why is the peregrine yawning in front of his boss?
Because of this book, that's why. Stayed up till 3 this morning running through chapter 23. It's fucking hilarious.
5.31.2005
Because of this book, that's why. Stayed up till 3 this morning running through chapter 23. It's fucking hilarious.
5.30.2005
daydream #3
i'm a single dad, raising twin daughters i shall name vanessa and veronica. yeah, i'm kinda vain that way. they are lovely creatures, with locks so curly people mistake them for dolls. my girls are beautiful, of course, and they are very genteel and well-mannered. but the dark side is that they're spoiled silly by their dad who can't screw up the guts to be strict. i'm a very doting daddy, and i am obssessed about giving my daughters the stuff i never had when i was growing up, like a pre-need plan, for instance.
my kids are off all that junk from fastfood chains, and when they're being nasty as little girls can be sometimes, daddy has one particular line to tell them: "honey, don't be such a bitch and do as daddy says, ok?" of course they are too tender to hear such filth come out of their daddy's mouth at their age, which is three.
and of course take-home boys are out of the equation eversince (i adopted them/their surrogate mom gave them over to me). but it's okay. i got out of a really, really bad relationship when they were about a year old and i am fine with devoting my whole time and attention to them anyway.
and yeah, having daughters necessitate that i get my own car. there is absolutely no fucking way i am tagging them along on commute. i am NOT getting my precious daughters on a jeepney or a bus, thank you very much. i am getting a third baby, and that's a car i shall call toby.
the only problem is, where the fuck am i getting the money for all of this?
my kids are off all that junk from fastfood chains, and when they're being nasty as little girls can be sometimes, daddy has one particular line to tell them: "honey, don't be such a bitch and do as daddy says, ok?" of course they are too tender to hear such filth come out of their daddy's mouth at their age, which is three.
and of course take-home boys are out of the equation eversince (i adopted them/their surrogate mom gave them over to me). but it's okay. i got out of a really, really bad relationship when they were about a year old and i am fine with devoting my whole time and attention to them anyway.
and yeah, having daughters necessitate that i get my own car. there is absolutely no fucking way i am tagging them along on commute. i am NOT getting my precious daughters on a jeepney or a bus, thank you very much. i am getting a third baby, and that's a car i shall call toby.
the only problem is, where the fuck am i getting the money for all of this?
5.29.2005
daydream #2
laglag ang brief ko kay cong. ******. can i just say that? i'm at a wake last week and all i could think of was how smooth and flawless his skin is. it doesn't help of course that earlier in the day i had seen him during the committee hearing of the justice committee. all that technical stuff the telcos were talking about were just plain boring so i just focused my thoughts on him, who was sitting right in front of me.
can i just say that again? laglag ang brief ko kay cong. ******. *sigh* in my daydream i see him leaving his wife for me, it will make the headlines because he comes out proclaiming he will quit his post just so he could be with me, the man he loves. and he'll seek an annulment. and we'll get married in sf and we'll honeymoon in europe. he's paying, of course, because he is absolutely crazy in love with me. *giggle*
the only problem is that he's probably using coconut levy money for the honeymoon, in which case i would probably be purged from my political party. ahh, love. *giggle*
can i just say that again? laglag ang brief ko kay cong. ******. *sigh* in my daydream i see him leaving his wife for me, it will make the headlines because he comes out proclaiming he will quit his post just so he could be with me, the man he loves. and he'll seek an annulment. and we'll get married in sf and we'll honeymoon in europe. he's paying, of course, because he is absolutely crazy in love with me. *giggle*
the only problem is that he's probably using coconut levy money for the honeymoon, in which case i would probably be purged from my political party. ahh, love. *giggle*
daydream #1
i keep hanging on for dear life for several weeks yet manage to stay in the competition at american idol. i get to the top three and the song randy picks for me is 'something about the way you look tonight' while clive davis picks 'solitaire', and i pick whitney houston's 'on my own' because i have a stange feeling i am going next. and then we get to the results night and ryan seacrest announces that yep, i am going home. but not before he asks the judges to say something about the three finalists and simon says "you deserve to win this competition, but unfortunately you won't just because america isn't ready for you yet." he is of course, referring to my previous week's rendition of "you don't know me" in which i was obviously singing about a boy. boo-hoo! drama!!! and then i get to sing my farewell song and i pick "on my own" and the crowd is in tears because they love me, they really love me...
the only problem is, i'm turning 28 this year, and i am not an american citizen. which is precisely why this is a daydream. *giggle*
the only problem is, i'm turning 28 this year, and i am not an american citizen. which is precisely why this is a daydream. *giggle*
5.27.2005
what remains of the day
last night i finally turned over the few remaining pages i had left unattended of kazuo ishiguro's very fine novel which, i believe went on to win the booker prize. years ago when i first encountered the novel, i had thought that the novel would be boring, what with its blurb about the perfect english butler reminiscing about his work.
quite frankly i thought it would all be about dusting off sculptures and wiping out scraps on dinner tables and how they would reflect class issues and all that. well, i was right. but the story is told so flawlessly, i was engaged from the very first page.
stevens is the epitome of a professional. he waits at the "fine gentlemen" he serves while his father laid dying on the attic room where he is billeted. he is deeply in love with ms. kenton who is the chief maidservant, but he never lets his feelings get in the way of their work, or maybe he just didn't realize he had these feelings for her up until she went off to marry someone else.
on his road trip stevens gets to reflect on all the years he spent serving lord darlington, an anti-semite, nazi sympathizer and begins to wonder whether he had indeed served a greater purpose by serving a "great gentleman". this is, to stevens' mind, the best measure of dignity. that one could carry on his work to the best of his abilities outside the hassle of human reality -- and frailty.
halfway into the book i decided i would approach my own profession in much the same way that stevens did. with dignity, by his definition. but as lord darlington's affairs came to light, and as ms. kenton's subplot unravelled, i realize stevens was only all too human, and that his restraint was admirable but his obstinate insistence on denying his emotions for what they really were, and his blind obedience to a man of dubious stance was not something i would not want to emulate.
when ms. kenton announced her plan to marry, and all stevens could say was "congratulations, ms. kenton, now if you will excuse me i have to attend to some urgent matters," or some other words to that effect, i realize i was reading into a comedy of errors, but one nonetheless more tragic because there was, at that precise moment an opportunity for stevens to lay his cards on the table, as if ms. kenton was simply waiting for his cue.
or when lord darlington commanded that two girls in stevens' staff be dimissed, on account of them being jewish, it is in line with his definition of "dignity" that stevens would carry out the command, much to ms. kenton's consternation. it was a decision lord darlingotn would come to regret, but at that exact moment stevens had the opportunity to put his foot down, in as much as he himself would later admit to ms. kenton that he felt the dismissal was unjustified.
and as the narrative climaxed, it dawned on me that stevens is not the employee to emulate. in his conversation with ms. kenton at the end of his road trip, he admits his heart broke upon hearing ms. kenton say "...what it would have been like if i had been with you instead, mr. stevens," or something like that.
when stevens went on to elucidate on the greatness of lord darlington, justifying his mistakes as those of someone who was only pure of intentions and wanted to play his role in the crafting a better world (or a brighter future for Europe), i couldn't help but wonder just how much devotion stevens was capable of, even if at one point darlingotn put him up to immeasurable embarassment at the hands of his lordship's kumpanyeros who belittled his command of international affairs and economic matters.
stevens lived in an insular, sheltered world by extension of his association. he kept his sight fixed on seeing to it that his functions were carried out, regardless of the person he was serving.
and it got me to think: how sensible is it to approach one's work with the same zeal as stevens did?
if i were to concentrate on his attention to detail, his organizational skills and his professional, no-fuss handling of ms. kenton's occassional outbursts, then i would certainly applaud stevens. as any worker bee would attest, it would be one's source of pride that he or she be able to do his or her job with nothing but perfection in mind and in execution.
but where does one draw the line between being part of a team, being a subordinate and being his own person? stevens drew the line at dignity, but he defined it along terms that would later cause him a heartache.
at the end of the novel stevens sits on a bench in westcombe, watching pier lights go on at dusk. and he gets to think about bantering -- that most rudimentary of human activities, and how it serves a purpose for his own ends. he reflects how bantering might be a good way to deliver what seems to be required of him by his new employer, a gabby american noveau riche called mr. farraday. stevens gets to think about what would be the best thing to do with the remains of his day, and it is this endeavor that he sets himself out to perform.
i myself get to think that even as i strive for the perfection of my own craft, i must recognize at least that after clocking in eight hours (mostly less) at work, and eventhough i depend on it for everything else i do with my other 16 hours of life, work is just work. yes, one is obliged to perform his work to as near perfect a maner as possible, and without delay.
but beyond the deadlines, beyond the tasks, beyond the receivables and the deliverables, one must take a broader view of his day and realize that how one lives the eight hours of his life he devotes to his work is just as important as the way in which he spends the rest of his day. at the end of the day what remains for each and everyone of us is something that does not depend on what we do within office hours.
quite frankly i thought it would all be about dusting off sculptures and wiping out scraps on dinner tables and how they would reflect class issues and all that. well, i was right. but the story is told so flawlessly, i was engaged from the very first page.
stevens is the epitome of a professional. he waits at the "fine gentlemen" he serves while his father laid dying on the attic room where he is billeted. he is deeply in love with ms. kenton who is the chief maidservant, but he never lets his feelings get in the way of their work, or maybe he just didn't realize he had these feelings for her up until she went off to marry someone else.
on his road trip stevens gets to reflect on all the years he spent serving lord darlington, an anti-semite, nazi sympathizer and begins to wonder whether he had indeed served a greater purpose by serving a "great gentleman". this is, to stevens' mind, the best measure of dignity. that one could carry on his work to the best of his abilities outside the hassle of human reality -- and frailty.
halfway into the book i decided i would approach my own profession in much the same way that stevens did. with dignity, by his definition. but as lord darlington's affairs came to light, and as ms. kenton's subplot unravelled, i realize stevens was only all too human, and that his restraint was admirable but his obstinate insistence on denying his emotions for what they really were, and his blind obedience to a man of dubious stance was not something i would not want to emulate.
when ms. kenton announced her plan to marry, and all stevens could say was "congratulations, ms. kenton, now if you will excuse me i have to attend to some urgent matters," or some other words to that effect, i realize i was reading into a comedy of errors, but one nonetheless more tragic because there was, at that precise moment an opportunity for stevens to lay his cards on the table, as if ms. kenton was simply waiting for his cue.
or when lord darlington commanded that two girls in stevens' staff be dimissed, on account of them being jewish, it is in line with his definition of "dignity" that stevens would carry out the command, much to ms. kenton's consternation. it was a decision lord darlingotn would come to regret, but at that exact moment stevens had the opportunity to put his foot down, in as much as he himself would later admit to ms. kenton that he felt the dismissal was unjustified.
and as the narrative climaxed, it dawned on me that stevens is not the employee to emulate. in his conversation with ms. kenton at the end of his road trip, he admits his heart broke upon hearing ms. kenton say "...what it would have been like if i had been with you instead, mr. stevens," or something like that.
when stevens went on to elucidate on the greatness of lord darlington, justifying his mistakes as those of someone who was only pure of intentions and wanted to play his role in the crafting a better world (or a brighter future for Europe), i couldn't help but wonder just how much devotion stevens was capable of, even if at one point darlingotn put him up to immeasurable embarassment at the hands of his lordship's kumpanyeros who belittled his command of international affairs and economic matters.
stevens lived in an insular, sheltered world by extension of his association. he kept his sight fixed on seeing to it that his functions were carried out, regardless of the person he was serving.
and it got me to think: how sensible is it to approach one's work with the same zeal as stevens did?
if i were to concentrate on his attention to detail, his organizational skills and his professional, no-fuss handling of ms. kenton's occassional outbursts, then i would certainly applaud stevens. as any worker bee would attest, it would be one's source of pride that he or she be able to do his or her job with nothing but perfection in mind and in execution.
but where does one draw the line between being part of a team, being a subordinate and being his own person? stevens drew the line at dignity, but he defined it along terms that would later cause him a heartache.
at the end of the novel stevens sits on a bench in westcombe, watching pier lights go on at dusk. and he gets to think about bantering -- that most rudimentary of human activities, and how it serves a purpose for his own ends. he reflects how bantering might be a good way to deliver what seems to be required of him by his new employer, a gabby american noveau riche called mr. farraday. stevens gets to think about what would be the best thing to do with the remains of his day, and it is this endeavor that he sets himself out to perform.
i myself get to think that even as i strive for the perfection of my own craft, i must recognize at least that after clocking in eight hours (mostly less) at work, and eventhough i depend on it for everything else i do with my other 16 hours of life, work is just work. yes, one is obliged to perform his work to as near perfect a maner as possible, and without delay.
but beyond the deadlines, beyond the tasks, beyond the receivables and the deliverables, one must take a broader view of his day and realize that how one lives the eight hours of his life he devotes to his work is just as important as the way in which he spends the rest of his day. at the end of the day what remains for each and everyone of us is something that does not depend on what we do within office hours.
