Mount Manabo, Batangas (May 27-28)

Song of the Moment: This Year, Chantal Kreviazuk
To Do (tasks, not people): jog tomorrow
Current State: anticipating my first climb with....hehehehe
~~~~~~~~~~



manabo is the mid-range peak among three sister peaks -- malipunyo, bagwis and manabo. it is such an easy climb, you won't even get exhausted. or so i think. it offers a rather breathtaking view of batangas with other peaks in the area also visible, if you're lucky. and the bluehearts people? a really nice bunch and down to earth. i miss them na! :P


at the tricycle station once we got to ligaya batangas. the three peaks in the distance.


start of climb. or should i say trek, because we were going down a hill here.


view from the top


group pic!!


early morning chitchat with romel


where are the owners? nag-brokeback-an na!!!

the voice

Song of the Moment: Flawless (Go to the City), George Michael
To Do (tasks, not people): turn in that application
Current State: lazy
~~~~~~~~~~



i've come across quite a wide range of journals out there, some of them out of this world funny, some angsty and angry, some are inspirational while some are just plain boring. but i zero in on those authored by similarly-situated people (mid- to late-20s gay men who are for the most part middle-range employees in some company or another, mostly single) and i notice the funnier ones are the ones with the most hits. i'm not one for mass marketing although sometimes i do wonder why is it that it seems online blogging is no exception for typecasting; gay=funny, it should be, no other way to put it.

i guess poeple do tend to flock to where they can be entertained. i do that too. it just made me reflect about the quality of writing i put into my own journal and how it mirrors who i am as a person. how does my "voice", as one colleague put it, come across?

maybe two years back it was a voice of anger and resentment, of trepidation and regret. i might have been ambivalent back then, fearful or just downright smarting from hurt. which sometimes sounds a lot like the way i probably write nowadays.

which is so weird because away from the keyboard i'm not really all about that. life has moved on, and though i still stay away from certain places, i've went new places though i haven't taken the time out to describe those.

i guess because in general, this blog has taken on a voice of its own quite distinct from who i really am in real life. this blog has a voice, and it speaks of the hurt, the anger and the regret i have had to go through over the years. i wish i could be funny instead of parochial, witty instead of dreary. but that just ain't me. i'm not into funny little ancedotes about the workplace, or the intermittent dates i go on. i'm not the funniest gay guy you'll meet, and i can be a little cold, bordering on being a wet blanket.

my blog isn't "popular" because people don't come here for a laugh or two, unless of course all this is funny to you because you're one heartless ass who enjoys reading about the misery of other people. and that's fine. popularity isn't something you type away through, so those 0 comments shouldn't really bug me. but the other issue -- that of being a sad, dejected, jaded voice -- is something to work on. if i get around the pull of preferring the safe and tried to the new and exciting. which is where the real problem lies, i guess.

so on with life. and to finding myself out there.

tempest

Song of the Moment: Life for Rent, Dido
To Do (tasks, not people): psych myself up for tomorrow
Current State: tired
~~~~~~~~~~



"have you gotten over it yet?"

"no."

"bakit?"

"just because."





maybe someday i'll find that i took the right turn. but not today. to forgive is to forget, they say. but i can still remember.

i am one hilarious furball of tasteless negativism

Song of the Moment: A Different Corner, George Michael
To Do (tasks, not people): know where the fuck I'm staying in Davao
Current State: feeling stupidly sentimental
~~~~~~~~~~




i don't get it. my scores are waaaaaaay too low to be in 'okay' mode. i answered as honestly as i think was possible and i do believe i was candid all throughout. supposedly, all areas of my life, except for body and spirit, have fallen below the general population average. 6.5 for life, 6.4 for mind, 4.6 for friends/family, 4.3 for love, and 6.4 for finance. the average for body and spirit are 6.9 and 6.4, respectively. credit the high scores for climbing and for settling with the fact that i can say i don't go to any church and i'm fine with my faith.

ah, screw it. i'm okay, i know. never mind the red bar. who cares. at the end of the day i can still say i feel just fine. i could be better but what the heck, another day, another chance. right?

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.7
Mind:	5.9
Body:	7.6
Spirit:	7.3
Friends/Family:	4.4
Love:	1.4
Finance:	4.8
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Gulugod Baboy (May 13-14)

Song of the Moment: ---
To Do (tasks, not people): must get out
Current State: enlightened
~~~~~~~~~~



well, after a month of planning and haggling and a preclimb at shang and meeting new faces -- gulugod baboy it was to be, but not.


blame it on Caloy


so we ended up "climbing" -- a cottage, that is.


and hanging out...


playing poker. next time, guys! hehehe!

all my friends are going to be strangers (apologies to mcmurtry)

Song of the Moment: Bad Day, Daniel Powter
To Do (tasks, not people): stop spending
Current State: exhausted, in more ways than one
~~~~~~~~~~



what i have learned from recent weeks is that it doesn't pay to try to please everyone all the time. when things fall apart, what you end up with is a leaner set of friends. it's taking some time to get used to, but i'm glad that the tough ones have chosen to stick around.

