me.  it was a dream reignited, a long dormant projection i tucked away somewhere in my mind when i started working.  i began entertaining it again this morning as i thought about what i wanted to do with my life.  the thoughts just came by while i sat inside the jeepney at the end of the row.  i just got to think about a conversation last week in which i was asked where i saw myself five years from now.  at the time i was taken by surprise, because i hadn't really thought about the idea for quite some time. (incidentally, it was during that pasta dinner date, ugh.)

 

but now, a week later, it suddenly occurred to me:  didn't you use to have this dream, back when you were too young to bother with the high cost of education but old enough to know that scientific names for body parts were too dreary?  whatever happened to that dream?  didn't you use to watch LA Law religiously?  And later on, the Practice?  And yeah, didn't you pay attention to the brand of cooky lawyering they did on Ally McBeal?  Didn't you use to dream what it would be like to be a litigation lawyer, defending a client with all your passion, right or wrong?

 

i took the LAE written exam in 1998 and passed, average GPA and all.  i did a story about it for the Collegian where former Dean Merlin Magallona even encouraged me to go on with my interview, even after I told him I would probably not finish my degree by that summer.

 

i remember, i was in the Collegian office that weekend, holed up in Vinzons 401 for yet another presswork weekend.  the news broke out that the list had been put up, and i remember a colleague telling me my name was on the list.  i went to Malcolm to confirm and now i remember the pride i felt for passing.  i had applied on a whim, because back then paying the P750 fee was a tough call for me, working student that i was.  i didn't even know what kind of exam they were giving out.  i was not one of those fortunate saps who even read up on sample questions and reviewed for the exams.  i just passed my forms and then waited for the exam date.

 

in any case, passing the written exam would soon become moot, because finishing my degree would eventually take two more years.  but a part of me have always wondered what it would be like if i had gone on to do the oral part, even if i knew i wasn't graduating.  instead, on the day that my oral exam was scheduled, i was finishing my ROTC.

 

but now, after all these years, i get back to thinking what it would be like to pursue that inclination.  this morning, i finally realized, maybe i should give it one more shot.  i do believe that the workplace would be very supportive.  my mom brought up the 'lawyer dream' idea last year but i said i was to busy with work to bother pursuing it.  it would be such joy for her to see me graduate a second time, i think. 

 

and as for me, i can give an off-the-record and on-the-record reason why i would want to be a lawyer.  but i might have to do some serious thinking first just to clarify my motivation at this point.  am i just doing this because i don't have a lovelife?  am i doing this because it would raise my price in the labor market?  am i doing this just to prove i can?  am i doing this because i am sick and tired of describing myself as a writer all the time?  am i doing this because someone else wants me to?  am i doing this just so i will have another reason to stay in the country?  or am i doing this because a part of me really wants to?

 

malcolm, help me out.  when is the deadline for your forms?

 

please, please, please let me get what i want

"baby is it sweet, sweet, sweet, the sting?

can it heal where others before have failed?

if so then somebody shake, shake, shake me sane."

- sweet the sting, tori amos

 

 

*****

tori's on his mind and in his lips right now.  because she's right.  there's no reason to fear the end of that scorpion's tail.  it could be dark, macabre, as things unknown always appear from the safe distance he keeps out of h-e-s-i-t-a-n-c-e.

 

thus he resolves to look at this second-hand emotion as if it were all around him, and all over him.  he decides to feel, act, live as if he were complete by and with just himself.  to enjoy the moments when he can be with himself, to let the silence define his every part, even the ones that ache.

 

let the walls come down, and a thousand faces parade in his mind.  he is ready.  let it sting.  he has a choice to either hurt or revel.

 

*****

 

we took off on the wrong foot.  *** ** ** **** *****? ** pffftthhh! ************** evil throughts unfit for publication ***************** even more evil thoughts **************** *stop giggle*  * **** ***, *** ******* ****** *** ***** **** ***** * ***** ** ** ****.  ** ** ***** * ***** ****'* **** *** **.  PERIOD.