5.26.2005
OPM, part 2
other people's money.
my aunt and her husband has entrusted me with the safekeep of their 'retirement fund'. it's not a lot initially, but they expect to invest more and more money into it so that by the time they retire and settle back in the country they will have a buffer fund from whcih they can withdraw, buy a house and maybe even start their own business.
now i know that's a huge responsibility, with the money all in my name, and the truth is, it is flattering to think that they trust me enough to let me handle the account.
just a funny thing happened recently however. my aunt's stepson is celebrating his birthday today, and she made arrangements with my mom to have about a few thousand pesos be made available for my cousin. (my aunt's husband, her second, has two sons from a previous marriage. both kids grew up one house away from the old sta. maria house in tondo where i grew up, so i knew them from way back.)
in any case, my mom and i agreed to facilitate the transfer of funds, and since allan, the one who's birthday is coming up today does not have his own account, it would have to be a physical transfer.
my mom, 68 and thin and all that, texted allan and told him to meet her up last tuesday at mcdonald's tandang sora, so it wouldn't be difficult for her. i agreed to such an arrangement since i did not want her to go all the way to tondo, with the summer heat still insisting at this late part of may. allan texted back, saying he didn't know the place. hogwash! when my aunt and uncle gatch went here for a vacation last january they stayed in tandang sora with both him and his brother. of course he knew where mcdonald's was!
yesterday, i arranged with my mom to do the delivery myself. i texted allan telling him to meet me up instead at burger king in welcome rotonda. i was thinking it would be best since it was halfway between manila and quezon city. (and the truth is, i simply will NOT be bothered to go to tondo myself). he didn't reply all day, although i kept texting him up to around 6 pm. by 8 pm i gave up because i had to go to frank's wake and i wanted to condole with risa.
when i got home at around 1 am last night i told mom i hadn't been able to make the transfer since allan did not reply to my messages.
this morning mom sent him another message and he didn't reply again. exasperated, my mom texted him and his brother alvin that if she does not get any reply from either one of them, she will simply go to tondo and give the money to their lola. something which both my mom and i knew they didn't want.
a reply came.
it just occurred to me how lazy my cousin is. he can't be bothered to make an effort to go to us instead, and despite our repeated requests to meet up either my mom or me somewhere, he kept ignoring our messages. i was pissed, really, because i am talking here of a guy a year older than me, but whose built is about twice my size. malakas pa sa kabayo ang damuho, at ang gusto pa niya eh ang nanay kong senior citizen ang pupunta sa kaniya para magdala ng pera.
the lazy sonofagun himself confirmed my suspicion as much when he said he'd just meet up with my mom at my aunt beth's house tomorrow.
now i don't know if this is just plain laziness on his part or what, but i have a nagging suspicion that the issue may be more than that. upon learning that i was managing their parents' fund, allan apparently asked my uncle gatch why he gave me the money instead of putting it in his name.
my uncle, whom i met only briefly last january apparently said in disgust, that he trusted me more than he trusted his own son.
which gets me all worried because there is money involved in this comment. and despite this little incident i like my cousins, and i treat them like blood. and the fact is, my uncle gatch hasn't been with his sons for more than ten years. he is making up for lost time, but when it comes to money, he wants allan specifically to get a job so he can provide for his kids. alvin, on the other hand, is paraplegic and of course is confined to the house. allan, needless to say, has a lot of burden on his hands.
i guess the difference between me and allan in the way we handle our responsibilities wasn't lost on my uncle. it's flattering to be recognized for my efforts, but i don't want to come in between a father and his sons.
from the very beginning i had expressed my hesitation to handle their money but barring any other recourse, i took it on in deference to my aunt and uncle, and all the nice shoes they keep sending me over the years (all of my nice shoes came from them!). hehe. that's facetious, i know. the truth is, i feel i owe it to them to keep the money safe and secure. any disbursements only come with their consent and their prior instructions.
maybe i can find a way to transfer the money to an account under my uncle's name, but i have no idea how to do that. but in the long term, i do hope that my cousin can get his act together. i would be more than glad to turn it over to him. i have enough trouble managing my own money, and i would certainly welcome any opportunity to help other people manage their own instead of passing it on to me.
my aunt and her husband has entrusted me with the safekeep of their 'retirement fund'. it's not a lot initially, but they expect to invest more and more money into it so that by the time they retire and settle back in the country they will have a buffer fund from whcih they can withdraw, buy a house and maybe even start their own business.
now i know that's a huge responsibility, with the money all in my name, and the truth is, it is flattering to think that they trust me enough to let me handle the account.
just a funny thing happened recently however. my aunt's stepson is celebrating his birthday today, and she made arrangements with my mom to have about a few thousand pesos be made available for my cousin. (my aunt's husband, her second, has two sons from a previous marriage. both kids grew up one house away from the old sta. maria house in tondo where i grew up, so i knew them from way back.)
in any case, my mom and i agreed to facilitate the transfer of funds, and since allan, the one who's birthday is coming up today does not have his own account, it would have to be a physical transfer.
my mom, 68 and thin and all that, texted allan and told him to meet her up last tuesday at mcdonald's tandang sora, so it wouldn't be difficult for her. i agreed to such an arrangement since i did not want her to go all the way to tondo, with the summer heat still insisting at this late part of may. allan texted back, saying he didn't know the place. hogwash! when my aunt and uncle gatch went here for a vacation last january they stayed in tandang sora with both him and his brother. of course he knew where mcdonald's was!
yesterday, i arranged with my mom to do the delivery myself. i texted allan telling him to meet me up instead at burger king in welcome rotonda. i was thinking it would be best since it was halfway between manila and quezon city. (and the truth is, i simply will NOT be bothered to go to tondo myself). he didn't reply all day, although i kept texting him up to around 6 pm. by 8 pm i gave up because i had to go to frank's wake and i wanted to condole with risa.
when i got home at around 1 am last night i told mom i hadn't been able to make the transfer since allan did not reply to my messages.
this morning mom sent him another message and he didn't reply again. exasperated, my mom texted him and his brother alvin that if she does not get any reply from either one of them, she will simply go to tondo and give the money to their lola. something which both my mom and i knew they didn't want.
a reply came.
it just occurred to me how lazy my cousin is. he can't be bothered to make an effort to go to us instead, and despite our repeated requests to meet up either my mom or me somewhere, he kept ignoring our messages. i was pissed, really, because i am talking here of a guy a year older than me, but whose built is about twice my size. malakas pa sa kabayo ang damuho, at ang gusto pa niya eh ang nanay kong senior citizen ang pupunta sa kaniya para magdala ng pera.
the lazy sonofagun himself confirmed my suspicion as much when he said he'd just meet up with my mom at my aunt beth's house tomorrow.
now i don't know if this is just plain laziness on his part or what, but i have a nagging suspicion that the issue may be more than that. upon learning that i was managing their parents' fund, allan apparently asked my uncle gatch why he gave me the money instead of putting it in his name.
my uncle, whom i met only briefly last january apparently said in disgust, that he trusted me more than he trusted his own son.
which gets me all worried because there is money involved in this comment. and despite this little incident i like my cousins, and i treat them like blood. and the fact is, my uncle gatch hasn't been with his sons for more than ten years. he is making up for lost time, but when it comes to money, he wants allan specifically to get a job so he can provide for his kids. alvin, on the other hand, is paraplegic and of course is confined to the house. allan, needless to say, has a lot of burden on his hands.
i guess the difference between me and allan in the way we handle our responsibilities wasn't lost on my uncle. it's flattering to be recognized for my efforts, but i don't want to come in between a father and his sons.
from the very beginning i had expressed my hesitation to handle their money but barring any other recourse, i took it on in deference to my aunt and uncle, and all the nice shoes they keep sending me over the years (all of my nice shoes came from them!). hehe. that's facetious, i know. the truth is, i feel i owe it to them to keep the money safe and secure. any disbursements only come with their consent and their prior instructions.
maybe i can find a way to transfer the money to an account under my uncle's name, but i have no idea how to do that. but in the long term, i do hope that my cousin can get his act together. i would be more than glad to turn it over to him. i have enough trouble managing my own money, and i would certainly welcome any opportunity to help other people manage their own instead of passing it on to me.
5.25.2005
wow, weirdo!
The Classic IQ Test
vince, your IQ score is 127
vince, your IQ score is significantly above average. Congratulations! You have a wide range of exceptional skills which are much stronger than those of the average population. You are also skilled at answering the types of questions that are asked in a classic IQ test. The test analyses your strengths and weaknesses based on your mathematical, linguistic, visual-spatial and logical skills. Even though you have high scores in all of those areas, we are able to analyse your results to discover the areas in which you have the strongest abilities.
You are equipped with a verbal arsenal that enables you to understand complex issues and communicate on a particularly high level. These talents make you a Word Warrior.
Whether or not you recognise it, your vocabulary is your strongest suit -- use it whenever you can. Since your command of words is so great, you are also a terrific communicator -- able to articulate big ideas to just about anyone. Your wordsmithing prowess will also help in artistic and creative pursuits. The power of words translates to fresh ideas off paper too. Since you have so many words at your disposal, you are in a unique position to describe things in an original way, as well as see the future in your mind's eye. In short, your strengths allow you to be a visionary -- able to extrapolate and come up with a multitude of fresh ideas.
doh! freak!
vince, your IQ score is 127
vince, your IQ score is significantly above average. Congratulations! You have a wide range of exceptional skills which are much stronger than those of the average population. You are also skilled at answering the types of questions that are asked in a classic IQ test. The test analyses your strengths and weaknesses based on your mathematical, linguistic, visual-spatial and logical skills. Even though you have high scores in all of those areas, we are able to analyse your results to discover the areas in which you have the strongest abilities.
You are equipped with a verbal arsenal that enables you to understand complex issues and communicate on a particularly high level. These talents make you a Word Warrior.