i'd say 2002 was the last year that my friends' list really jumped the charts, with peyups accounting for most of the new people i let into my life. today that list has dwindled down to about a dozen or so good friends and a handful of really intimate contacts, with cess above everyone else. i'm just saying this because from now on i want to be more guarded and choosy when it comes to making friends. it sounds so unhealthy to frame it like this, given i can be a very sociable person given the right mood.

but it is traumatic to let someone into your head and into your thoughts and your feelings and in the end feel like this knowledge was used against you. and to top it all off, when the culprit is not even apologetic for what she has done, it is doubly hard to deal with. i'm still smarting from that anawangin episode. to have a person lie to your face for a long time and find that you've been led on? to feel like you've been used as a defense mechanism to protect her own interests? nobody should ever have to deal with that kind of a friend.

that's my side of the story and yet i feel like there's no one who even wants to hear it. the people in the know are either mum, or have consciously taken me out of his email list. i'm the injured party and yet i feel like i'm alone on my side.

eileen and cess and iona will naturally lend me a sympathetic ear; it's not their circle. i want a POV that was right there when it all happened, and i'm not getting it and it pisses me off big time to feel like the friends who knew what happened are letting it pass by just like that. within ourselves i feel like someone has to do a lot of explaining and i'm the one who is now outside looking in and i don't like it. the outside is usually for those who have done wrong, and i have done no such thing.

in general, it is not an exaggeration to say that i find my friends list unbelievably shorter this year than last. it feels like i lost people left and right in a span of months for a variety of reasons: incompatible personalities, finances, and betrayal. that's a heavy load. people are used to severing ties with one or two friends at a time -- not almost their entire list of buddies.

turning the thing around on me, i find that it is my desire to keep the peace at all cost that is probably at the bottom of all this. instead of speaking my mind, i choose to keep quiet. the result is that i have allowed all the resentment and the anger build up within that when i could no longer contain it the only solution available was to severe my ties with these people.

i'm not afraid of burning bridges but it is not a habit i keep, claims to the contrary notwithstanding. but there is something about loose ends that bug me big time, and it is retribution i seek.

the task i now set for myself is how to find peace without resorting to the formula of reproach and forgiveness. the anger i felt towards these so-called friends may have subsided, but there is simply no looking back. the letdown is just beyond repair. and maybe it's just time to cue d'sound's 'people are people' and do as it says.

and indeed, the good thing about this is that nowadays i am beginning to learn how to truly stand on my own. i can go anywhere i want without having to yell for companionship, and i can be free to try out things without having to depend on the old people i used to rely on. iyo ang kapangyarihang maglakbay ng hindi nakakapit sa kamay nino man.

and in time i should learn: friendships are the longest relationships we'll ever keep. and it takes a hell of an investment just to find which ones are worth keeping and which ones are not.

while munching on chocolates after lunch...

Song of the Moment: The Blower's Daughter, Damien Rice
To Do (tasks, not people): read up on work
Current State: uppity-up-up
~~~~~~~~~~



"If you believe in love at first sight, you never stop looking."

after all this time, i finally get it.

sighting

Song of the Moment: Prayer for the Dying, by Seal
To Do (tasks, not people): go home
Current State: battling an impalpable sadness
~~~~~~~~~~



on my way to the internet shop tonight i take a ride on a jeepney where a blind guy sits next to me. he pawed in his pocket for loose change and i watched him as he went about counting his money with the touch of his fingertips.

a flash of a thought came to me -- i have all my senses intact, and the only disability i have is that poor, pathetic excuse i have for a heart -- an often exaggerated one, mind you. and suddenly i am thankful.

i can't imagine losing my sight, or my hearing or my speech or my limbs. and even those who have, like the guy who sat beside me, still go on with their lives. i have something he doesn't, and i am ashamed at just how abusive i can be towards my own body. from mundane habits like reading at night in the dark or straining my eyes in front of the monitor, to the more despicable habits of judging people on the basis of looks and ignoring things i can see in the periphery of my vision to the more esoteric exercises like not appreciating the vibrance of a colorful world and instead focusing on the grey areas and the dark clouds above my head over things that piss me off -- that sort of stuff.

i'm not blind. i'm near-sighted and i lost my eyeglasses last Sunday when i went jogging at the old university. but beyond that, sometimes i can't see what is right there in front of me because of myopia. so maybe it's time to start looking at the world around me more often as one in which the stuff of life fills the earth half-full, and not half-empty. maybe then i can see blue in a different light, instead of the wet blanket that i associate it with today.