 

*****

 

how is it to sleep with butterflies?  i guess you have to be tender and very nurturing, open-hearted and sensitive.  butterflies are so delicate. one wrong move, like, say, a heavy hand or a wrong turn and you could end up crushing them. 

 

*****

 

so this is how it is to be under tori's spell.  all sense out the window, coherent blog entries impossible.  possibilities entertaining but terrifying.  only the craving for coffee insists, a categorical desire, a rather expensive therapy.

 

my lovelist

my horoscope in the philippine star yesterday says i should demand nothing more than real, big, true love.  and why not?  i deserve nothing less.  which gets me to think about how he would eventually be like.  and he will look something like this:  he --

 

1.    must be extremely comfortable with long periods of silence.

 

2.    must accept that if it's my house, it's my domain.  my rules apply. in everything.

 

3.    must be up for some sleepless nights.

 

4.    must know how to draw me out of myself.

 

5.    must have a wide-ranging repertoire of tunes in his head.

 

6.    must be sensitive to my moods.  like, i have a dozen of them in the span of an hour, so beware.

 

7.    must accept who i am, no questions asked. 

 

8.    must know how to compromise.  a life with me is a life full of meetings half-way.  and some fights.

 

9.    must not assume to solve my problems for me, but with me.

 

10.    must be smart.

 

11.    must be into a bit of sports.

 

12.    must be able to cope with my hands all over him all the time.

 

13.    must read books.

 

14.    must be patient enough to take me in his stride while the walls come down, slowly, but surely.

 

15.    must know how to say i love you in words other than i love you.

 

16.    must not look at other boys.

 

17.    must be willing to tell me his innermost thoughts even if it means it would hurt me.

 

18.    must love the beach.

 

19.    must be accepting of my interest in some cooky stuff, like horoscopes.

 

20.    must be involved in some humanitarian activity, even if just planting trees.

 

21.    must meet my standards of cuteness.

 

must or might.  i'm adaptable.  as alanis sings in 21 things, (and obviously from which this idea was ripped off) i'm in no rush.  it's just a wish list.  the reality of human relationships is far too complex to enumerate in 21 items i desire.  but if i'm to get what i deserve, then i should first learn what i want.

 

i guess if these are the things i want, then i must be honest.  i've been in love a couple of times.  but real, big, true love?  that's a different matter altogether.  when i find it, i'm chalking it up  to #22:  must be in it for the long haul.  because when i fall in love, it will be forever.  or not at all.

 

or am i just setting myself up for what could probably be the biggest let down of my life?

 

 

images of a political crisis

got this in my inbox yesterday. okay, okay, it's not ha-ha funny, but it's amusing. a welcome respite from all the toxicity coming from this mess.



and yesterday, youth activists picketed the workplace. i think the message is pretty obvious, in light of the con-ass proposal, right?


i have to admit i like the flags that are green, blue and deep red. i feel so comfortable seeing these people. if those flags said 'pmap' or 'bayan muna' (separately, or nowadays, often together, should i say) i have to admit i would be a little bit queasy.


i need a vacation. or maybe sex. or maybe both.
hehehe.

oh brother, where art thou?

in a world of 6 billion souls, aren't families supposed to give you succor in troubled times?  blood of our blood, lives within our own lives.  in a world of strangers, family provides us with the names, the souls that form our immediate walls against the hazzards of the world outside.

 

not for everyone.  in my case, i would rather have some other dead people i know live again in exchange for three of my older brothers.  there. i've said it.  these brothers, and their families can all go to hell for all i care. i will dance and spit at their graves.

 

people often have this impression that i'm an only child.  i don't know why.  maybe i do give out an 'only child' vibe or something.  because the truth is, i've never really felt like i had any brother.

 

again, i state my case briefly.  they can all die, and i doubt if i'd feel anything at all.

 

Chiron

Finally it's here.