Whether or not you recognise it, your vocabulary is your strongest suit -- use it whenever you can. Since your command of words is so great, you are also a terrific communicator -- able to articulate big ideas to just about anyone. Your wordsmithing prowess will also help in artistic and creative pursuits. The power of words translates to fresh ideas off paper too. Since you have so many words at your disposal, you are in a unique position to describe things in an original way, as well as see the future in your mind's eye. In short, your strengths allow you to be a visionary -- able to extrapolate and come up with a multitude of fresh ideas.
doh! freak!
tomorrow
the stars have broad advice for what makes each sun sign sexy. for librans like me, the advice goes -- be categorical. certainty is sexy.
unfortunately i'm a double libra, and the indecision is just pompously pronounced in my character. i don't know how i'll feel about or react to something at any given time. sometimes i'll be fine with it, and sometimes i would be fuming.
i think this accounts mostly for why i can't put a period to some of the bad episodes i've had in the past. but when i do decide that it's over, and i'm sure about it, there's no going back. i did this recently and now i'm without anyone occupying my thoughts at all.
too bad i only found about avril lavigne's song yesterday while searching for stereophonics songs.
but this i know. tomorrow i will know how i feel. i will feel nothing. that's categorical but somehow i get the feeling that it isn't sexy at all. but screw it. at least it makes me know that i'm fine.
unfortunately i'm a double libra, and the indecision is just pompously pronounced in my character. i don't know how i'll feel about or react to something at any given time. sometimes i'll be fine with it, and sometimes i would be fuming.
i think this accounts mostly for why i can't put a period to some of the bad episodes i've had in the past. but when i do decide that it's over, and i'm sure about it, there's no going back. i did this recently and now i'm without anyone occupying my thoughts at all.
too bad i only found about avril lavigne's song yesterday while searching for stereophonics songs.
And I wanna believe you
When you tell me that it’ll be okay
Yeah, I try to believe you
But I don’t
When you say that it’s gonna be
It always turns out to be a different way
I try to believe you
Not today, today, today, today, today
[chorus]
I don’t know how I’ll feel
Tomorrow
Tomorrow
I don’t know what to say
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is a different day
Tomorrow
Its always been up to you
Let’s turn it around, it’s up to me
I’m gonna do what I have to do
Just don’t
Give me a little time
Leave me alone a little while
Maybe it’s not too late
Not today, today, today, today, today
Oh
but this i know. tomorrow i will know how i feel. i will feel nothing. that's categorical but somehow i get the feeling that it isn't sexy at all. but screw it. at least it makes me know that i'm fine.
5.24.2005
somewhere between then and now
turning points are all about change. that exact moment we often overlook when for better or worse, our lives take a turn from which there may be no turning back.
when we look back, we often think of them as lifeposts, life-defining moments that take us into the unknown.
what were the lifeposts of my existence?
well, c3, late 2003 was one of them. in front of colleagues i admitted i'm gay and from then on the disclosure was just unstoppable. a few years back i had made the same move with collegian people, but that was a more contained and calculated move. i wasn't ready then. in 2003, i was.
since then i've been on dates, i've been set up with so many guys, i've gone out with some, and have had some terrible luck with a lot of them, but i'm fine this way. but what about this lifepost? why think about it now?
well, i just get to thinking what it would be like had i not come out back then. i would still be in the closet now, and goodness knows how i would be able to deal with all the pressures i deal with on a daily basis if i had a part of me that i had to keep to myself.
but somewhere between then and now, i found my own place under the sun, eventhough sometimes i gripe and bitch about it. but this is a nice place to be in within this lifetime. it's a process, actually. the homefront is still uncharted territory, and i'm still screwing up the guts to take that on.
but i think being out there creates an atmosphere of courage to take on the world along terms that i know are mine and mine alone. specificlaly, i know that i don't have to hide anymore with friends and comrades.
strangers are aware from the onset who i am and what i stand for, thereby eliminating the need for lengthy explanations and more and more disclosures. i can only remember how i came out to friends like or ellyn, or jodie or charlotte, and i'm suddenly thankful that from 2003 onwards i never had to do any explaining to newfound friends.
incidentally last night was also the first time i had seen ellyn and jodie and charlotte since i came out (yes, in the past two years, i haven't seen them). and nothing has changed. we still had fun, with wkt back in town for a two-month vacation, our YM gang just had to meet up.
so while we were hitting the unfamiliar streets of makati late into the night yesterday, i just got to thinking how much better i am now than i was when i was still a closeted guy a few years back when i was still an omnipresent poster at peyups.com.
yes, somewhere between then and now i took a turn. and it's turning out good somehow. the homecourt battle will commence soon enough.
[*and while i'm on it, let me just say, welcome home, jodie. may you stay for good soon. mwah!]
when we look back, we often think of them as lifeposts, life-defining moments that take us into the unknown.
what were the lifeposts of my existence?
well, c3, late 2003 was one of them. in front of colleagues i admitted i'm gay and from then on the disclosure was just unstoppable. a few years back i had made the same move with collegian people, but that was a more contained and calculated move. i wasn't ready then. in 2003, i was.
since then i've been on dates, i've been set up with so many guys, i've gone out with some, and have had some terrible luck with a lot of them, but i'm fine this way. but what about this lifepost? why think about it now?
well, i just get to thinking what it would be like had i not come out back then. i would still be in the closet now, and goodness knows how i would be able to deal with all the pressures i deal with on a daily basis if i had a part of me that i had to keep to myself.
but somewhere between then and now, i found my own place under the sun, eventhough sometimes i gripe and bitch about it. but this is a nice place to be in within this lifetime. it's a process, actually. the homefront is still uncharted territory, and i'm still screwing up the guts to take that on.
but i think being out there creates an atmosphere of courage to take on the world along terms that i know are mine and mine alone. specificlaly, i know that i don't have to hide anymore with friends and comrades.
strangers are aware from the onset who i am and what i stand for, thereby eliminating the need for lengthy explanations and more and more disclosures. i can only remember how i came out to friends like or ellyn, or jodie or charlotte, and i'm suddenly thankful that from 2003 onwards i never had to do any explaining to newfound friends.
incidentally last night was also the first time i had seen ellyn and jodie and charlotte since i came out (yes, in the past two years, i haven't seen them). and nothing has changed. we still had fun, with wkt back in town for a two-month vacation, our YM gang just had to meet up.
so while we were hitting the unfamiliar streets of makati late into the night yesterday, i just got to thinking how much better i am now than i was when i was still a closeted guy a few years back when i was still an omnipresent poster at peyups.com.
yes, somewhere between then and now i took a turn. and it's turning out good somehow. the homecourt battle will commence soon enough.
[*and while i'm on it, let me just say, welcome home, jodie. may you stay for good soon. mwah!]
OPM
other people's music.
one benefit of blog-hopping is that i get a chance to look into other people's musical tastes when i find them reminiscing about any particular song that remind them of something or someone.
in this particular instance, the singer is john legend. the song is a nice ballad entitled 'ordinary people'. and oh boy, is it shooting way up on my own private billboards hot 100.
but i realize that even if songs are as public as can be, whatever personal significance they may hold for each and everyone of us is a deeply unique and personal thing. what the words of one song inspires in one person cannot be expected to inspire the same in another. much less can we compare the places where those reactions come from.
so why is this particular song inspiring a response in me?
well, the words speak to me not in the name of some distant memory but more to how i see myself at the moment:
and it's true. i'm just an ordinary boy. an ordinary human being who asked another ordinary boy to love him back. maybe because i didn't know which way to go, that i would find myself in the thick of a feeling that gets too much to bear sometimes. a feeling that makes me sick at times.
but now, it makes sense. i'm just an ordinary boy. with ordinary feelings. trying to live a more than ordinary life. and in the rush to live that life, i find that maybe the irony lies in taking it slow.
be still, my beating heart. don't jump ahead of yourself.
that's how john legend's song comes to me. i'm just an ordinary person. maybe it's time to take it slow.
that is, until i come across some other person's music and am convinced i should take on a different tack.
one benefit of blog-hopping is that i get a chance to look into other people's musical tastes when i find them reminiscing about any particular song that remind them of something or someone.
in this particular instance, the singer is john legend. the song is a nice ballad entitled 'ordinary people'. and oh boy, is it shooting way up on my own private billboards hot 100.
but i realize that even if songs are as public as can be, whatever personal significance they may hold for each and everyone of us is a deeply unique and personal thing. what the words of one song inspires in one person cannot be expected to inspire the same in another. much less can we compare the places where those reactions come from.
so why is this particular song inspiring a response in me?
well, the words speak to me not in the name of some distant memory but more to how i see myself at the moment:
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
'Cause we're just ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
and it's true. i'm just an ordinary boy. an ordinary human being who asked another ordinary boy to love him back. maybe because i didn't know which way to go, that i would find myself in the thick of a feeling that gets too much to bear sometimes. a feeling that makes me sick at times.
but now, it makes sense. i'm just an ordinary boy. with ordinary feelings. trying to live a more than ordinary life. and in the rush to live that life, i find that maybe the irony lies in taking it slow.
be still, my beating heart. don't jump ahead of yourself.
that's how john legend's song comes to me. i'm just an ordinary person. maybe it's time to take it slow.
that is, until i come across some other person's music and am convinced i should take on a different tack.
5.23.2005
the inner child
who cares if we're sweaty and exhausted, screaming and running aorund like kids out of school at 4 pm? marnie and i went riding bump cars and shooting pellets from air rifles last night at the (ehem) renovated fiesta carnival now outdoors in front of sm cubao and beside gateway mall.
i need more of this. moments when deadlines and pressures and even personal problems are cast away for a few moments just so i could enjoy life, or what passes for it.
it helps that we were put in the right mood a few hours earlier listening to cookie chua crooning 'the nearness of you' at the patio of cafe adriatico in gateway.
it was a nice nightcap for an otherwise harangued and toxic week.
if my date with jodie pans out tonight, we might just do it again. wuhoo!
i need more of this. moments when deadlines and pressures and even personal problems are cast away for a few moments just so i could enjoy life, or what passes for it.
it helps that we were put in the right mood a few hours earlier listening to cookie chua crooning 'the nearness of you' at the patio of cafe adriatico in gateway.
it was a nice nightcap for an otherwise harangued and toxic week.
if my date with jodie pans out tonight, we might just do it again. wuhoo!
5.22.2005
10 going on 29
i am drawing up a list of things i want to achieve before my 29th birthday. well, i could go ahead and say before my 28th, but that's less than six months away, so i don't want to be THAT ambitious.
1. climb a mountain.
literally. and not in a julie andrews way. i mean go on that freaking trip tune and i have always been talking about. dare the outdoors, brave mother nature's challenge. and if the mountaineer guide is cute, who knows. sex in the forests? *nod my head like a crazed hormonal teenager and drool*
2. quit smoking.
mom was bugging me yesterday. friends are chiding me. i had drawn up a timetable (again) yesterday, and i think this one is more realistic than my previous may 1 deadline. so for the whole of june i will be bringing down my consumption to about half a pack a day, and on july i will cut it further down into 6, 4, and then to only two sticks a day and then just 1 stick a day for one week before totally quitting on august 1. here we go again!
3. go vegan.
corey wills is such an inspiration. that's the body i want. it's not ripped, but damn it. it's GOOD. well, no doubt working out is a part of it aside from going all green, but i read about this hullabaloo over KFC's chicken in Business World the other day and it just grossed me out. poor chickens! i really want to go vegan. i consider it doing my part in helping animals. but i will have to draw the line at rats. i am not taking chickens home so i could prevent acts of cruelty against them. i will just, as a responsible consumer, stop eating them. oh wait, aren't vegans allowed to eat chicken? ok, so maybe i should start with the basics, like research. because i'm not exactly ready to strike out milk from my diet either.
4. watch more plays and musicals.
for the past few months i have been pouring over Business World's weekenders and have made a promise to myself to expose myself to more culture. a way to refine my jolog side, i say. be a bit more cultured. stop being so balahura sometimes.
5. learn a foreign language
hmm. what better way to practice than to do exercises with a foreign tongue? well, barring the presence of spaniards and frenchmen in my life i think i'll just go ahead and sign up for chinese. that's where all the moolah is. 20% of the world's population speak it, and it's the single biggest economy in the world after the US. hu jintao dropped by for a visit and delivered a speech at the office, and i had a nagging suspicion what he was really saying was "here's a toast to the Chinese annexation of the Philippines in ten years!" and all the idiots at the gallery were cheering him on not knowing what the hell he was talking about. they were just clapping everytime a cue card was raised in front of them with the word "applause" written on it.
6. be less judgmental.
uhm, this isn't really a life goal as much as it is a reminder to myself.