laughable, sometimes, except when i mean it

Song of the Moment: Some Say from the musical Once on this Island
To Do (tasks, not people): save up for a puppy; yes, a puppy
Current State: excited over the prospect of getting new pets! a puppy and a pair of siberian hamsters
~~~~~~~~~~



i miss you. and i mean it.

well, at least i think i do. but then, that's always been my problem. tentative when the situation demands certainty. obstinate when nothing can be done about anything anymore.

have fun in europe or wherever the hell it is you're going. just come back safe.

maybe when i see you again i wouldn't be such a straight-faced, cold-hearted dickhead and be able to smile back at you.

i went to coffee bean the other day. some guy was sitting where i saw you last. he wasn't my type. he was nothing like you. nobody's ever like you. except maybe houdini.

so i just played black jack on my handheld. it's an addicting game. just like supposed former infatuations. well, actually i wasn't infatuated with you. what's that they say -- love vanquishes time, yadda? yeah. for some an eternity could last as long as a lifetime, and for some, sadly, it can be as brief as a night.

i don't know about you, but that's how fast i went through the motions. and i'd gladly go through them all again, because i think you're worthy.

there. cards on the table. now do i hit, stand or double down?

review (aka there is so much more to life than vultures and thieves)

Song of the Moment: La Vie Boheme from RENT, the Musical
To Do (tasks, not people): discover more of Maginhawa
Current State: in transition
~~~~~~~~~~



1. climb a mountain.

the good news is i've done this. the bad news is, i might have to find a new way to continue this hobby.

2. quit smoking.

fail! still trying, damn it.

3. go vegan.

in progress! still a voracious carnivore, but one of these days i will, for the first time in my life, eat ampalaya.

4. watch more plays and musicals.

done! i've seen some in the past year, for an average of about one every two months. let's try to up it to once a month.

5. learn a foreign language

fail! i might have to drop ths one in favor of swimming and biking lessons which eileen and iona promised me. *hint, hint*

6. be less judgmental.

fail! just because some people deserve it.

7. go back to the gym.

fail! i think i might have to drop this one too, because people keep saying i'm losing weight, for some unfathomable reason. i think it's insomnia.

8. get on track to financial independence.

in progress!

9. travel.

in progress! i've been out of town four times in three months, and that's a plus, right?

10. find someone worthy and then go after him until he gives in.

although i've said 2006 was not the year for this, i still choose to believe: one day, someday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

excuse me while i disappear

Have you ever had the feeling
That the world's gone and left you behind
Have you ever had the feeling
That you're that close to losing your mind

You look around each corner
Hoping that she's there
You try to play it cool perhaps
Pretend that you don't care

But it doesn't do a bit of good
You got to seek till you find
Are you never unwind

Try to think
That love is not around
Still it's uncomfortably near

My old heart
Ain't gaining no ground
Because my angel eyes ain't here

Angel eyes
That old devil sent
They glow unbearably bright
Need I say
That my love's misspent
Misspent with angel eyes tonight

So drink up all you people
Order anything you see
Have fun you happy people
The drink and the laugh's on me

Pardon me
But I gotta run
The fact's uncomfortably clear
Gotta find
Who's now number one
And why my angel eyes ain't here
Tell me why my angel eyes ain't here
Excusez moi my angel eyes ain't here
Excuse me while I disappear

- Sting, Angel Eyes

next stop: here

Song of the Moment: Fools Like Me by Lisa Loeb
To Do (tasks, not people): get some moolah
Current State: positively stranded
~~~~~~~~~~





this is where i am heading out next month. by all i hold holy, i'm going. maybe by myself. :D

graces

Song of the Moment: No Day But Today, from RENT, the Musical
To Do (tasks, not people): see some falling stars
Current State: ---
~~~~~~~~~~





when one has got nowhere to go,

it's good to know some people are still willing to stick it out with you even if you

say all you want to do is curl up in some corner and mope, or die.

beachfront stroll, april 15, 6am

woke up in the middle of the night on the beach, went back to yvonne's tent and woke up again at 5 am, chatted with her by the beachfront where we laid out the tarp and continued our little talk. by 6 am, other bluehearts were awake already and while they heated water for coffee i strolled on the beach and took shots of the rock formation on the other end of the cove. before i took those pictures, i took this video. i needed to sweat out the alcohol. and the other gabage in my system.

you should have known better because you were my friend.

and don't use alcohol as a fucking excuse because 'i didn't know what i was doing because i was drunk' has got to be the lamest excuse ever used, because it isn't true.

how long were you planning on keeping this from me? you looked me in the eye and you lied, and i resent that. no, resent is an understatement. it is unacceptable. did you lie further and told me he wasn't there when he actually was until the following morning?

and you dare forward me advice on how to deal with my problem? don't try to be funny, you are PART of the problem.

somewhere along the way there was deception in all this, and i was the unwitting victim. and i've had enough. i can't help but think you were behind the deception. after all, you DO have a pattern of deceit. you never use your real name in coffee shops, and i still have those prank texts you sent me in a span of several months from last year.

i'm just smarting from all this because the last one made a huge fool out of me, and i swore i wasn't going to fall for the same trick so soon. and this time, i had a friend who was complicit in the deception, whether willingly or not. the point is, you took note of how i felt before ultimately taking care of yourself. i can't afford to have a friend like that.

Anawangin, April 14-15

Song of the Moment: Fuck You and Your Beautiful Face, LIz Phair
To Do (tasks, not people): a lot of nothing
Current State: accepting
~~~~~~~~~~




rock formation


packing up for the trip home


trinkets


pure shores


chillin'


haunted by water