7. go back to the gym.
the stars say jupiter's presence in my sun sign this year brings with it a series of fortunate events (like, duh, where are they?), but being the planet of expansion, jupiter can also bring about a most physical interpretation to this and mean that i will get fat again. well, i did notice the love handles attempting to stage a comeback last week, so i went on a discreet, but effective diet. i'm fine now, they're under control *pinch side of belly*. but the flat abs are still a dream, and so are all the kinky acts i associate with having them.
8. get on track to financial independence.
well, i am independent. the truth is, i am depended on. but by this i mean i have to start getting my financial act in order. no more debt, no more obligations, no more paybacks to be made. but in a year and a half? ha! such is the bane of the middle class intellectual.
9. travel.
connected to no. 8, this would be the best measure that i have achieved self-sufficiency in my finances. my first endeavor would be either thailand or singapore. but sodomy's a no-no in singapore, so thailand it is. unless my mom tags along. most probably. basta, travel. kebs kung baguio lang yan. basta.
10. find someone worthy and then go after him until he gives in.
the next time i fall in love, this is going to be my strategy. yeah, yeah, i've said goodbye to love, and all that. but i have a proven track record in going against my word when it comes to love. so next time, it will be all about the 21 things i deserve in a lover (apologies, alanis). and as she sings, 'i'm in no hurry i could wait forever, i'm in no rush 'coz i like being solo, in the meantime i'll live like there's no tomorrow.' i have a candidate, but well.. i'm not jumping ahead of myself.
and that's what this list is all about, i guess. it's all about giving flesh to what i said was me 'finding empowerment in my solitude'. damn it. i'm young, i'm beautiful, my life feels like a soap sometimes, but hey, quoting jessie is the way to go about it. drawing this list up means i'm taking on this trip and if someone comes along to share the journey then yay. if not, then boo-hoo and so what.
1. climb a mountain.
literally. and not in a julie andrews way. i mean go on that freaking trip tune and i have always been talking about. dare the outdoors, brave mother nature's challenge. and if the mountaineer guide is cute, who knows. sex in the forests? *nod my head like a crazed hormonal teenager and drool*
2. quit smoking.
mom was bugging me yesterday. friends are chiding me. i had drawn up a timetable (again) yesterday, and i think this one is more realistic than my previous may 1 deadline. so for the whole of june i will be bringing down my consumption to about half a pack a day, and on july i will cut it further down into 6, 4, and then to only two sticks a day and then just 1 stick a day for one week before totally quitting on august 1. here we go again!
3. go vegan.
corey wills is such an inspiration. that's the body i want. it's not ripped, but damn it. it's GOOD. well, no doubt working out is a part of it aside from going all green, but i read about this hullabaloo over KFC's chicken in Business World the other day and it just grossed me out. poor chickens! i really want to go vegan. i consider it doing my part in helping animals. but i will have to draw the line at rats. i am not taking chickens home so i could prevent acts of cruelty against them. i will just, as a responsible consumer, stop eating them. oh wait, aren't vegans allowed to eat chicken? ok, so maybe i should start with the basics, like research. because i'm not exactly ready to strike out milk from my diet either.
4. watch more plays and musicals.
for the past few months i have been pouring over Business World's weekenders and have made a promise to myself to expose myself to more culture. a way to refine my jolog side, i say. be a bit more cultured. stop being so balahura sometimes.
5. learn a foreign language
hmm. what better way to practice than to do exercises with a foreign tongue? well, barring the presence of spaniards and frenchmen in my life i think i'll just go ahead and sign up for chinese. that's where all the moolah is. 20% of the world's population speak it, and it's the single biggest economy in the world after the US. hu jintao dropped by for a visit and delivered a speech at the office, and i had a nagging suspicion what he was really saying was "here's a toast to the Chinese annexation of the Philippines in ten years!" and all the idiots at the gallery were cheering him on not knowing what the hell he was talking about. they were just clapping everytime a cue card was raised in front of them with the word "applause" written on it.
6. be less judgmental.
uhm, this isn't really a life goal as much as it is a reminder to myself.
7. go back to the gym.
the stars say jupiter's presence in my sun sign this year brings with it a series of fortunate events (like, duh, where are they?), but being the planet of expansion, jupiter can also bring about a most physical interpretation to this and mean that i will get fat again. well, i did notice the love handles attempting to stage a comeback last week, so i went on a discreet, but effective diet. i'm fine now, they're under control *pinch side of belly*. but the flat abs are still a dream, and so are all the kinky acts i associate with having them.
8. get on track to financial independence.
well, i am independent. the truth is, i am depended on. but by this i mean i have to start getting my financial act in order. no more debt, no more obligations, no more paybacks to be made. but in a year and a half? ha! such is the bane of the middle class intellectual.
9. travel.
connected to no. 8, this would be the best measure that i have achieved self-sufficiency in my finances. my first endeavor would be either thailand or singapore. but sodomy's a no-no in singapore, so thailand it is. unless my mom tags along. most probably. basta, travel. kebs kung baguio lang yan. basta.
10. find someone worthy and then go after him until he gives in.
the next time i fall in love, this is going to be my strategy. yeah, yeah, i've said goodbye to love, and all that. but i have a proven track record in going against my word when it comes to love. so next time, it will be all about the 21 things i deserve in a lover (apologies, alanis). and as she sings, 'i'm in no hurry i could wait forever, i'm in no rush 'coz i like being solo, in the meantime i'll live like there's no tomorrow.' i have a candidate, but well.. i'm not jumping ahead of myself.
and that's what this list is all about, i guess. it's all about giving flesh to what i said was me 'finding empowerment in my solitude'. damn it. i'm young, i'm beautiful, my life feels like a soap sometimes, but hey, quoting jessie is the way to go about it. drawing this list up means i'm taking on this trip and if someone comes along to share the journey then yay. if not, then boo-hoo and so what.
5.21.2005
oh, rats!
i think honey's sick. darling is getting along fine, if not getting a bit fat. and i have a nagging suspicion that sugar and sweetheart are both boys.
no, these are not pseudonyms for fuck buddies. one can only be so lucky to be able to juggle four guys at the same time.
for the past three weeks i have been taking care of two pairs of pinto mice which mom bought from bioresearch on a whim while malling with my niece suji.
actually mom initially bought honey and darling, and they were fine until we noticed how their cage was too small. last payday i visited sm north after a long, long time so i could "upgrade" their dwelling. i bought a larger plastic cage with the cover made so that one could stick in a dropper for water and another slot is provided for further upgrading tools like a tower or a slide.
i also bought a wheel which the rats were only too happy to jump on and play in, as well as a play tube where i would usually find honey and darling sleeping.
i had overestimated honey and darling's sizes, and when i brought home sweetheart and sugar i found that the new additions were much bigger than the original pair. but they're getting along fine. but as i've said i think honey's sick. he's a bit slow nowadays and he keeps mostly to himself. i noticed his thin fur of grey with a streak of white on the back is also ruffled, as if he was infected with lice or something. yuck. i don't touch him nowadays.
darling, on the other hand is getting along well with the new, bigger pair. they are sooooo makulit. they are still running around the cage even when i'm about to go to bed at around 12.
sugar and sweetheart are monochromatic, sugar is all brown and sweetheart is all grey. and they're very very healthy, i might add. they've foregone the ratfood we bought and have taken a liking to bread instead. lucky rats, our supplies are always wheat bread, or at times, specialty breads from starbucks or breadworks from where i usually buy for mom.
why rats? well, mom started it. they're very cheap. and very low maintenance. i'm the one who spoils them with expensive bread and mineral water (!).
when i bought the new cage for the furry foursome, i also went around the shop and thought about starting up a fishtank. maybe in the next few weeks. but my only concern is that it will take too much space, and someone has to keep an eye on them since i'm always out. and i am not a big fan of fishes (except jazzy, hehe).
i just get to thinking that well, the house can't be forever devoid of animal presence, aside from my brother who is ugaling animal, but after barbie's death last year i haven't exactly warmed up to the idea of a dalmatian, despite my mom's pleas. and besides, we rent, so i don't want to bother with moving around with a pet. it is hard to find a place where they let pets in, in the first place.
but for now the sanitized, domesticated rats will do. they're a much welcome presence despite, and maybe exactly because of, the bad rap that rats suffer from.
it's not exactly a come-on for dates who would like to inquire about what sort of pet i keep in the house, but hey, what the heck. i probably saved those rats from being fed to snakes. that's a plus, right?
no, these are not pseudonyms for fuck buddies. one can only be so lucky to be able to juggle four guys at the same time.
for the past three weeks i have been taking care of two pairs of pinto mice which mom bought from bioresearch on a whim while malling with my niece suji.
actually mom initially bought honey and darling, and they were fine until we noticed how their cage was too small. last payday i visited sm north after a long, long time so i could "upgrade" their dwelling. i bought a larger plastic cage with the cover made so that one could stick in a dropper for water and another slot is provided for further upgrading tools like a tower or a slide.
i also bought a wheel which the rats were only too happy to jump on and play in, as well as a play tube where i would usually find honey and darling sleeping.
i had overestimated honey and darling's sizes, and when i brought home sweetheart and sugar i found that the new additions were much bigger than the original pair. but they're getting along fine. but as i've said i think honey's sick. he's a bit slow nowadays and he keeps mostly to himself. i noticed his thin fur of grey with a streak of white on the back is also ruffled, as if he was infected with lice or something. yuck. i don't touch him nowadays.
darling, on the other hand is getting along well with the new, bigger pair. they are sooooo makulit. they are still running around the cage even when i'm about to go to bed at around 12.
sugar and sweetheart are monochromatic, sugar is all brown and sweetheart is all grey. and they're very very healthy, i might add. they've foregone the ratfood we bought and have taken a liking to bread instead. lucky rats, our supplies are always wheat bread, or at times, specialty breads from starbucks or breadworks from where i usually buy for mom.
why rats? well, mom started it. they're very cheap. and very low maintenance. i'm the one who spoils them with expensive bread and mineral water (!).
when i bought the new cage for the furry foursome, i also went around the shop and thought about starting up a fishtank. maybe in the next few weeks. but my only concern is that it will take too much space, and someone has to keep an eye on them since i'm always out. and i am not a big fan of fishes (except jazzy, hehe).
i just get to thinking that well, the house can't be forever devoid of animal presence, aside from my brother who is ugaling animal, but after barbie's death last year i haven't exactly warmed up to the idea of a dalmatian, despite my mom's pleas. and besides, we rent, so i don't want to bother with moving around with a pet. it is hard to find a place where they let pets in, in the first place.
but for now the sanitized, domesticated rats will do. they're a much welcome presence despite, and maybe exactly because of, the bad rap that rats suffer from.
it's not exactly a come-on for dates who would like to inquire about what sort of pet i keep in the house, but hey, what the heck. i probably saved those rats from being fed to snakes. that's a plus, right?
5.20.2005
my lips have betrayed the promise i made
maybe because i'm ready to admit it now. 1998 was a dream away and i want it to stay that way, i once said. a fuzzy, vague dream one doesn't fully remember upon waking up. but the truth is, i remember. it was in the form of a letter. and i ended it with the word 'always'. but always isn't forever. no regrets, however. but no going back.
it's just that i was so pissed after he came out a few weeks later and how it made me feel that made me put up the wall between me and that episode. i thought, hey, maybe something really is wrong with me. i was what, 20 at the time, and i haven't made a full disclosure to everyone, not even my friends?
but what a difference distance and six years in between make.
i'm beyond that now. i know my worth. i know who i want. i'm at the 'how' stage now.
and no jessie, it won't do to look at me and him as two similar people, because as i told you he and i are fundamentally different, and there is no going back to that place for me. i've hemmed and hawed before over guys. but this one i know for sure. there is no match to be made here. just a friendship that needs more substance.
which is a bit sad, i know. as i've said he has everyhing i would ever want in anyone i'd ever dare to care for. but what i want may not be what i need.
i know who i want. i just hope he wants me back. because now i know i shouldn't keep my head down when i'm walking. edited because i had to remind myself that i've said goodbye to love already. :)
it's just that i was so pissed after he came out a few weeks later and how it made me feel that made me put up the wall between me and that episode. i thought, hey, maybe something really is wrong with me. i was what, 20 at the time, and i haven't made a full disclosure to everyone, not even my friends?
but what a difference distance and six years in between make.
i'm beyond that now. i know my worth. i know who i want. i'm at the 'how' stage now.
and no jessie, it won't do to look at me and him as two similar people, because as i told you he and i are fundamentally different, and there is no going back to that place for me. i've hemmed and hawed before over guys. but this one i know for sure. there is no match to be made here. just a friendship that needs more substance.
which is a bit sad, i know. as i've said he has everyhing i would ever want in anyone i'd ever dare to care for. but what i want may not be what i need.
5.19.2005
quoting jessie
ungas and i talk only once in a while. but today he says something that really catches me off-guard. and very inspiring. buti na lang may mga kaibigan pa din akong katulad ni jessie. kahit minsan ko na lang makausap, may sense pa din pag binubuksan ang bibig nila.
but i swear, if you ever preempt me by telling other people about what you found out today, jessie, i will hunt you down at didiretsuhin ko yang buhok mo sa taas.
isipin mo na ang buhay ay isang mahabang backpack. may gustu kang puntahan at ikaw ang mamimili kung panu ka pumunta. nga yon king may gustung sumabay, eh di ok. sabay lang. kung di na masaya, eh di hiwalay na sya ng daan, basta ikaw, tuloy ka lang sa byahe mo
but i swear, if you ever preempt me by telling other people about what you found out today, jessie, i will hunt you down at didiretsuhin ko yang buhok mo sa taas.
5.17.2005
songs of hope, songs of despair
i ripped the idea for this off marnie's blog and came up with my own list. but since i believe we all spend our lives weeping half the time and laughing the other half, i decided it would be better to come up with 10 other songs that indicate positive messages, songs that never fail to lift me up.
the list is by no means definitive. for i am sure that in my never-ending affair with the world of music as a listener (an occassional crooked crooner), there are still a million songs to be found and enjoyed.
but for now, this is my playlist. and while i haven't found the way to put up at least samplers, i have instead attached to each piece my most favorite lines from each one and where possible, elaborated on why i love each song.
songs of despair
downtown train - everything but the girl
"I know your window and I know it's late. I know your stairs and your doorway. I walk down your street and past your gate. I stand by the light at the four-way"
i am particularly fond of trains. they are far more comfortable than jeepneys and buses, but not that expensive. especially the line that runs through aurora. trains are spacious enough to allow myself a space for myself and be able to look around at all the fellow strangers on their way somewhere else, without the feeling of suffocating, unless of course one is taking the old and original LRT line which i have not been on in about a year.
as for this song, the forlorn image of a solitary peregrine on a train taking the last trip, watching the buildings pass by and a long-lost love on his mind has always stuck to me from the moment eileen gave me an ebtg cd with this tom waits original in it.
damaged - tlc
"i might look through your stuff for what i don't wanna find or i might just set you up to see if you're all mine."
aren't we all damaged? we all have old scars we have to contend with at one point. no one is perfect and this song seems to tell me that no one should even try. the paranoia flavor is also what makes this song so much fun for me, because admittedly, i could just find myself doing the things said in the quote above. all because i could be capable of either extremes: i could either smother my love because i tend to be protective and guarded, or i could be totally supportive even if it means i have to lose that very same love.
you don't know me - jann arden
"you give your hand to me and then you say goodbye. i watch you walk away, you're such a lucky guy, oh you will never know the one who loves you so 'cause you don't know me."
in my mind i have accused not less than a couple of guys just how much we couldn't break down the walls because he didn't know the first thing about me, which is sad because this songs says how one could lose an opportunity because one doesn't know the other. how does one do that anyway, i get to think everytime i hear this song.
here without you - three doors down
"A thousand lights had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same. But all the miles had separate, they disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face."
i love the video for this song. and i think i love the melody more than anything else about it. very sentimental, from a poprock group, but the effect is no less genuine.
paper bag - fiona apple
"I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy, whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had."
fiona's best, in my opinion. i love the images, the held-back feeling of hopelessness, the general sense that well, one is spending too much time on wishes and what ifs against the reality of a hopeless reality, a love never to be consummated.
fallen - sarah mclachlan
"I have sunk so low, I have messed up, better I should know. So don't come round here and tell me 'I told you so.'"
i should know better. four words i keep tellign myself when this song is on. and it's mclachlan. what else can i say?
almost doesn't count - brandy
"Gonna find me somebody not afraid to let go. Want a no doubt be there kind of man, you came real close."
i am particularly fond of this song because of the rocketman episode. yes, i'll admit, this is the song i have for him.
put your arms around me - texas
"Are you ready? Maybe, do you long to confess? Do you feel that you're already numb? Are you sure of yourself? Would you lie if you're not?"
sharon's vocals are at their best in this song, and i don't think anyone else can pull it off.
dying - five for fighting
"I'm dying, dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again. I'm dying, dying to forget about you, that you ever lived."
a bit morbid to take the title at face value, but the ironic tone is nt lost on me.
i want someone badly - jeff buckley
"now i want someone badly, to burn in here with me. but listen baby 'cause i cry all over madly don't do anything do it for me."
maybe a part of me is desperate, and buckley knows just how to sing hte words for me.
songs of hope
in a little while - u2
"In a little while I won't (be) blown by every breeze Friday night running to Sunday on my knees."
the confidence is just uplifting without sounding arrogant. the riffs are particularly splendid in this song too.
one fine day - natalie merchant
"We'll meet once more and then you'll want the love you threw away before."
new york, here i come. if only for the chance to sing this song in the middle of an autumn rain running down 5th avenue makes me want to leave manila.
the rendition is very subdued, but very assured.
i'm about to come alive - train
"Maybe I'm not but you're all I got left to believe in. Don't give up on me I'm about to come alive. And I know that it's been hard and it's been a long time coming. Don't give up on me I'm about to come alive."
this is the way i always imagine my relationships would end. bored out of his pants, he would leave me because the emotional satisfaction has hit a plateau from which there is no going anywhere except back down. but the song is a plea for trust. that despite the hardships, things could still work out.
right kind of wrong - leann rimes
"I should try to run but I just can’t seem to. Cause every time I run you’re the one I run to."
i used to associate this song with he whose eyes do not have it. someone so wrong could make you feel what you feel is so right. falling for the wrong type of guys? trust me, i'm an expert.
walking away - craig david
"Sometimes some people get me wrong, when it's something I've said or done. Sometimes you feel there is no fun, that's why you turn and run."
this is my rise-above-all-of-this-shit song. transcendent and stunningly sang by craig david, this is hte one song i turn to when i feel like, well, walking away.
me - kina
"I'm just me, I'm enough, with myself I'm in love. I've been weak, I've been low, made me strong, now I know I'm just me, I'm enough nothin' less, nothing more."
this is my affirmation. every line, every word.
beauty on the fire - natalie imbruglia
"Tonight could I be lost forever, to drown my soul in sensory pleasure."
when i cut loose, i am reminded of this song. and yes, mostly i do that in bed.
true to myself - ziggy marley
"I've reached a point in life no longer can I be this way. Don't come crying to me I too have shed my share of tears. I'm moving on yes I'm grooving on."
enteng introduced me to ziggy, and this song in particular. but sometimes i feel like i have to be high to truly appreciate the message of this song.
rise - gabrielle
"much time has passed between us, do you still think of me at all. my world of broken promises, now you won't catch me when i fall."
this song explains itself best.
before you - chantal kreviazuk
"Oh, baby before you well, I was so scared. I was a train wreck waitin' to happen on the way to nowhere. And now I think it's kinda funny that you say you love me, you tell me that I'm crazy then you smile."
well, this song is very fun to listen to. but i am yet to find myself in a situation where i can say "yes, you make me want to sing this."
the list is by no means definitive. for i am sure that in my never-ending affair with the world of music as a listener (an occassional crooked crooner), there are still a million songs to be found and enjoyed.
but for now, this is my playlist. and while i haven't found the way to put up at least samplers, i have instead attached to each piece my most favorite lines from each one and where possible, elaborated on why i love each song.
downtown train - everything but the girl
"I know your window and I know it's late. I know your stairs and your doorway. I walk down your street and past your gate. I stand by the light at the four-way"
i am particularly fond of trains. they are far more comfortable than jeepneys and buses, but not that expensive. especially the line that runs through aurora. trains are spacious enough to allow myself a space for myself and be able to look around at all the fellow strangers on their way somewhere else, without the feeling of suffocating, unless of course one is taking the old and original LRT line which i have not been on in about a year.
as for this song, the forlorn image of a solitary peregrine on a train taking the last trip, watching the buildings pass by and a long-lost love on his mind has always stuck to me from the moment eileen gave me an ebtg cd with this tom waits original in it.
damaged - tlc
"i might look through your stuff for what i don't wanna find or i might just set you up to see if you're all mine."
aren't we all damaged? we all have old scars we have to contend with at one point. no one is perfect and this song seems to tell me that no one should even try. the paranoia flavor is also what makes this song so much fun for me, because admittedly, i could just find myself doing the things said in the quote above. all because i could be capable of either extremes: i could either smother my love because i tend to be protective and guarded, or i could be totally supportive even if it means i have to lose that very same love.
you don't know me - jann arden
"you give your hand to me and then you say goodbye. i watch you walk away, you're such a lucky guy, oh you will never know the one who loves you so 'cause you don't know me."
in my mind i have accused not less than a couple of guys just how much we couldn't break down the walls because he didn't know the first thing about me, which is sad because this songs says how one could lose an opportunity because one doesn't know the other. how does one do that anyway, i get to think everytime i hear this song.
here without you - three doors down
"A thousand lights had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same. But all the miles had separate, they disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face."
i love the video for this song. and i think i love the melody more than anything else about it. very sentimental, from a poprock group, but the effect is no less genuine.
paper bag - fiona apple
"I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy, whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had."
fiona's best, in my opinion. i love the images, the held-back feeling of hopelessness, the general sense that well, one is spending too much time on wishes and what ifs against the reality of a hopeless reality, a love never to be consummated.
fallen - sarah mclachlan
"I have sunk so low, I have messed up, better I should know. So don't come round here and tell me 'I told you so.'"
i should know better. four words i keep tellign myself when this song is on. and it's mclachlan. what else can i say?
almost doesn't count - brandy
"Gonna find me somebody not afraid to let go. Want a no doubt be there kind of man, you came real close."
i am particularly fond of this song because of the rocketman episode. yes, i'll admit, this is the song i have for him.
put your arms around me - texas
"Are you ready? Maybe, do you long to confess? Do you feel that you're already numb? Are you sure of yourself? Would you lie if you're not?"
sharon's vocals are at their best in this song, and i don't think anyone else can pull it off.
dying - five for fighting
"I'm dying, dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again. I'm dying, dying to forget about you, that you ever lived."
a bit morbid to take the title at face value, but the ironic tone is nt lost on me.
i want someone badly - jeff buckley
"now i want someone badly, to burn in here with me. but listen baby 'cause i cry all over madly don't do anything do it for me."
maybe a part of me is desperate, and buckley knows just how to sing hte words for me.
in a little while - u2
"In a little while I won't (be) blown by every breeze Friday night running to Sunday on my knees."
the confidence is just uplifting without sounding arrogant. the riffs are particularly splendid in this song too.
one fine day - natalie merchant
"We'll meet once more and then you'll want the love you threw away before."
new york, here i come. if only for the chance to sing this song in the middle of an autumn rain running down 5th avenue makes me want to leave manila.
the rendition is very subdued, but very assured.
i'm about to come alive - train
"Maybe I'm not but you're all I got left to believe in. Don't give up on me I'm about to come alive. And I know that it's been hard and it's been a long time coming. Don't give up on me I'm about to come alive."
this is the way i always imagine my relationships would end. bored out of his pants, he would leave me because the emotional satisfaction has hit a plateau from which there is no going anywhere except back down. but the song is a plea for trust. that despite the hardships, things could still work out.
right kind of wrong - leann rimes
"I should try to run but I just can’t seem to. Cause every time I run you’re the one I run to."
i used to associate this song with he whose eyes do not have it. someone so wrong could make you feel what you feel is so right. falling for the wrong type of guys? trust me, i'm an expert.
walking away - craig david
"Sometimes some people get me wrong, when it's something I've said or done. Sometimes you feel there is no fun, that's why you turn and run."
this is my rise-above-all-of-this-shit song. transcendent and stunningly sang by craig david, this is hte one song i turn to when i feel like, well, walking away.
me - kina
"I'm just me, I'm enough, with myself I'm in love. I've been weak, I've been low, made me strong, now I know I'm just me, I'm enough nothin' less, nothing more."
this is my affirmation. every line, every word.
beauty on the fire - natalie imbruglia
"Tonight could I be lost forever, to drown my soul in sensory pleasure."
when i cut loose, i am reminded of this song. and yes, mostly i do that in bed.
true to myself - ziggy marley
"I've reached a point in life no longer can I be this way. Don't come crying to me I too have shed my share of tears. I'm moving on yes I'm grooving on."
enteng introduced me to ziggy, and this song in particular. but sometimes i feel like i have to be high to truly appreciate the message of this song.
rise - gabrielle
"much time has passed between us, do you still think of me at all. my world of broken promises, now you won't catch me when i fall."
this song explains itself best.
before you - chantal kreviazuk
"Oh, baby before you well, I was so scared. I was a train wreck waitin' to happen on the way to nowhere. And now I think it's kinda funny that you say you love me, you tell me that I'm crazy then you smile."
well, this song is very fun to listen to. but i am yet to find myself in a situation where i can say "yes, you make me want to sing this."
5.16.2005
pride
and the deadliest sin of them all is this.
when you walk past your dear friend because you figure she owes you an apology for her handling of an issue for which you felt you needed an explanation, not crucifixion.
when you dismiss someone as a turd not worth your time because he does not respect your desire to remain anonymous.
when you openly diss a colleague for his delinquency and somehow manage to make an issue of how you are still working at 10 in the evening putting out press releases and how it's all not fair for you to be getting less pay for that.
when you are watching tv and you don't even say a word to your brother who is having dinner.
when you haven't spoken to an officemate for six months because you think she's an underperforming banshee who's losing it and was trying to get your job until you put your foot down and told yourself this is your job and no one is going to come in and tell you how to do it.
when you realize who you want, but don't know how to go about making it known. or maybe you do, but you don't want to because you think he should make the first move if he's really interested.
when you think at the end of the day they can all go to hell, and what's important is you're doing your job just fine and don't need to apologize because you think someone else is has got their job or their life or their feelings all fucked up.
it is deadly to carry this weight around, but you live with it. because you are a human being with feelings, and your feelings got hurt at various times -- recently, last month, last year, a few years back.
but the sin lies in asking 'who's going to take the first step towards healing?' and you say 'definitely not me.'
when you walk past your dear friend because you figure she owes you an apology for her handling of an issue for which you felt you needed an explanation, not crucifixion.
when you dismiss someone as a turd not worth your time because he does not respect your desire to remain anonymous.
when you openly diss a colleague for his delinquency and somehow manage to make an issue of how you are still working at 10 in the evening putting out press releases and how it's all not fair for you to be getting less pay for that.
when you are watching tv and you don't even say a word to your brother who is having dinner.
when you haven't spoken to an officemate for six months because you think she's an underperforming banshee who's losing it and was trying to get your job until you put your foot down and told yourself this is your job and no one is going to come in and tell you how to do it.
when you realize who you want, but don't know how to go about making it known. or maybe you do, but you don't want to because you think he should make the first move if he's really interested.
when you think at the end of the day they can all go to hell, and what's important is you're doing your job just fine and don't need to apologize because you think someone else is has got their job or their life or their feelings all fucked up.
it is deadly to carry this weight around, but you live with it. because you are a human being with feelings, and your feelings got hurt at various times -- recently, last month, last year, a few years back.
but the sin lies in asking 'who's going to take the first step towards healing?' and you say 'definitely not me.'
a sight for...
for the first time in my life, i have sore eyes. just when things are heating up, my eyes are failing me. i can't read for long without my eyes shutting themselves up. and on top of it all, i have a cough. a really nasty cough. a messy cough. it makes me want to throw up just thinking how fucked up my lungs are right now.
the good news is, it doesn't give me much room for oggling. who would have time for boy-watching when you can't even see things properly?
but at least i know my sight is hindered by something physical. some people i know refuse to see what is before them for reasons that have nothing to do with physical ailments at all.
some people, colored by deeply held biases refuse to open channels of communication because they stubbornly stick to their preconceived notions about other people and what they stand for that they fail to see the bigger picture.
some people choose to stay blind because they arrogantly think they and they alone know what's best.
some people choose to stay blind because they refuse to entertain the idea that maybe, just maybe, they can be wrong.
some people choose to stay blind because they are too afraid to look over the fence and ask themselves 'hey, maybe i should figure out how HIS mind works, nevermind if my friends think he's all about crap.'
some people have 20/20 vision. but they still can't see what's right there in front of them.
for the first time in my life, i have sore eyes. and when i close my eyes to rest them, it is odd how much of the world around me i can actually see.
the good news is, it doesn't give me much room for oggling. who would have time for boy-watching when you can't even see things properly?
but at least i know my sight is hindered by something physical. some people i know refuse to see what is before them for reasons that have nothing to do with physical ailments at all.
some people, colored by deeply held biases refuse to open channels of communication because they stubbornly stick to their preconceived notions about other people and what they stand for that they fail to see the bigger picture.
some people choose to stay blind because they arrogantly think they and they alone know what's best.
some people choose to stay blind because they refuse to entertain the idea that maybe, just maybe, they can be wrong.
some people choose to stay blind because they are too afraid to look over the fence and ask themselves 'hey, maybe i should figure out how HIS mind works, nevermind if my friends think he's all about crap.'
some people have 20/20 vision. but they still can't see what's right there in front of them.
for the first time in my life, i have sore eyes. and when i close my eyes to rest them, it is odd how much of the world around me i can actually see.
5.14.2005
why i tell the story
sometimes i feel like i say too much in this journal. and i've proven that in the past i've said some things i would only take back. so why keep telling the story?
watching this musical reminded me.
even if against my better judgment, i have to keep telling my story because this is the only way i can remind myself about the conclusions i've drawn about my life. telling my story allows me to feel like, in the words of erzulie, "part of the human heart".
whether it's a tale of pain, of love, hope or faith, the story is told so we can be reminded that the sand is there so there can be "fun for your toes", and the breeze blows "to fan your face". because if it's true what i've said before, somewhere out there, this story must have already found its way in "a story and in a song" and the curtain is just about to fall.
the story is told so we can move on. so we can learn. so we can forgive.
yep. i'm living on this island. and for every day that the gods "decide to send a hurricane" i guess my only option would be to dance along. because that's how stories become beautiful. when you can dance along.
watching this musical reminded me.
even if against my better judgment, i have to keep telling my story because this is the only way i can remind myself about the conclusions i've drawn about my life. telling my story allows me to feel like, in the words of erzulie, "part of the human heart".
whether it's a tale of pain, of love, hope or faith, the story is told so we can be reminded that the sand is there so there can be "fun for your toes", and the breeze blows "to fan your face". because if it's true what i've said before, somewhere out there, this story must have already found its way in "a story and in a song" and the curtain is just about to fall.
the story is told so we can move on. so we can learn. so we can forgive.
yep. i'm living on this island. and for every day that the gods "decide to send a hurricane" i guess my only option would be to dance along. because that's how stories become beautiful. when you can dance along.
5.12.2005
5.10.2005
let him fall
i hear thunder. i hear raindrops on the roof. it's been a while since rain was here. and after the blistering intolerance of summer's heat, i am ready to welcome the rainy season back into my life.
my last affair with the rainy season wasn't really all that enjoyable. crazy me thought there was a conspiracy going on or something to that effect, but oh boy, was i soooo dead wrong.
this time though, i think the rain wil be a welcome presence in my life.
last night it fell down like the heavens were keeping it all in and just wanted to let it all out in one spontaneous burst of emotions. i felt like a raincloud myself as i sat on the building steps waiting for byron to come back with samu and fetch me.
but after weeks of endless sweating and missing the beach, i can confidently say that i won't miss summer at all. i'm ready to say goodbye to waking early in the morning soaked in sweat and tears. (okay, well maybe more of sweat and not a lot of tears, but there were some, i have to admit.)
i remember a few years back when we went to ate sue ann and kuya reggie's house. they're marylou's sister and brother-in-law, and we went to their house i think for an extension of a weekend presswork, and i remember how we danced and just fooled around while the rain was falling. i want to go back to that innocence, when heartaches didn't even matter, when we were just late teeners who were in love with our words and not with strangers and assholes.
it makes me sad, how over time, i seem to have lost that ability to connect with the rain and bring out the inner child in me. i want to get lost in the rhythm of a secret melody, the playful lively rhapsody that i only hear with every raindrop falling.
so yes, i look forward to more rain, though not the kind that shuts down the city out of massive flooding. so while the mercury is still on the rise, i don't mind. i just know deep inside of me that the sun is drying up the water, gathering it in his overpowering embrace, to let it down again in due time. i wait with bated breath and open arms to more raindrops and more rainfall.
i want to dance with him, laugh in his presence and kiss him with lips parched by too much sun.
and yes, to the sun, i implore: you've kept the rain away from me for far too long. let him fall. i won't.
my last affair with the rainy season wasn't really all that enjoyable. crazy me thought there was a conspiracy going on or something to that effect, but oh boy, was i soooo dead wrong.
this time though, i think the rain wil be a welcome presence in my life.
last night it fell down like the heavens were keeping it all in and just wanted to let it all out in one spontaneous burst of emotions. i felt like a raincloud myself as i sat on the building steps waiting for byron to come back with samu and fetch me.
but after weeks of endless sweating and missing the beach, i can confidently say that i won't miss summer at all. i'm ready to say goodbye to waking early in the morning soaked in sweat and tears. (okay, well maybe more of sweat and not a lot of tears, but there were some, i have to admit.)
i remember a few years back when we went to ate sue ann and kuya reggie's house. they're marylou's sister and brother-in-law, and we went to their house i think for an extension of a weekend presswork, and i remember how we danced and just fooled around while the rain was falling. i want to go back to that innocence, when heartaches didn't even matter, when we were just late teeners who were in love with our words and not with strangers and assholes.
it makes me sad, how over time, i seem to have lost that ability to connect with the rain and bring out the inner child in me. i want to get lost in the rhythm of a secret melody, the playful lively rhapsody that i only hear with every raindrop falling.
so yes, i look forward to more rain, though not the kind that shuts down the city out of massive flooding. so while the mercury is still on the rise, i don't mind. i just know deep inside of me that the sun is drying up the water, gathering it in his overpowering embrace, to let it down again in due time. i wait with bated breath and open arms to more raindrops and more rainfall.
i want to dance with him, laugh in his presence and kiss him with lips parched by too much sun.
and yes, to the sun, i implore: you've kept the rain away from me for far too long. let him fall. i won't.
goodbye to love
and the words just came out like that, over phone with nina. i think it's official. i've given up. i've done everything. i've been out there, i've been in here, i've been to me; and nothing.
some fights aren't worth pursuing. every game has to end at some point. love is a battle, but losing it doesn't have to mean i've lost a bigger war -- the war to reclaim life and enjoy it, with or without someone else.
so yes, i accept defeat. it's not him nor him nor him nor him nor him nor him, ad infinitum. not now. not here.
it used to be that i acceeded to losses from specific cases, but now, i'm doing it as a whole. there's no use for this second-hand emotion, this old-fashioned notion of a "somebody for someone", as the corrs sang it.
well, the boy just left, he's grown tired of watching sugar sell for money to the dead at night. i don't see any angel, and i certainly don't understand how easy it could be to say "look, see, save, find and free me" when the truth is, sugar is overrated.
the walls are back up. if there's to be anyone to break them down again, then he's got his work cut out for him. that's the love i want. the one i deserve.
some fights aren't worth pursuing. every game has to end at some point. love is a battle, but losing it doesn't have to mean i've lost a bigger war -- the war to reclaim life and enjoy it, with or without someone else.
so yes, i accept defeat. it's not him nor him nor him nor him nor him nor him, ad infinitum. not now. not here.
it used to be that i acceeded to losses from specific cases, but now, i'm doing it as a whole. there's no use for this second-hand emotion, this old-fashioned notion of a "somebody for someone", as the corrs sang it.
well, the boy just left, he's grown tired of watching sugar sell for money to the dead at night. i don't see any angel, and i certainly don't understand how easy it could be to say "look, see, save, find and free me" when the truth is, sugar is overrated.
the walls are back up. if there's to be anyone to break them down again, then he's got his work cut out for him. that's the love i want. the one i deserve.
wedding news!
i had initially thought chrissie's wedding would be on sunday, or at least that's how it appeared to me upon receiving the news from herbert last week. in any case, it went down last night, and i missed it.
i am so ashamed of myself. i know it is a very important day for chrissie, a dear friend, who if i remember it correctly, was among the very first few people who made my coming out process to friends easier.
had i been able to attend, it would have been a FIRST for me. none of my friends have ever gotten married yet. i wanted to see for myself how it would feel and look like, to send off a dear friend to a life of 'we' and away from 'me'.
in any case, my advice was very succinct: leave the reception early and go make a baby so i can make bawi at the binyag.
*guffaw*
many years of blissfull togetherness for the new mr. and mrs. salvador!
gee. i don't even know what the proper salutation is for newlyweds!
i am so ashamed of myself. i know it is a very important day for chrissie, a dear friend, who if i remember it correctly, was among the very first few people who made my coming out process to friends easier.
had i been able to attend, it would have been a FIRST for me. none of my friends have ever gotten married yet. i wanted to see for myself how it would feel and look like, to send off a dear friend to a life of 'we' and away from 'me'.
in any case, my advice was very succinct: leave the reception early and go make a baby so i can make bawi at the binyag.
*guffaw*
many years of blissfull togetherness for the new mr. and mrs. salvador!
gee. i don't even know what the proper salutation is for newlyweds!
5.09.2005
space
i was euphoric about friendster about a year ago. the thought of hunting down old friends and linking up with them sent me into a frenzy of click-click-clicking that ultimately saw my list grow from a paltry dozen to about two hundred or so. this of course pales in comparison to finn's whose list has reached the maximum 500 more than once already.
but still, it made me feel good that my list was growing, because it gave me a sense that my networks were expanding, and hopefully, so were my friendships.
but over the past few days i get to thinking about anonymity, about how much private space is lost when one goes online, and how much of myself i get out there, sometimes without a thought as to how this would affect my own reputation as an individual, and even how other people might perceive my affiliations.
that, and the fact that a lo of the strangers i have in my list didn't really turn out to be friends over time at all.
this concern grew even more pronounced when i got to think that it's not also about my space, but also about other people's as well.
i certainly don't want strangers just dropping by and knowing everything about me. or at least more than i am willing to divulge.
this point i must emphasize because i realized i might be doing the same thing to others as well. i realize i might be intruding into someone else's private space without much regard to their level of disclosures and their willingness to allow other people in.
so if i want other people to respect my space, then i must begin by respecting theirs.
and how do i do this? i streamlined my friendster list. i think i need to have some quality control in at least one space where so much of myself is available. not just basic information about myself but also information about my friends as well.
as for my blog, well, that's another matter altogether. i don't mind strangers dropping in, and in fact i'd like to share my thoughts with as many people as possible. but... when it comes to other people's blogs, i might have to minimize exposure to blogs where i am not willing to identify myself. or at least, if i do feel the urge to give my piece of mind, then i will sign my name. i owe people THAT at least.
a part of me is sad, actually. it makes me feel like i'm driving down loner avenue again. but not really. i still have the friendships i cherish, and i still have some that are in the works, and maybe that's enough.
if i want my friendships to really expand, then i must do it offline. and not through the comfort of a keyboard.
but still, it made me feel good that my list was growing, because it gave me a sense that my networks were expanding, and hopefully, so were my friendships.
but over the past few days i get to thinking about anonymity, about how much private space is lost when one goes online, and how much of myself i get out there, sometimes without a thought as to how this would affect my own reputation as an individual, and even how other people might perceive my affiliations.
that, and the fact that a lo of the strangers i have in my list didn't really turn out to be friends over time at all.
this concern grew even more pronounced when i got to think that it's not also about my space, but also about other people's as well.
i certainly don't want strangers just dropping by and knowing everything about me. or at least more than i am willing to divulge.
this point i must emphasize because i realized i might be doing the same thing to others as well. i realize i might be intruding into someone else's private space without much regard to their level of disclosures and their willingness to allow other people in.
so if i want other people to respect my space, then i must begin by respecting theirs.
and how do i do this? i streamlined my friendster list. i think i need to have some quality control in at least one space where so much of myself is available. not just basic information about myself but also information about my friends as well.
as for my blog, well, that's another matter altogether. i don't mind strangers dropping in, and in fact i'd like to share my thoughts with as many people as possible. but... when it comes to other people's blogs, i might have to minimize exposure to blogs where i am not willing to identify myself. or at least, if i do feel the urge to give my piece of mind, then i will sign my name. i owe people THAT at least.
a part of me is sad, actually. it makes me feel like i'm driving down loner avenue again. but not really. i still have the friendships i cherish, and i still have some that are in the works, and maybe that's enough.
if i want my friendships to really expand, then i must do it offline. and not through the comfort of a keyboard.
5.07.2005
losing my shirt
i'm back in familiar surroundings: the comfortable and safe four corners of the office. getting stuck here at this day, at this hour confirms what i fear -- that i AM a workaholic.
but i'd rather have this anytime than say, going to some exhibit in a place called astra to look at nude photography, look like an idiot for a good fifteen minutes and then leave feeling so bad.
i liked the exhibit, actually. i just didn't like that there was a promise attending my presence; that there was this someone who was going to show me around. but ten minutes in, i was still standing alone, so i just stood there in the hallway and pretended i knew art, contemplating the photographs that hanged on the walls.
as soon as dark clouds began forming above my head, i left, thinking i had been stood up. i was fuming, and i wanted so bad to hit something.
my sanctuary was starbucks at the strip. my pill was a tall serving of hot chocolate. the side-effect was the banter of about a hundred coffee-drinking people all around and me enjoying being with myself on a table and not even looking around for cute guys at all.
it helped of course, that an apology was on my phone by 10pm.
by the time i woke up this morning, i was feeling better. last night's miscommunications don't matter anymore. that's just the way it went down, and that's it. better luck next time, i guess.
because i knew i had to get a lot of things done, i just had to put on my usual brave, confident face and went out into the searing heat of the midday sun and got here to the office all smelly and exhausted from the sweat and sun.
at the risk of an officemate possibly coming over and seeing me, i worked without my shirt on.
i traipsed about the office faxing a press release and writing a speech and calling up people, and all the while my upper half was naked. (not to worry, i put it back on when the sun went down, and i am fully clothed as i write this).
i'm just looking back at this and thinking about how all funny this is, because i realize that in the past 24 hours, i lost my shirt twice without any sex involved. and if the apology was sincere, then i'll probably be checking out an exhibit again next weekend.
but i'd rather have this anytime than say, going to some exhibit in a place called astra to look at nude photography, look like an idiot for a good fifteen minutes and then leave feeling so bad.
i liked the exhibit, actually. i just didn't like that there was a promise attending my presence; that there was this someone who was going to show me around. but ten minutes in, i was still standing alone, so i just stood there in the hallway and pretended i knew art, contemplating the photographs that hanged on the walls.
as soon as dark clouds began forming above my head, i left, thinking i had been stood up. i was fuming, and i wanted so bad to hit something.
my sanctuary was starbucks at the strip. my pill was a tall serving of hot chocolate. the side-effect was the banter of about a hundred coffee-drinking people all around and me enjoying being with myself on a table and not even looking around for cute guys at all.
it helped of course, that an apology was on my phone by 10pm.
by the time i woke up this morning, i was feeling better. last night's miscommunications don't matter anymore. that's just the way it went down, and that's it. better luck next time, i guess.
because i knew i had to get a lot of things done, i just had to put on my usual brave, confident face and went out into the searing heat of the midday sun and got here to the office all smelly and exhausted from the sweat and sun.
at the risk of an officemate possibly coming over and seeing me, i worked without my shirt on.
i traipsed about the office faxing a press release and writing a speech and calling up people, and all the while my upper half was naked. (not to worry, i put it back on when the sun went down, and i am fully clothed as i write this).
i'm just looking back at this and thinking about how all funny this is, because i realize that in the past 24 hours, i lost my shirt twice without any sex involved. and if the apology was sincere, then i'll probably be checking out an exhibit again next weekend.
5.05.2005
bad habits
i'm sorry to say, but my effort to rid myself of the habit has failed. after a month of trying to cut down, i was not able to quit. i had cut down my consumption to half a pack, and then my consumption just hit a plateau from which i never progressed. by april 19 i should have been down to 6 sticks a day and by may 1 i should have been smoke-free.
on may 1, i was smoking like i hated my lungs.
and today, during our plant visit to toyota philippines in laguna, all i kept thinking of while we were inside the premises was where i could smoke. and i made up for not smoking for half the day by dragging cess off to starbucks at the strip earlier this evening and smoking away over hot white choco mocha.
detox failed. but it doesn't mean i won't keep trying.
as much as i hate cliches, it's true -- bad habits die hard. and that includes intruding into other people's lives through the benefit of the anonimity that the net provides. and for victims of my obstinate insistence against disclosing, i extend my apologies should you finally get the energy to click-click-click and find your way here.
promise. i'll quit both habits. soon.
on may 1, i was smoking like i hated my lungs.
and today, during our plant visit to toyota philippines in laguna, all i kept thinking of while we were inside the premises was where i could smoke. and i made up for not smoking for half the day by dragging cess off to starbucks at the strip earlier this evening and smoking away over hot white choco mocha.
detox failed. but it doesn't mean i won't keep trying.
as much as i hate cliches, it's true -- bad habits die hard. and that includes intruding into other people's lives through the benefit of the anonimity that the net provides. and for victims of my obstinate insistence against disclosing, i extend my apologies should you finally get the energy to click-click-click and find your way here.
promise. i'll quit both habits. soon.
5.04.2005
watch what you eat
a friend asks my advice and without thinking i tell her to listen to her heart because it wil never go wrong.
but as soon as i realized what i had just typed, i almost wanted to take it back. i felt like i was lying to her. "the heart never goes wrong?" am i on bullshit mode again? i don't remember taking in more sugar today than i usually allow myself. where the hell did THAT come from?
the heart that makes you do its bidding, damned all consequences, is a child. i remember that my mom used to tell me when i was younger that in matters of love, one must always allow for room for both the heart and the mind. she stopped when she realized i didn't have a lovelife. (she might start again once i tell her everything i've chronicled in this blog.)
and so it is. don't always trust your heart. enclosed within your chest, it doesn't see the whole picture. don't be deceived by that pitter-pater you feel deep inside. don't look for that extra beat your heart skips every now and then. for all you know it could have been just the porkchop you had for lunch.
yeah. maybe that's it. what we often mistake for love is nothing more than an imbalanced diet. i knew i was making the right decision when i decided i would be a weight-watcher.
but as soon as i realized what i had just typed, i almost wanted to take it back. i felt like i was lying to her. "the heart never goes wrong?" am i on bullshit mode again? i don't remember taking in more sugar today than i usually allow myself. where the hell did THAT come from?
the heart that makes you do its bidding, damned all consequences, is a child. i remember that my mom used to tell me when i was younger that in matters of love, one must always allow for room for both the heart and the mind. she stopped when she realized i didn't have a lovelife. (she might start again once i tell her everything i've chronicled in this blog.)
and so it is. don't always trust your heart. enclosed within your chest, it doesn't see the whole picture. don't be deceived by that pitter-pater you feel deep inside. don't look for that extra beat your heart skips every now and then. for all you know it could have been just the porkchop you had for lunch.
yeah. maybe that's it. what we often mistake for love is nothing more than an imbalanced diet. i knew i was making the right decision when i decided i would be a weight-watcher.
close enough
i'm beginning to feel i have too much on my plate. and i love it. but i have to do something about my temper.
this day alone i finished editing a speech, wrote a press release in english AND tagalog, and started reading up on an issue regarding imported cars. and then i find that a resolution for which i am responsible still has to be followed up.
and on top of that i had about five media requests keeping me off the desk for a good portion of the day. and i'm just so frantic i hardly had time to breathe.
and through it all, i was fuming. that resolution should have been filed in time for may 1, and now it's too bilasa. and i can't do groundwork tomorrow because i'll be in laguna with the boss on a tour with the labor sector.
damn it. i love this job. i hate my temper.
i'm just thankful for my connectivity. in between all these furious activities, i blog-hop and get to know some strangers and their online lives, their posts, their grammar,etc. it's fascinating really. a blog is a personal space yet it is so public, especially if you're linked.
i don't mind all the linking and the visits, since my own shit is out there for anyone with the patience to click-click-click their way around. without saying too much about themselves, people online, through the journals they keep, allow me a peek into an equally troubled and hopeful world.
there's this guy in oregon who broke up with his partner of several years and wrote and wrote and wrote about it, and now he's dating someone he's absolutely crazy about.
there's this pianist who is about to leave for hong kong for a gig with disneyland for a year, leaving his beau behind, to whom i want to say 'you never leave the one you love behind!' but i should know better than tell someone else how to live his life.
there's this new graduate who got his heart badly broken recently, whose writing just impresses me for its brutality and lack of pretentions.
and then there are the people i know, like tasha who's doing her internship which requires at least three trips to the beach (lucky gal), and who just recently got back together with her girlfriend.
then there's diyosa who just broke up with her boyfriend and is due for a visit back home to manila in a couple of weeks and has been in constant touch through YM in the past few weeks.
and then there's this lovely, far-off blog...which i refuse to talk about, period.
which is just to say that in all the craziness surrounding me, bloghopping allows me a broader perspective of the world outside my line of sight.
it helps keep me grounded, this habit. my temper makes me feel like i have the biggest problems in the world, and maybe i do. but it's not like i'm the only one going through them.
and more importantly, i learn that life isn't just all about the bad parts. the good parts are equally important and worth mentioning and telling about.
blogs do that. they are an act of solidarity with the rest of the wounded world. and it comes (almost) free, even if conffessions as embodied in our blogs take a lot of effort and courage to put up for the world to see. for indeed, the best things in life never come easy. like catharsis.
this day alone i finished editing a speech, wrote a press release in english AND tagalog, and started reading up on an issue regarding imported cars. and then i find that a resolution for which i am responsible still has to be followed up.
and on top of that i had about five media requests keeping me off the desk for a good portion of the day. and i'm just so frantic i hardly had time to breathe.
and through it all, i was fuming. that resolution should have been filed in time for may 1, and now it's too bilasa. and i can't do groundwork tomorrow because i'll be in laguna with the boss on a tour with the labor sector.
damn it. i love this job. i hate my temper.
i'm just thankful for my connectivity. in between all these furious activities, i blog-hop and get to know some strangers and their online lives, their posts, their grammar,etc. it's fascinating really. a blog is a personal space yet it is so public, especially if you're linked.
i don't mind all the linking and the visits, since my own shit is out there for anyone with the patience to click-click-click their way around. without saying too much about themselves, people online, through the journals they keep, allow me a peek into an equally troubled and hopeful world.
there's this guy in oregon who broke up with his partner of several years and wrote and wrote and wrote about it, and now he's dating someone he's absolutely crazy about.
there's this pianist who is about to leave for hong kong for a gig with disneyland for a year, leaving his beau behind, to whom i want to say 'you never leave the one you love behind!' but i should know better than tell someone else how to live his life.
there's this new graduate who got his heart badly broken recently, whose writing just impresses me for its brutality and lack of pretentions.
and then there are the people i know, like tasha who's doing her internship which requires at least three trips to the beach (lucky gal), and who just recently got back together with her girlfriend.
then there's diyosa who just broke up with her boyfriend and is due for a visit back home to manila in a couple of weeks and has been in constant touch through YM in the past few weeks.
and then there's this lovely, far-off blog...which i refuse to talk about, period.
which is just to say that in all the craziness surrounding me, bloghopping allows me a broader perspective of the world outside my line of sight.
it helps keep me grounded, this habit. my temper makes me feel like i have the biggest problems in the world, and maybe i do. but it's not like i'm the only one going through them.
and more importantly, i learn that life isn't just all about the bad parts. the good parts are equally important and worth mentioning and telling about.
blogs do that. they are an act of solidarity with the rest of the wounded world. and it comes (almost) free, even if conffessions as embodied in our blogs take a lot of effort and courage to put up for the world to see. for indeed, the best things in life never come easy. like catharsis.
5.01.2005
mouth shut = chance denied
idiot. stop keeping your head down when you're walking. so what if it's north of 33 degrees outside and you can't bear the high noon sun?
look what happened. you raise your head too late to catch your breath and let out even a lame "hi". and what did you do? you spend the rest of the day making gooey eyes and half-baked smiles and stolen glances.
don't worry about your looks. your hair is mighty fine. in fact the less effort you put in fixing it, the more authentic it looks, and that gives it character, and consequently, you too. stop freaking out about the british teeth, they're fine. your dentist says stick to the routine and they won't be falling off anytime soon.
so what the hell is your problem? why can't you just say hi?
don't ever go down that road again. no more ligaw-tingin. damn it, if you like him, then say hi. it doesn't make you abnormal. it makes you an open, transparent human being willing to relate and let other people in.
you moron. he was smiling at you. a couple of times he even stood near you. and while i know you're highly conscious about never reading too much into gestures, there would have been no harm since you would have just asked him how he is, and not whether he is open to the idea of spending his lifetime with you. (which you aren't interested in knowing anyway at this point, are you?)
and this time dear peregrine, when you feel sorry for yourself for being such a dumbass, don't go texting your common friends for explanations or for recriminations or whatever. keep it to yourself. friends can only help you to an extent. they won't work out your relationships for you. on that part i give you credit. you were itching to tell his housemate who is an old friend of yours from way back in college, or his orgmate who is your bestfriend's former officemate and your badminton buddy, and it's good that you didn't. the last thing you need is to give people something to talk about, but nothing to help you get to know the person, and know him well.
so don't spend too much time thinking about him. in fact, let the opportunity present itself again, if it ever will. if it doesn't then it's HIS loss. don't waste your time trying to figure out a way to make up for your little 'i'm too shy to say hi' episode this afternoon. you didn't have the guts to walk up to him, period. no more excuses. no more repeats, and that's it.
nevermind if he's just one text message away. what difference would it make? he was doing his job, you were doing yours, eventhough you were too chickenshit to stay directly under the sun for too long which was why you bumped into him in the first place.
stop thinking about serendipity, as if you were led into these circumstances because there is a "dotdash dashdash dot dot" underlying it. it's a small city. you do media work, he works for the media. small world. small circles. common friends. same school. same college. not even someone with a brain the size of a peanut wouldn't rule out any conspiracy in that.
so stop thinking you were led there to find him. you were not. after everything you've been through, you ought to know that you shouldn't be looking around anymore. for all your worth, dear peregrine, you desserve to be found.
so next time, speak up, you big wuss. don't worry about the words that might come out wrong. if they don't sound the way they're supposed to mean, then explain. don't deny yourself of another chance. if you sound cooky or vague or just plain goofy, then speak up some more. he'll hear you soon enough. then and only then will someone find you interesting. and then and only then will someone find you, make you his own and keep you.
look what happened. you raise your head too late to catch your breath and let out even a lame "hi". and what did you do? you spend the rest of the day making gooey eyes and half-baked smiles and stolen glances.
don't worry about your looks. your hair is mighty fine. in fact the less effort you put in fixing it, the more authentic it looks, and that gives it character, and consequently, you too. stop freaking out about the british teeth, they're fine. your dentist says stick to the routine and they won't be falling off anytime soon.
so what the hell is your problem? why can't you just say hi?
don't ever go down that road again. no more ligaw-tingin. damn it, if you like him, then say hi. it doesn't make you abnormal. it makes you an open, transparent human being willing to relate and let other people in.
you moron. he was smiling at you. a couple of times he even stood near you. and while i know you're highly conscious about never reading too much into gestures, there would have been no harm since you would have just asked him how he is, and not whether he is open to the idea of spending his lifetime with you. (which you aren't interested in knowing anyway at this point, are you?)
and this time dear peregrine, when you feel sorry for yourself for being such a dumbass, don't go texting your common friends for explanations or for recriminations or whatever. keep it to yourself. friends can only help you to an extent. they won't work out your relationships for you. on that part i give you credit. you were itching to tell his housemate who is an old friend of yours from way back in college, or his orgmate who is your bestfriend's former officemate and your badminton buddy, and it's good that you didn't. the last thing you need is to give people something to talk about, but nothing to help you get to know the person, and know him well.
so don't spend too much time thinking about him. in fact, let the opportunity present itself again, if it ever will. if it doesn't then it's HIS loss. don't waste your time trying to figure out a way to make up for your little 'i'm too shy to say hi' episode this afternoon. you didn't have the guts to walk up to him, period. no more excuses. no more repeats, and that's it.
nevermind if he's just one text message away. what difference would it make? he was doing his job, you were doing yours, eventhough you were too chickenshit to stay directly under the sun for too long which was why you bumped into him in the first place.
stop thinking about serendipity, as if you were led into these circumstances because there is a "dotdash dashdash dot dot" underlying it. it's a small city. you do media work, he works for the media. small world. small circles. common friends. same school. same college. not even someone with a brain the size of a peanut wouldn't rule out any conspiracy in that.
so stop thinking you were led there to find him. you were not. after everything you've been through, you ought to know that you shouldn't be looking around anymore. for all your worth, dear peregrine, you desserve to be found.
so next time, speak up, you big wuss. don't worry about the words that might come out wrong. if they don't sound the way they're supposed to mean, then explain. don't deny yourself of another chance. if you sound cooky or vague or just plain goofy, then speak up some more. he'll hear you soon enough. then and only then will someone find you interesting. and then and only then will someone find you, make you his own and keep you.
Links
Previous Posts
- Mount Manabo, Batangas (May 27-28)
- the voice
- tempest
- i am one hilarious furball of tasteless negativism
- Gulugod Baboy (May 13-14)
- all my friends are going to be strangers (apologie...
- while munching on chocolates after lunch...
- sighting
- laughable, sometimes, except when i mean it
- review (aka there is so much more to life than vul...
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